Occupy Dartmouth Protesters, Upset with ‘15s Inactivity Decide to Touch Fire

The rhythmic chopping of Mass General’s Medical Evacuation Helicopter could be heard over Hanover late Saturday evening.  On a night historically featuring arrests and hospitalizations of wayward freshman attempting to dispel allegations of “being the worst class ever,” this year’s Homecoming featured a novel twist.  The newest additions to the ICU: Burn Division were not slightly charred ‘15s, but rather three members of the highly ambiguous and increasingly irrelevant ‘Occupy Dartmouth’ protest.

When interviewed early Saturday morning under hospital arrest, gruesome burn victim and Occupy Dartmouth chief organizer Chase Flannels claimed the move was made to, “fight the rising inactivity of the freshman class.”  “No one was touching the fire, they needed to see what real action was,” Flannels flubbed in a morphine haze.  “In a world where passivity and complacent right wing ignorance dominate, corporate oppression is the only winner, man.”  The ambiguity of Flannels’ uncomfortably general statement has left Dartmouth’s intellectual community overwhelmingly ambivalent toward the protests.


“I think it was a plea for universal healthcare,” Government professor, D. Dwight Spalding of the Spalding Group said while hunting pheasants Saturday afternoon.  “But then again,” Spalding continued, “I’m tenured and don’t give a fuck.”

With the only three protesters who potentially knew what they were protesting in police custody, Spalding’s general attitude of not caring seems to be increasingly more prevalent.  Francis F. Fairchild
‘14, son of Fortune 500 CEO Franklin F (sic) Fairchild and protester, was reached for comment during his mid-late-afternoon-post-lunch cigar break outside the Collis encampment.  “Class sucks bro,” he said between puffs of his Cuban, “I hate studying almost as much as I hate poor people, so I come here, where there’s neither of those things. And also, fuck Corporate America.”

The Hanover movement’s new leader, John Nathan Wainwright III ’12, BG Social Chair and heir to the Wainwright oil fortune was reached for comment.  “It’s kinda too bad, you know, that Flannels and the others are gone.  They really put in the effort.”  He continued, “Don’t get me wrong, I like wearing $270 skinny jeans and semi-torn winter hats on public corners while having no real responsibilities, but I’m just not feeling the poor-people love, man.”

It seems that the dawning of a new week may bring a new direction for the Occupiers.  Wainwright has already set up a tails event with Kappa for Friday, and “It’s looking favorable that Tri-Delt will show
Saturday,” according to an un-named edgy Occu-bro.  When asked what he thought about the movement’s new flavor, Flannels only had to say, “Tri-Delt won’t show.  They never fucking show.”

-Christian Rothberg '13