Ban on Public Hazing Means Brothers Have no Clue who their Pledges are Anymore

A recent GLOS directive has banned all public hazing "because it's illegal,” and thrown the whole fraternity system into turmoil. Unable to tell which pledges are their own, upperclassmen have been committing random acts of hazing around campus.

Members of several fraternities are frustrated that they now have to “actually learn who these pledges are” and can no longer “just ask the bro in the cut-offs to wait in the King Arthur Flour line for me.”

Others have gotten in trouble for mistakenly hazing townspeople. A senior member of the Alpha Delta fraternity was arrested yesterday after forcing a mustached construction worker on his lunch break to drink an "ass beer."

"I thought he was a pledge," said the culprit in a statement to the Hanover Police, "the crusty facial hair, stupid lunchbox and grimy clothes...I mean, c’mon.”

Safety and Security asked a student to take off his inside-out sweatshirt but the student insisted that he was just “chilly,” and “desperately needed to do laundry.” S&S reports that they have had the same misunderstanding with roughly 32 other students in the past couple of days.

Sororities will not be affected by the restriction because no authority figure can distinguish the difference between the squealing masses of flair in Novack all the time. “They’re so brightly colored!” said S&S officer, Gregory Arnold. “That’s not hazing, it’s a giant ‘fuck you’ to my hangover.”

The campus hookup scene has essentially imploded, as men and women are no longer able to tell which members of the class of 2014 are good looking.

The administration’s crackdown on public hazing coincides perfectly with tonight’s bonfire where interactions between freshmen and upperclassmen have always exemplified compassion, unity, and definitely-not-public-hazing.

In other, bonfire related news; the participants of Occupy Dartmouth plan to touch the fire for no other reason than they are “really, really cold.”

(with help from Bob Roberts '13)