‘The 99%’ Protests 1% of Dartmouth’s Guys Getting all the Hot Girls

A group of Dartmouth males, calling themselves ‘the 99 percent,’ has gathered outside The Hop (grill, not arts center) for the past week to “Occupy Dartmouth” in response to, as one protestor put it, “the gross inequality between the number of hot girls pulled by the ‘1%’ of Dartmouth males verses the other 99%, who are regularly shut out of hookups by the hottest Dartmouth females.”

A spokesman for Occupy Dartmouth attempted to sum up the goals of the group, “This is for all the ‘nice’ guys. The guys who watched that cute girl on their freshman floor hook up with that upperclassman. The guys who are tired of feeling like we’re a second option. We are the 99%.”


A self-proclaimed member of the 99%, Preston Narpstone ’12 derided the greed of the 1%, “It’s unreal. I spent all Monday night playing pong with this really hot girl, a straight dimepiece. She was pretty into me too. I got to know her, ordered us some EBAs, then all the sudden this 1 percenter shows up and it’s like I don’t exist. It’s like he’s not even trying.”

Narpstone continued, “It’s not that we’re less cool or good looking, it’s just the system that’s keeping us from getting all the hot girls. It’s not like I could do anything to change things, they’re just jerks.”

Justin Weber ’14, a supposed member of the 99% who asked to not be named, claimed that 1% of males get “around 99% of the hot girls” but asserted that it wasn’t a problem for him, readily mentioning that he is in a frat.

Chevy Brewster ’12, speaking for the 1%, told the Dunyun, “All the hot girls? What is that, like 7?” Brewster also noted that he couldn’t wait for the ‘16s to get here before a shiny object distracted him.

Although the goals of the protestors range from “A complete overhaul of the Dartmouth social structure” to “maybe an HJ?”, they are united in their opposition to the status quo and, more importantly, are looking to get some action.

In other news, a study has found a strong correlation between not wearing a shirt in your Facebook profile picture and being a tool.