Confused ’14 Spends Whole Night Man-flirting With Other ‘14

Excited for an evening of low-key pong before rush, Owen Jacobs ’14 headed over to AD to meet his friend Steve-From-Class-Council who “is roommates with the social chair, I think.” After holding his own with a sink and two hits in the first game, Jacobs went in for a post-game handshake and complimented his opponent, Kyle Craver ’14, on his “dirty spin serve.”

At this point, Jacobs wanted to meet more ADs and insisted on playing with Craver. Despite bewildered glances from the brothers, Jacobs assumed Craver was a brother based on pong ability and his confident, laid back demeanor.

“Yeah we had been playing since two, I was quite drunk,” said Craver. “I knew this Owen kid was a ’14 but he clearly had no idea who I was. So I fucked with him, pretended to be a brother and shit. Win-win.”

“Kyle’s a really chill guy,” said Jacobs. “We really bonded. He loves pong, I love pong. He’s on the tennis team, I belong to a country club. Steve-From-Class-Council even remarked on how well we were hitting it off. It was a good night.”

After two more games, Jacobs and Craver headed to the basement to play some dice. “I was telling him all about when I played dice with my high school friends and how shitfaced we got. I didn’t want him to think I was soft.”

Craver described Jacobs as “a huge tool” who is “way too into pong and Entourage.” However, he enjoyed his time with Jacobs because “the kid worshipped me. He even complimented my socks. They’re plain white socks. Who compliments socks?”

Jacobs is confident that Craver will speak highly of him at delibs next week. “He’s gotta be really well respected in the house,” said Jacobs. “And I feel like I can really contribute to AD with my sick pong ability and collection of wayfarers.”

Sources close to the Dunyun confirm that Craver had been dinged from AD last spring due to events involving a handle of Jim Beam, several composites, and a 95 mile per hour tennis serve.