Thanks to the administration’s help, the Dartmouth Aires finished 2nd in NBC’s “The Sing-Off” last night. In a bold move, President Kim has made the Dartmouth Aires the official mascot of Dartmouth. This decision comes on the heels of unprecedented popularity for the all-male a cappella group who were the real winners of the Sing-Off last night (shit was rigged).
"We wanted to do something that would appease everyone," Kim said in an interview with The Dunyun. "Alums who wish the school had never gone co-ed? Not a female in sight in that group. Liberals? We’re talking about a cappella here.
Last week’s strategic planning meetings were cancelled to allow each high-level administrator time to clog the student body’s BlitzMail inboxes with proof of their involvement in the everyday life of Dartmouth’s campus.
“I had never heard of the Aires before I saw them on The Sing-off,” said new Dean of the College Charlotte Johnson in a statement to a member of the Dunyun staff, “but now that I’m part of the Dartmouth community I thought I would let the students know that I only value the important things when it comes to Dartmouth.”
Students on campus have had mixed reactions to the news.
"I'm in favor of the move," said Tina Bobina Bananafanna Fofina '13, "I voted for them all 30 times! My mom did too! They only gave it to Pentatonix cause that one girl was about to cry. Bitch.”
Some Dartmouth students were less pleased.
"What the fuck am I supposed to do with my Indian Head tat now?" said Ray Cist '12. "Shit."
Members of other a cappella groups on campus appeared to have been supportive of the Aires, but some showed their true colors as the winner was announced in last night’s finale.
“I’m not gonna say I was rooting against them, but they did wear corduroy vests in episode 3. Are you fucking kidding me? That is so our thing,” said Barg Schloppinger ’12. Schoppinger is the current president of the Cords, another all-male singing group that has fallen out of favor since everybody’s freshman orientation.
With their new status as mascots, the Aires are now expected to sing at all home Football games, which will not present any scheduling conflicts, since the Venn diagrams of "Football" and "A Cappella" haven't seen any overlap since Dick Armstrong '83. Some critics have questioned how the Aires could be heard over the cheers at the game, but then realized how silly a concern that was.
Members of the Aires expressed humility and thankfulness upon hearing the news. "Look at me now, America!" said George Flanagan '13, a source within the organization who wished to remain anonymous, but then changed his mind but then changed his mind again after the Aires lost, insisting that he be anonymous. It was too late as the article had already gone to print.
"You can still Text '3' to 97979," another Aire said. “I think we deserve a recount. Don’t make me leave LA. New Hampshire’s so cold. Fuck.”
-Bob Roberts '13
Posts
This was a good one!
ReplyDelete