‘15s Celebrate Annual Turkey Drop

Today is Thanksgiving: that time every year when freshmen realize that their girlfriends and boyfriends from home are just not worth the effort. They have become the romantic equivalent of waiting 30 minutes in the Hop line only to find that they don’t have shelled eggs. They used to have shelled eggs, and it was awesome. But now those eggs are gone, and you’re only left with the line. Thanksgiving is when freshmen finally leave the fucking line.

Many ‘15s who “wanted to try the long-distance thing” and were “the exception to the rule” will finally throw in the towel and end it with their boyfriend/girlfriend/we’re-broken-up-but-still-talk-everyday-and-hookup-a lot-and-are-basically-a-couple from home.

In other words, this week marks the point in every freshman’s life where they realize that they’d much rather finish that game of flip-cup than deal with their boyfriend who “really needs to talk” at 1:00am.

That they would much rather spend Sunday afternoon derping around in Novack than “figuring out where this relationship is going.”

This week, freshmen are making the decision whether they want to spend six hours on the Dartmouth Coach twice a month so they can visit their girlfriend at BC or want to spend their weekend you know, not doing that.

Advocates of long-distance who’d insisted that summer was “magical” and October was “actually a lot easier than we expected” have retracted their statements in recent weeks.

“I wanted to end it with Madison like a month ago,” said Justin Jones ’15. “But I’m not an asshole, I had to do it in person over Thanksgiving. I can’t wait. She’s a total slam troll.” Jones is currently “spending some quality time with Madison” before breaking it off right before he heads back to campus.

“Why did my boyfriend and I agree to Skype twice a week?” said Clarissa Maxwell ’15 in an interview with the Dunyun. “I don’t give a shit how “sick” the Duke tailgate was. I have better things to do, like ordering EBAs and watching TrueBlood.”

Secret admirers, stalkers, and upperclasscougars alike are rejoicing at the new options that will be available after the traditional 36-hour grace period.

“I can only hook up with Steve so many more times,” said a ’15 who wished to remain anonymous because she is Clarissa Maxwell. “He knows I have a boyfriend and he still hooks up with me like all the time! What a skeezeball!”

And here’s to the ’15s who decide the best course of action is to refinance into an open relationship; winter’s going to suck for you.