Ostensibly due to displeasure with Dartmouth's recent fall in U.S. News' rankings of National Universities, College officials are pushing to create a play-off system to replace the computer generated rankings. In a statement released yesterday, President Kim expressed his frustration with U.S. News, stating, "For U.S. News to believe that a computer can measure the merits of each school is preposterous. We must adopt a play-off system. That's the only feasible way to ensure an accurate final ranking. Give these institutions a chance."
A proposal released this morning from the President's office outlined a 12-school competition, consisting of tournament style play with a complex consolation round to fully assess each institution. However, Kim's plan failed to address the selection of the 12 schools and the methodology of scoring in each head-to-head matchup. "Look, I can't help U.S. News with everything. I only have so much ingenuity to give. Why don't you ask the brainiacs from Penn to help if they're so freakin' smart?"
When further pressed on the timing of the proposal in relation to Dartmouth's fall out of the rankings' top 10, Kim threw his hands up, exclaiming, "What? Come on! Are you seriously going to make this about that? This is about fairness, man. How dare you!" leaving the reporter confused yet apparently satisfied with the response.
In response to the question of a fair selection of the 12 participants, Kim once again relinquished responsibility to U.S News, but did manage to utter something about the Ivy League getting at least 6 auto-bids. "That gives us a pretty solid chance, right?"
Robby Hamilton '15 had been excited about finally getting to Dartmouth, but told the Dunyun, "Let's just say, this "D" tattoo on my right arm was meant for a top 10 university. Even if it's a basketball powerhouse in North Carolina. Know what I'm sayin'?"
No, Robby, we don't.
-Teddy Barnaby '14
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