A Day Off

Today, the Greek system has swallowed the lives of all the Dunyun writers. We'll be back soon, we swear!

Until then, here's a thought to tide you over:

If a quiz is quizzical, then what's a test?

Administration Threatens Spoiled Students with More Renovations

Following the punishing renovations to Thayer (never forget) this summer, which widely expanded the dining hall inward, students fret the administration may enact further renovations if we continue to take our spoiling for granted. Several sources closely involved with administrative decisions confirm that these extensive renovations have been part of a concerted effort to minimize students’ unfounded sense of entitlement to dining and living spaces that generally leave room for personal space and that don’t look like the inside of a hospital.

Faulty Paddles Responsible for Pong Loss

Clarence Macalester ’14 was incredibly excited for his first game of pong. After a month of timidly asking line and constantly berating his trip leader, a member of Alpha Delta fraternity, with blitzes, his trip leader finally relented.

However, Macalester’s first pong game did not go as planned. He explained the source of his problems, “There was definitely something wrong with my paddle. I kept returning my trip leader’s shots the same way but the ball was going all over the place. Sometimes it would go way left, sometimes right. My stroke wasn’t changing so it must have been the paddle; could’ve had something to do with the sandpaper shit on it, who uses that?”

13’s Insecurities Easier than Ever to Manipulate

In the week leading up to rush, ‘13s insecurities surrounding getting into their top houses have reached a crescendo. Although mainly affecting girls, who essentially have no control over rush, almost no ’13s are immune from these feelings of anxiety. Upperclassmen have taken notice.

Josh Johnson ’11 explained his experiences with increased insecurity among ‘13s, “I just have to tell a girl that I ‘have a lot of friends in KDE’ and she immediately starts trying to impress me, layup city.”

Alex Nichols ’11 took this strategy a step farther, “I just tell girls that I have a list of ‘Cool ’13 Girls’ and a list of ‘Shitty ’13 Girls’ that I'm going to send to all my friends in sororities. Sometimes I have to add in ‘You know which list I want you to get on’ but usually knows what I'm getting after.”

The Dunyun Celebrates Its 169th Article

I'm honored that the Dunyun Staff has selected me to write this momentous article and I'd like it to serve as a celebration of the past 10 months of writing. The Dunyun has changed many of our lives and I'd like to hear from the Dunyun community about "what the Dunyun means to you."

Jim Kim's secretary was the first to get back to me and el Presidente said, "I enjoy this student organization. I enjoy any time students work together, take steps together and join forces together. That's how we're going to save the world. One step at a time. Together."

A Theta Delt '11 shot back a very brief reply, "Fuck The Dunyun."

Anonymous Song Angers Campus with its Jarring Instrumentals and Auto-Tune

Early last week, an anonymous Gmail account with the handle “Expecto Petronus” [sic] sent out a song titled “Out of Control” to the Classes of 2014, 2013, and 2012 (seniors are already that irrelevant, huh?). The song, which featured original instrumentals and Auto-Tune to cover up the voice of the singer, featured lyrics with some political message that had to do with something or other. Maybe something about blowjobs? Who knows. The song, which has been forwarded to almost every undergraduate on campus, has universally angered the student population. Why? The instrumentals and the Auto-Tune really suck.

Career Fair Gives Undergraduates a Chance to Practice Real-World Skills

The recent “Employer Connections” fair, hosted annually by Career Services, brought a variety of employers from such diverse fields as finance, consulting, finance, consulting, and Teach for America to Alumni Hall so that students could learn more about the companies and practice skills that they will need in the real world. These skills include fellatio, female fellatio (I feel like there’s a word for this…), pretending to care, coming to terms with that creeper who still exists even though s/he graduated, and nodding your head. These skills will be absolutely necessary when interviews and corporate recruiting come around, but for now, it’s just practice.

“My figurative fellatio skills were completely off,” said Robert Richman ’11, who attempted figurative fellatio on seven consulting firms and nineteen finance firms. “I was just figuratively fellating with my mouth, telling them how great their company was. I should have been figuratively fellating with my hands as well, gesticulating about the wonders of their industry. Gotta remember the hands in the future.”

Tom Dent '41 Dies at 90; Still Cares About Trivial Disagreement in College

Celebrated Dartmouth alumnus Tom Dent ’41 passed away early Monday morning at the age of 90. In the wake of his death, his loved ones and we as a community cherish the memory of a courageous man who was never afraid to tackle issues of minor inconvenience, no matter how temporary and ultimately meaningless they might be. Despite the many important events of his life, including witnessing the bombing of Dresden as a soldier during WWII and once going over Niagara Falls in a wooden barrel, he never forgot about one trivial injustice that once befell him at age twenty-one.

"Emory Hires Ring of Korean Spies in Attempt to Crack U.S. News Top 10"

In the wake of a year in which Emory fell to twentieth in the U.S. News & World Report college rankings, Emory president James Wagner decided to take a new approach to “playing the ratings game.”

Instead of toying with students to faculty ratios or sending out more mailings to high school juniors, he decided the best approach was to take an in depth look at college in the top ten to see what Emory was doing wrong. He decided to do this in the most inconspicuous way possible, sending a ring of Korean spies posing as a “documentary” crew to report on Dartmouth.

Professor Uses T-Shirt Cannon to Encourage Attendance in Large Classes

For years, Dartmouth professors have faced the dilemma of getting students to actually come to class. With lectures posted online and participation grades that are largely composed of whether you went to office hours that one time, students often have little motivation to roll out of bed for that 9, 10 or 2A. However, Bio 11 professor Harrison Frazier recently instituted a policy capable of motivating students in a way that $40,000 in tuition never could. 

Frazier developed his revolutionary idea while at a minor league baseball game over the summer, “I initially thought we could have dollar beer day but then I realized freshmen would never pay for beer at Dartmouth, especially a dollar. Then it hit me: T-Shirt Cannon.”