In a move many saw as a long time coming, King Arthur Flour has removed every sandwich except for tuna and hummus from its menu. Fans of the popular coffee shop shouldn’t notice any difference because “those are the only sandwiches we ever have anyway,” said KAF employee Martin Holmes.
KAF’s current menu includes many elaborate sounding sandwiches like “curried chicken,” “tomato and chevre,” and “ham,” but Holmes admits that these items are “just for show” and “don’t actually exist, I think.” Sources say that the possibly fake sandwiches were intended to coax customers into waiting in line for 25 minutes for “brie and apple on a baguette:” a sandwich that few have actually seen.
Employees had been hoping for an “I’ve already spent half of my 2a in this line, I guess I’ll just get fucking hummus” reaction. The tactic has been wildly successful for KAF, who reports substantial profit margins due to a high but largely ignored price tag and the “entirely average ingredients” used in their hummus and tuna.
But now KAF has decided to remove the fake items so that students will “finally stop asking what sandwiches we have,” said KAF cashier Debra Delany. Delany claims to have mastered the look of combined surprise and embarrassment she uses whenever she tells customers that she has “just run out of the chevre! But we do have tuna.”
Pressure to change the menu had come from investigative Novack Employees as well as the hundreds of disgruntled students who suffered through their 12s armed with only a mint tea and a dinky almond croissant.
“My lunch yesterday was coffee and a single chocolate-covered macaroon,” said Ben Robertson ‘14. “That was a low point. All I wanted was a sandwich. But not tuna. Fuck that.”
The college is currently investigating whether Novack should be allowed to continue referring to their refrigerated rice and plastic offering as “sushi.”
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