Lone Pine Discovered to have been Early Cell Phone Tower in Disguise

Shocking new evidence has uncovered a century old conspiracy regarding Dartmouth’s famous Lone Pine. Documents found in Rauner Library by some freshman “trying to get the most out of his Dartmouth experience” show that the iconic tree was nothing more than an early prototype of a cell phone tower disguised as a pine tree.

Cedric Bell, a historian of Bell Telephone Company, which undertook the tower project, was surprised that it wasn’t discovered sooner, “It seems obvious when you look back at it. What do you see whenever you drive through rural New Hampshire? Huge pine trees towering over all the other trees on hilltops. If you saw the ‘Lone Pine’ now, you would immediately think about how obnoxious it is that Dartmouth let them build a cell phone tower overlooking campus and do nothing but nail on a few branches to conceal it.”


“But back then, people had no idea. They loved the poor attempt at camouflage,” Bell continued, “I’m surprised it took so long for someone to connect the dots.”

While the administration has been hushed regarding the issue, some students are hoping to ask Dean Johnson in the next round of Google Moderator questions. Other students are looking for a different way that could potentially yield relevant answers to their questions about Dartmouth.

Students seemed mixed over how the college should react to the new information.

Sarah Livingston ’14 contended that references to the Lone Pine now seemed outdated, “Why would we want a cell phone tower on our flag or in the alma mater? We should update it with something more relevant to Dartmouth like Baker Tower, a Keystone can or the Goldman Sachs bull.”

Clark Bush ’13, a member of the Dartmouth Review, responded to this sentiment, “That’s ludicrous, you can’t just change the alma mater because it references a pine tree that was actually a cell phone tower. If it was in the alma mater when it was written over a century ago, it stays.”

The remaining of member of Occupy Dartmouth said from her tricked out tent that she was “not surprised” and cited this as, “another example of Dartmouth’s poisonous corporate culture.”

Verizon and AT&T have both submitted offers to rebuild the Lone Pine, but neither the college nor the Robert Frost statue have responded.