Anniversary

Greetings from The Dunyun.

Sunday, December 5th, 2010

It's our first birthday! One year ago to the day, James Engle was sitting on Fourth Floor Berry with a full bladder, Frannie Mays was tripping balls on a Five-Hour Energy, Stephen Briggs was congratulating himself on finishing pledge term, and nobody had heard of Jayson Doubleday. We were muggles all. But James, Frannie, and Stephen were united by common cause: a desire to procrastinate, wasted writing talent, and a lot of stuff to complain about. And so we trudged on, making fun of more things than we knew were possible. Some people got pissed at us along the way. Oh well. Only God can judge me. And Dartmouth has no speech code, suckas!

A couple months into our time, Jayson imposed himself on our ranks, and we were too tired to object. The spring saw us starting to experiment with new styles, especially Briggs's signature "Dun-on-Dun" and "Dear Stephen" segments, and Frannie's unparalleled "Vox Querentis" rants, which have become staples. We took somewhat of a break over the summer, as Briggs was way too busy fratting to write, but have been back this fall, tired but determined. We're looking forward to our second year, which looks promising with new material, fresh styles, and some budding talent in the ranks.

To celebrate our first year, though, we've put together a fuckin' tome of new articles for you to read. We know it's finals and you're so stressed and you don't have the time to read all of them, but save this blitz and go back to a new article when you need a study break.

We love you,

The Dunyun



College Installs New Facebook Terminals to Reduce Traffic on Blitz Terminals

In order to reduce traffic on its Blitz terminals, the College has decided to Facebook terminals, in the same vein of GreenPrint terminals. After seeing Blitz terminals get clogged up with people on Facebook, the College will now be making terminals that can only open Blitz, and terminals that can only open Facebook. This has created an interesting problem, however: who in their right mind would use a Facebook terminal?

I’ll tell you who: that damn Sasquatch.

Jokes aside.

The installation of Facebook terminals has actually had the effect of bringing Facebook use on public computers to a rate of zero. Because nobody will ever use the Facebook terminals. And nobody will use Facbeook on a Blitz terminal, now that there’s the clear alternative of Facebook terminals.

Next up on the College’s list of computing advances: porn terminals in the East Asia bathroom.

- James Engle ‘11


Dear Stephen,
I'm stressed about Finals and need some advice from Stephen the Scholar. So I've got an exam tomorrow at 10 AM in Neurbroscience and a paper due at 5 PM in Chaferbury Tales. I've been working on the paper pretty well throughout the week and basically just have to throw in a few more quotes now. Oh and I have to do the works-cited page. Shit!

The exam's going to crush me though-50 multiple choice questions, 5 choices each and I've barely studied. I know I've got the NRO on there but you know, I'm here to take classes and get grades. So I want to do well.

Oh shit! I also have a performance in African Drumming on Monday too and probably should prep that. The teacher loves me and it shouldn't be an issue but I wouldn't want to fuck that up.

Yeah but enough about me, how are you Finals looking?

From,
Every Fuckin' Kid In The Library Right Now

Dear Every Fuckin' Kid In The Library Right Now,
   
I don't care about your Finals schedule. Why'd you write this in to the Mailbag? You already stopped me twice in Novack to tell me the same thing. Now I see you bouncing over to the next table to tell them the same story. We are all stressed, just put your head down and get it done. Or just go play pong. Leave me the fuck alone.

Best,
Stephen Briggs '12

“Are You on Winter Term?” Proven to Mean “I Want to Hook up with You”

A study by the Sociology Department has proven that, when asked within three weeks of Christmas break, the phrase “are you on for winter term?” can be interpreted as “I want to hook up with you” over 90% of the time. The study was launched in response to an uptick in interest in the D-plans of peripheral acquaintances of the opposite sex and increased anxiety over potential dry spells.

In response to the study, students have been forced to alter their phrasing of the question in more non-committal ways. A common alternative has been “Did you get that (volunteer opportunity/ internship) in (3rd World Country/ New York) or will you be hanging out here?” Although the study concluded that the question was an “almost certain” notion of the intent to hook up, they noted that it still could not match “do you want to go to formal with me” as the only guarantee.

- Jayson Doubleday '13

Snow Takes its Sweet Time in Coming to Campus

The snow really is taking its damn sweet time coming to campus, isn’t it? How cold has it been? Freezing. Has it been raining? Oh, you betcha. When was the only snow that stuck on the ground? When we were all gone. I mean, come on. I know talking about the weather is so last season, but this shit has gone too far.

A fun thought experiment is to consider how depressing winter would be if it never snowed. What if snow didn’t exist? That isn’t that hard to wrap your head around. What if it just got colder and colder and colder and kept raining, and just froze when it hit the ground? That’s possible, really. And it doesn’t take that much imagination, because that’s exactly what’s been happening the past couple weeks. I feel like I’m taking crazy pills over here.

If we don’t get snow that sticks soon, I’m going on strike.

- James Engle ‘11


The Sleeper?s Manifesto

For far too long we have been suffocated beneath the tyranny of the sleep police.  No matter how many hours in a row we spend trying to hold our eyelids open with paperclips and keep our brains in semi-functioning order by soaking them in 5-Hour Energy, if we doze off for half an hour in Novack, we risk being awoken by Safety and Security and told that there is ?no sleeping in the library.?  Many revolutionaries naively believe that the answer is to target that horrible Novack lady who has made it her personal crusade to awaken Novack nappers, wagging her fat finger in their faces and telling
them she is going to call the police on their disrespectful, homeless-looking asses, as if it personally offends her to know that you have momentarily escaped from the fluorescent hell that is her life and skipped off to a dreamland where finals don?t exist and you can have fantasy sex without worrying about the dreadful stench coming off your body which hasn?t been washed or gotten proper sleep or nourishment in at least 72 hours.  But no.  She is merely a cog in a larger political machine, one that seeks to stamp out the few moments of comfort you manage to snatch in between trying not to plagiarize and calculating just how many pages you can write in an hour if you don?t blink or pee.  My fellow studiers, you may have noticed a library scourge in the past few hours, while S&S officers wander through the library and awaken all rogue sleepers, threatening them that they will be kicked out of the library as if they are common bums and not overworked students who are paying $50,000 a year to transform ten weeks worth of shirked responsibilities into some semblance of a passing grade in only three days.  Fuck you, S&S.  I know you deal with drunk teenagers urinating in your vehicles on a regular basis, and I know you always overlook the full cups of alcohol sitting only three inches away from every underage drinker in the basement, and I give you credit for that.  I respect your job, but anyone who fucks with my sleep is my enemy.

So today, I declare war on you.  I am calling all people in the library to rise up as one and fight for your right to a study break nap.  Our brains can only run on IQToniq and pita chips for so long! At 1 AM, rage against this unwarranted fascism of imposed library wakefulness!  Put your head down, close your eyes, and have ten minutes of quiet time, kindergarten-style.  Seriously, it?ll confuse the fuck out of them.  If we don?t stand together, we will fall together.  We have a fundamental right to sleep, just as we have a fundamental right to mentally ding every stupid bitch who uses an outdoor voice in the 1902 Room.  Exercise your right.  1 AM.  Never surrender.

- Frannie Mays ‘11


Special “External” Headphones Provide Soothing Music for Entire Library Floor

Bose Corporation, in the wake of its success with Noise-Canceling headphones, has started testing a new product on the Dartmouth campus. The product, unofficially known as “External” headphones, allow the user to turn the volume up on their headphones so loud that everybody within a fifty foot radius can listen to the same music they are. The basic idea is a combination of speakers and headphones.

Lindsay Margaret ’12 is one of the testers of the new product.

“It’s great, really!” she said loudly, over the sound of her headphones. “It’s the same as normal headphones, except I know that other people can hear what I’m listening to. This is even better than Twitter!”

Other library-goers shared Margaret’s enthusiasm for the new product, citing especially her terrific taste in music.

“I never really appreciated ‘Your Love is my Drug’ until the fourth time that I heard it in a row,” said Edgar Morris ’13. “Listening to it radiating out of that girl’s headphones is infinitely better than the silence that I’m used to in the library. Maybe she’ll even start talking soon, which would really be like white noise to me.”

Pending the success of the External headphones, Bose may re-release some original boomboxes for students to hold over their shoulder while working in the library.

- James Engle ‘11

Every Student’s Roommate Frequents Bored@Baker

As the popularity of the website Bored@Baker has returned, the strange pattern has emerged that although many students have extensive knowledge of the content of the message board, none of these students actually visit the website. Instead, they are constantly informed of the newest memes and callouts from either their roommates or friends.

After informing a friend that he had been receiving some “mad play on b@b recently,” Evan Brechter ’13 was appalled when it was implied that he had ascertained that information on his own, defending his honor “Are you serious? I’ve never even been on the site. My roommate is on that shit 24/7 and blitzes me all the good posts.” Likewise, when Christy Jacobs informed her sorority pledge class that they were voted “the consensus hottest on bored@baker,” she quickly qualified the statement with the fact that her boyfriend had discovered the distinction.

In a similar vein, all students discussed regularly on bored@baker have no knowledge of the fact and are usually unaware that the website had resurfaced or thought that you “had to make an account or something like that.”

- Jayson Doubleday '13

*You guys got any more questions for Finals?

Dun-on-Dun with Finals
We sat down with Finals for this special anniversary edition of The Dunyun.

Finals-How much am I chafing you?
Stephen Briggs-Quite a bit.
Finals-You like that Free Breakfast in FoCo?
Stephen Briggs-You had nothing to do with that. And I didn't go.
Finals-Shut up, I throw the biggest parties on campus. You see the Stacks today?
Stephen Briggs-Sorry, I study in my room.
Finals-How'd that work out?
Stephen Briggs-Shut up.
Finals-When are you going to be done?
Stephen Briggs-Whenever you let me.
Finals-Wednesday.
Stephen Briggs-Thanks. You got any surprises in store?
Finals-Yeah I found this real fat kid to streak your Psychology final.
Stephen Briggs-What does it mean to be real fat?
Finals-You know, not like "he's been hanging out a ton" fat. Like we're talking, "Watch what this kid does to those free baked goods at Novack" fat.
Stephen Briggs-Thanks for clarifying that Finals. What's my outlook for these exams?
Finals-Oh you're fucked.
Stephen Briggs-Oh ha, you always say that.
Finals-No you're actually fucked.
Stephen Briggs-Shit. What should I do about it?
Finals-Maybe you should stop talking about me and get down to business.
Stephen Briggs-Yup.


‘13s Unsure How to Deal with Lack of Attention

Many members of the Class of 2013 have been getting an undue amount of attention all term, mostly due to their new membership in Greek houses. It started even before rush. Upperclassmen would gather together to discuss the relative merits of sophomores. And then they gathered together to do this in an official capacity after shaking the hands of loads of underclassmen, something that the underclassmen certainly did not deserve. And then the upperclassmen took the time to “educate” the ‘13s, making them the center of attention.

‘13s were the talk of the town for eight weeks, with the rest of the campus discussing who looks worse with a moustache and which girl looks that much hotter now that she has a blue ribbon in her hair. But now all of that is over. And so the Class of 2013 has to figure out how to live without attention as they realize that nobody gives a shit about them at all.

Really, at all. You’re freshmen still, as far as I’m concerned. In fact, I’m not writing about this anymore. You don’t deserve the attention.

- James Engle ‘11


WASPs Complain Christmas Tree Colored Lights Are ?So New Money?

Over the past week, the administration has fielded dozens of complaints from various Jr.?s, III?s, IV?s, and white girls from Connecticut who find the colored lights on the Christmas tree in the middle of the Green to be gaudy, tacky, and/or ?downright New Money.?  President Kim has responded to these
claims, pointing to his commitment to diversity as the reason behind the array of multicolored lights, but critics refuse to back down.  As one angry blitz from Caroline Calloway ?12 read, ?Look, I kept my mouth shut when they kept that godawful eyesore of wannabe Baroque bullshit on the ceilings in FoCo, but this has gone too far.  That tree looks like something The Situation would pose in front of at the Playboy mansion Christmas party.  This is Dartmouth.  Try to have some class.?

- Frannie Mays '11


FUPAs Fingered by Sheehy as Athletic Department’s Next Target

Athletic Director Harry Sheehy has had a terrific run so far. Football had its first winning season since Clinton was president, and Men’s Soccer made it to the Sweet Sixteen of the NCAA Tournament. Some other teams did some stuff, too. In an effort to carry this momentum to more universally appreciable areas on campus, Sheehy has announced that the Athletic Department’s next goal will be to rid this campus of FUPAs.

What is a FUPA, you may ask? A FUPA is an acronym that stands for “Fat Upper Pelvic Area,” or “Fat Upper Pus*y Area,” depending on whether or not you speak French. And these female body parts have become a plague on this campus, exacerbated by the prevalence of pants whose waistlines are up around the belly button.

“You know ‘em when you see ‘em,” said Sheehy in a press conference. “They’re out there. And they’ve gotten get taken down. FUPAs, I mean, not pants. Pants, too. Just everything. Down.”

Ways that the Athletic Department will be fighting FUPAs include installing elliptical machines in every dorm, arresting Jim Gusanoz, and banning hipster clothing from all females. Bones Gate will maintain its exempt status.

- James Engle ‘11

Campus Living: Stressed is the New Drunk

    Most Dartmouth students are familiar with the social status that being
the drunkest girl at the party brings.  For nine out of ten weeks of every term,
appearing not to have shit to do and being wasted in FoCo in the middle of
the day is like being the quarterback of the football team (in high school, I
mean.  Obviously).  Being a constant shitshow guarantees that someone will
want your company in order to jointly soak in your notorious facetime.  Stop-
and-chats with various acquaintances tend to center on how blacked-out you
got last night or how long you held table.  Fraternity deliberations consist
mainly of discussions of who hangs the fuck out.  You don?t have to be an
eighth grader to know that being drunk is cool. 

But during finals, everything changes.  No longer is drunkenness a sign of
status; anyone who blitzes out ?Need 3? is instantly shunned and relentlessly
blitz-shamed.  Suddenly, those stop-and-chats are all about how much work
you have left to do, and how many hours on end you?ve spent in the stacks
trying to frantically salvage your GPA.  Anthropologists believe that the
explanation behind this phenomenon is that stress during finals is directly
proportional to drunken debauchery during the rest of the term; therefore,
overwhelming stress during finals is a sign of an otherwise dedicated partier. 

Researchers compare this seemingly counterintuitive explanation with a
familiar parallel: at first glance, one might assume that a fraternity that reeks
of the stench of piss and vomit twenty-four hours a day would never attract
guests, but when one delves deeper into the functioning of the female
psyche, it becomes clear that (misogynistically speaking, naturally) chicks dig
guys who don?t want them?guys who so aggressively don?t want them that
they literally force you to stand in their urine to be around them.  Therefore,
intentional and unspeakable beastliness becomes an indicator of a highly
sought-after male.  In much the same way, a typically unappealing trait such
as being so stressed out you only speak in whispered screams suddenly
becomes desirable when one takes into account how cool that must make you
during the rest of the term. 

Research is ongoing on the effects of being both drunk and stressed at the
same time, but early reports indicate that you're probably an alcoholic.

- Frannie Mays '11

President Kim Declared “A Man of the People”; Breathes a Sigh of Relief and Stops with Silly Activities

The People’s Association of America has bestowed its highest honor on College President Jim Yong Kim. It has announced that he is officially “a man of the people”. This honor carries with it many things. The most relevant of these is that Kim will stop with publicity events to show how much he is a man of the people. No more flag football, no more study breaks in Novack, no more visiting fraternities. Everyone on campus rejoiced. Kim breathed a sigh of relief.

“It was getting hard to pretend,” Kim said. “I mean, sure. I didn’t start out as a god walking among men. That transition happened when I was four. So I remember what it was like to be a man of the people. I just want to remind people of my roots. And that’s what all these activities have been about. But now that it’s official, I can stop.”

Kim’s publicity team picked the activities that students do most, in order to make him seem the most common. Flag football, a common pastime, was an easy choice. A study break in Novack barely made the cut, seeing as how most students were doing that only as a way to lay groundwork in person.

Students expressed excitement at being left alone.

“I like my Novack un-administration-ified,” said one student who wished to remain anonymous. “How am I supposed to talk about accidentally nutting on a girl’s Christmas sweater when President Kim’s standing right behind me?”

- James Engle ‘11


Closing Music in Berry Startles Hard-Guys

That is all.

- Stephen Briggs ‘12

Everybody Has A Cough But Nobody Has A Tissue

They do.

- Stephen Briggs ‘12


Peace out, fuckers.