Computing Services Announces Some Technicalities of Email Client Shift, Fails to Address the Future of Flitzing

In a move widely recognized as the largest cultural shift to Dartmouth since coeducation, Computing Services announced today that it will replace the 20+-year-old proprietary email client, BlitzMail, with a brand-new Microsoft prototype email client. The email, which was sent to all students, faculty, and staff, contained such unimportant details as the timeline for the transition, a conspicuously vague reference to the reasons for the choice of Microsoft over Google, and offers for help for those struggling with the transition. The email did not, however, address the only thing that students care about: the future of flitzing.
While Dartmouth students sometimes use BlitzMail for superficial reasons like “communication”, they also use it for its real purpose, which is to offer a way for students to quickly and easily flirt with each other while never even vacating their seat. A recent study co-funded by the Dunyun and the Department of Women and Gender Studies found that 69% of all Dartmouth sexual encounters involved BlitzMail, although only 2% used BlitzMail during the actual sexual act. For most of the encounters, BlitzMail was used both as foreplay and as a coping mechanism for the inevitable subsequent shame and self-loathing.

“I honestly don’t know what I’m going to do anymore,” said one female member of the Class of 2011 who asked not to be named so people wouldn’t realize how much of a slooter she was. “I use blitz as my barometer with guys. I can tell their personality by how well they blitz. And then the morning-after blitz? What am I going to receive with Microsoft? The morning-after secure electronic message? It’s a sham. I mean, I already knew that I wasn’t going to be getting much as a senior girl, but I always thought it would be for different reasons.”

One male student seemed upset that he could no longer multi-task as efficiently.

“It used to be,” said the anonymous male member of the Class of 2012, “that I could set up multiple hook-ups with my right hand on blitz while my left hand was rubbing one out so that I would last longer in the aforementioned hook-ups. But now, with a much more difficult user interface, it’s looking like my days of multi-tasking and lasting longer are over.”

Students seemed completely apathetic to the choice of a prototype Microsoft system over Gmail, despite the fact that Microsoft hasn’t gotten anything right the first time since Windows 98. Students also didn’t care that almost all alums use Gmail, which will just mean switching email clients again. Students were indifferent to the fact that Google is a much better-run company than Microsoft, and didn’t really mind that the administration seemed not to listen to student input at all. But we digress.

“Never since the short-lived institution of ‘Frat-Free Fridays’ have I seen such a blatant attempt to keep Dartmouth students from getting some,” said one angry alumnus. “This is probably just Dick’s House’s latest attempt to keep the pregnancy rate down.”

In an interview with the Dunyun, Provost Carol Folt said that she could make no guarantees on Microsoft’s similarities to blitz, as far as flitzing goes.

“We understand the desires of students,” Folt said. “We know what they love about flitzing. The minimal effort. The lack of face-to-face interaction. The opportunity to show off clever jokes that they’re too nervous to pull off in person. And, of course, the fact that “blitz” and “flirt” are so easy to combine into one word. While we haven’t found a way to combine “Microsoft” and “flirt” into one word yet, it has to be much easier than trying to combine anything with “Google”, right? We’ve come up with a few ideas, but none seem to work. Flirtosoft would make it sound like only Sig Eps can use email to get some, and Microflirt seems like you’re courting midgets. We’re working on it.”