Masters Victors Powered by Secret Source of Energy and Confidence

"Cocaine's a helluva drug." Rick James

Nobody could understand the phenomenon. On Saturday, both teams from Sigma Alpha Epsilon fraternity made it to the finals of Masters, an annual pong tournament between fraternities. SAE, which is not normally known for its athleticism or success, does have one thing on its side: some kind of secret shared between the brothers that allows its members to feel and act differently than the opponents.


"They just had so much freakin' energy," said an opponent from Phi Delta Alpha who fell to an SAE team. "When everybody else was lagging, they picked up the energy. And all it took was a group trip to the bathroom with a composite picture. Maybe we should've had some Five Hour Energys to keep up. But, at the end of the day, I don't care. About anything. At all."

Other teams were impressed with SAE's amazing self-confidence.

"It takes a lot to have confidence in the face of overwhelming odds," said a member of Theta Delta Chi. "Or to have confidence when you're an SAE. Either way, they seemed really happy and sure of how cool they were. So did we, but you know."

Interestingly, the SAE teams chose not to wear fraternity letter shirts to show their pride. Instead, one team wore Colombian national soccer jerseys, while the other inexplicably wore US National Ski Team uniforms. When asked about the apparel, one of the SAE players rattled off something about "appeasing the sponsors," but declined to comment further.

Their pupils were dilated, their noses were bleeding, their checking account had recently been overdrawn, their eyes darted around the room, they were sex-crazed, they had intense focus, their mustaches were powdered, they were on their grind, they hit rails like Tony Hawk, they bumped like seniors trying to get on table, they skied like Bode Miller.

At the end of the day, though, the Dunyun would like to sincerely congratulate SAE on their Masters victory.

Fuckers.