Accidental Purchase of Non-Alcoholic Beer Has No Effect on Party

George Ross ’11 screwed up. He is the new Social Chair of Theta Delta Chi, and was charged with supplying the beer, and therefore the fun, for Theta Delt’s weekly “Steaky Dudes and Bottom-Feeding Chicks” party. Unfortunately, Ross made a mistake in his communications with Jack Stinson, and ordered kegs of non-alcoholic beer instead of the campus favorite, Keystone Light.

“It’s been two days, and I’m pretty sure I’m the only person who’s noticed,” said Ross. “At first, I was really nervous that the entire party would be ruined because of this. People would first notice the taste difference, and then everybody would notice that they weren’t getting drunk. Everybody would blame me. But then… nothing.”

The party went off without a hitch.

“I’d say it was a pretty sweet party,” said Alex Lacrossticks ’11, Ross’s fellow Social Chair, who was unaware of the alcohol mix-up. “It did get a little out of hand, though, towards the end of the night.”

Witnesses to the scene described a spectrum of lewd, drunken behavior. The accounts are listed below.

Dan Rayther ’10, after knocking over every single cup of beer in a freshly racked game of pong, decided to use the Keystone divider to spread the beer around on the table and then slide across the table, in what he dubbed a “beer-slide.”

Cindy Marsh ’12 used her drunkenness as an excuse for hooking up with Dan Rayther ’10, who is, in her words, “such a creep.”

Rayther claimed not to remember hooking up with Marsh.

Alice Walker ’11 only laughed when she slipped and fell on the basement floor, temporarily exposing herself to a nearby crowd.

Rick Crosby ’12 got so drunk, “just standing at the bar, pumping the keg and downing brews.”

Lars Duman ’11 listened to country music.

Martha Letcher ’13 broke up with her high school sweetheart via text message.

Seven cell phones were lost or broken, and on four separate occasions, somebody vomited and missed the trashcan completely.

Ross, who was ready to resign as Social Chair for committing such a “n00b error,” had no explanation for Saturday’s events. He was quick, however, to return the empty kegs, so as to conceal any evidence of his slip-up. Based on the outcome of the party, though, he will completely change his strategy as a Social Chair. He plans to serve non-alcoholic punch, but leave dozens of empty Zhenka bottles lying around the basement. When asked whether or not he would pee in the non-alcoholic punch, Ross had no comment.