Girl Executes Elusive Friend Group Change

Christy Jacobs ’13 had made it through her first two terms at Dartmouth and by the standard measures, she was doing great. She was making good grades thanks to her early mastery of the NRO, was in the Decibelles, was an above-average pong player and was, as Steven Safari ’13 put it, “fucking hot”.

However Jacobs felt that something was missing and it wasn’t until her spring break trip to visit her bff at Middlebury that she identified the problem, her friend group. 

Chi Heorot to Hold Grossest-Themed Dance Party Yet

Chi Heorot has been struggling in recent years. A decade ago, it was the renowned home to the hockey team and campus’s grossest-themed dance parties. Now, it is only home to the hockey team, having ceded the dance party crown to Theta Delta Chi’s weekly “Steaky Dudes and Bottom-Feeding Chicks” party. Somewhere along the way, Heorot also picked up the Heavyweight Crew team, which gives them the distinction for the group with the most boring topic of conversation on campus. Heorot needed help.

Student’s Pregnancy Scare Alert Level Raised from Code Yellow to Code Orange

Authorities officially raised the pregnancy scare alert level for Penelope Hancock ’12 from Code Yellow to Code Orange today, prompting her to blitz out to her sorority to ask, “So who wants to go to CVS with me for the ol’ First Response (yes…again lol)?” Sources confirm that while most winter pledges assumed this message to be an obvious case of blitzjack, those who were active in the fall knew full well that she wasn’t kidding.

Dr. Seuss Actually Attended UMass-Dartmouth

Shit.

’13 Abandons Dimensions Team to Secure Hookup

Evan Brechter ’13 was thrilled to be selected to this year’s dimensions team. Since he wasn’t in an a capella group, an improv group or the president of his class, all usual pre-requisites for the dimensions team, he didn’t think he stood much of a chance. To compensate for his lack of talent, he gained admission to the group that hyped themselves up as “more selective than Cornell” by spending twelve hours crafting a ten-page application complete with pie charts detailing his strengths and a list of his family’s legacies at Dartmouth.

While most members of the dimensions crew were excited for the opportunity to share their love for Dartmouth with prospective students, Brechter had a different goal, to hook up with a prospie. He explained his reasoning, “This is what Dimensions is all about, reinventing yourself as a more desirable person and tricking unsuspecting prospies into liking you.”

Dun-on-Dun with Prospies

The Dunyun sits down some of the over 650 prospies that have invaded campus in the past two days for a Dun-On-Dun interview.

What made you want to come to Dartmouth?

My dad was an ’84 in AD. It’s like the best frat. Ever heard of it?

Pong at Dartmouth is different than Beirut, your thoughts?

I’ve actually played a few games and I'm really good, probably because of my extensive experience with racket sports. I'm not sure what formation we played but I think it was bush. It’s really difficult for me to explain it if you haven’t played.

What kind of paddles do you use?

Just normal paddles (grasps imaginary handle and makes flicking motion).

How are your new friends?

Pretty good. They’re really diverse. I met two kids from Alaska, one from Monaco, two from Antarctica and one who lives in a dome under the Atlantic Ocean, weird right?

Anyone specific you’ve bonded with?

There are these two really cool guys name Baker Berry and Novack Caffey. Also this girl named Akeya Stone, I think she’s from Africa.

Highlight of the Weekend thus far?

I met Keggy the Keg. Already texted my friends telling them who Keggy is and set a picture of me with Keggy as my Fbook prof pic entitled “Party in the I.V.Y.”.

Lowlight of the Weekend thus far?

I spent thirty minutes waiting for someone to let me into the river dorms. Once someone showed up I realized I was at the crew boathouse.

What do you think is your best trait as a prospie?

Definitely my ability to order and pay quickly and efficiently in the food lines. Students always look at me like they’re impressed.

What are your other choices for college?

Even though I’d definitely like it more here (standard preface for this answer), I have two other options that I make sure to explain to everyone I meet. I can either going to go to one of the other 7 ivies plus Tufts that I got into or I can to go to a large state school because they’re actually paying me 150 K/year to go there and I’m really, really into partying.

Favorite conversation starters with other prospies?

How much I'm not going to study for my APs next week, the fact that I have a cousin who can let us play pong at “Fe Delt” (hot girls only), and my bread and butter, SAT scores.

Any reservations about Dartmouth?

I'm worried I could have a difficult transition since I’m really accustomed to Natty Light. I'm also worried that I haven’t figured out what the hottest sorority is yet, I need to start getting ready for these things.

What else are you looking forward to?

I heard the Dean’s welcome to Dartmouth talk is pretty good. I don’t really get what the big deal is but everyone seems excited. Some kid offered me a Keystone for my ticket last night. They seem to be pretty in demand so I'm holding out for something better, like a blow jay.

Dartmouth Student Body Accidentally Establishes Chi Gam Nation

The campus is reeling in the few days since the Student Assembly election, as the implications of having two Chi Gams running the school begin to sink in. Though at first marijuana slowed the reaction time of most students, many are now calling for an investigation into what they consider a "conspiracy" to replace the KDE dynasty--which many felt couldn't be worse--with a Chi Gam dynasty, which is definitely worse.

Faculty Unanimously Approve Proposal to Ban “Brocabulary”

Ever since the introduction of Wikipedia, Sparknotes, and other populist information sources into the academic world, universities across the country have been moving to ban these resources as formal citations in academic papers. While students have rebelled against these restrictions, it appears that the tide will not turn on the Wikipedia issue. At Dartmouth, though, where there is no universal Wikipedia ban, professors have recently unanimously voted in approval of a move to universally ban the use of “brocabulary” in academic papers.

Brocabulary, for those who don’t know, is the practice of inserting the words “bro” and “frat” into standard vocabulary. There is no “brofficial” list or compilation of brocabulary, as the lexicon is constantly being expanded.

FREDx Sets Record for Longest Campus Event

Dartmouth hosted its first independently organized FREDx event this Saturday through Sunday in the Moore Theatre. Although the event was hyped up as "revolutionary", "jaw-dropping" and "ball-busting", it will be remembered as "long" and "endlessly protracted". The conference shattered the college's previous record for the longest campus event, lasting 22 hours beginning Saturday and continuing through Sunday.

Dartmouth has an illustrious history of drawn-out campus events. Henry Cousar '42, the official Dartmouth historian, recounts the former record holder, the 1960 Commencement Ceremony, which due to weather and nuclear threats from the Soviet Union was relocated inside, back to the green and to an underground bunker, before finally finishing on the green. However, this only lasted 20 hours.

Staff of The D Loves the D

The student writers of The Dartmouth are a diverse group of students, hailing from all over the globe. There are members of each of the four classes, and writers with writing styles that vary from hard news to flowery editorials. But they all have one thing in common: they love the D.

“I don’t know what it is that I love so much about the D,” said one news writer. “One thing that I really love about the D is how firm it is. Other things in this crazy world flip-flop all the time, but the D knows what it is and knows what it wants and refuses to apologize for it.”

Some members of the directorate expressed concerns that, from time to time, the D can seem to swallow their lives. The only thing to do, they said, is to be proactive and swallow the D before it can swallow you.

“On an unrelated note,” another news writer said, “I hate this whole shift to online that’s been happening. Looking at the D online is OK, and it’s definitely better than nothing, but there is just nothing like actually holding the D in your hands. It has such a great texture, and you really can’t get the same physical satisfaction from looking at it online.”

Interestingly enough, different members of the staff said that they all have vastly different experiences with the D. Some have a love/hate relationship with it, while others talked about the endless needs of the D, and others still said that they were afraid of the D.

“Being afraid of the D is a common experience for our freshman writers,” said an editor. “I mean, you put some work in on it, and then the next thing you know, your name is being disseminated to thousands of people. You learn to deal with the pressure as you get older, but there’s still always a little bit of nervousness around the D.”

The same editor went on to talk about how the D is never permanently satisfied.

“So you do your work for the D for one day, and you think you’re done. But that’s never the case. Sometimes you get called back in later that night to do a little bit more work on the D. And even if that doesn’t happen, you know that the D’s going to need you tomorrow. It can be tiring. The worst is when you put in a lot of work on something for the D, and then literally nothing comes out as a result of it. Frustrating work.”

At the end of the day, though, the D going to be a part of most our lives, whether we like it or not. One editor gave the Dunyun a final piece of advice: “Love the D, and it will love you.”

Student in Thayer Lobby Definitely Waiting for Friends

Preston Larkin ’13 was sure that he made plans to eat dinner in Thayer with some friends. After blitzing a girl he liked and receiving no response, he successively blitzed a group of friends, his floor, and finally his Trip. After twenty minutes of sitting at his desk, reading his Pyschology 1 textbook and checking his blitz every twelve seconds, he finally received a response from a friend who lived in the McLaughlin cluster, saying that he was going to be “hitting up Thayer in a little bit.” Attempts to clarify what specific time was meant were unsuccessful, and Larkin did not have his friend’s cell phone number.

After fifteen minutes, which Larkin estimated to be “a little bit” of time, he headed from his room in Fahey to Thayer, where he quickly scanned the crowds in Food Court, Homeplate, and Pavilion for his friends. They were nowhere to be seen.

Admitted '14s Draw Mixed Reviews

    Last Thursday, the Admissions office admitted the College's Class of 2014, creating an overall air of excitement around campus, especially among the '13 boys.
After months of rejection from Dartmouth females, '13 boys will have a new class of women to work their charm on.
    "I'm tired of being at the bottom of the food chain," said psychologically and sexually frustrated '13 Joey Marx. "As long as I get into an A-side frat next year, I'll have my pick of freshman girls who will be clamoring just to get 3rds on my dick."    Marx, along with other members of the '13 male population, has been scoping the Class of 2014 Facebook group in order to get a read on the attractiveness of the incoming class of females. "I'm seeing some real potential in these prof pics," stated Kevin Camden, a '13. "Although I'm worried about the decreasing acceptance rate... I've heard for each .1 increase in a girl's GPA, she will be 10% less likely to be DTF."

President Kim’s Psychic Premonitions Show Mediocre Commencement Speaker Will Soon Cure Cancer

In the wake of the announcement on Monday that this year’s commencement speaker will be yet another run-of-the-mill Joe Blow who has never been on the cover of a cool magazine, run a country, or starred on a reality television show, the reactions among students in the class of 2010 have ranged from disappointment to complete outrage. In the past few days alone, at least three different Facebook groups have protested the move, including “HULK HOGAN FOR COMMENCEMENT SPEAKER,” “Who THE FUCK is Stephen Lewis?” and “Students Advocating the Firing of the Entire Dartmouth Staff and Bill Clinton and Conan O’Brien for Commencement Speakers.” However, President Jim Kim has revealed exclusively to the Dunyun that not only does he have the power to create the most adorable children alive and scale buildings with his bare hands, but he also has the power to see the future. This psychic ability allowed Kim to divine late Friday evening that Stephen Henry Lewis will cure cancer within the next five weeks. “Obviously, I had to get him while the gettin’ was good,” explains Kim. “He’s a clear shoe-in for TIME’s Man of the Year. You’re welcome.”

Abstract Nouns Endorse Katie E. Croo

In a move never before seen in Student Assembly elections, The Council of Abstract Nouns has officially endorsed Katie E. Croo '11 in her presidential candidacy. Abstract nouns have long been a staple of student elections from the Middle School level through College, yet this represents the first time that they have come out in direct support of a candidate.

Cooperation called an emergency meeting Tuesday evening along with the rest of the "Big 7" abstract nouns: Hope, Change, Communication, Dialogue, Originality and Flexibility. Cooperation explained the reason for the sudden meeting, "Croo really impressed us in her second debate. She showed some real commitment to abstract nouns in their purest form, without concrete examples weighing them down."

FoCo Finally Makes Use of Plasma TV, Installs Kiss Cam

In a closed meeting in the Tindle Lounge, DDS officials voted 6-3 to install Kiss Cam © in Food Court. Kiss Cam has been a major hit at professional sporting events for years and it was only a matter of time before it snogged into other venues.

The Cam will be set-up in the balcony facing the Main Room, surrounded by such homemade banners as "GDX Spring Rush: Nerd-Bashing Time," "Spring Boot Drive, Sponsored by Phi Delt," and "Dartmouth Coach: You Have No Other Choice". It will run from 11-1, Monday, Wednesday, Friday, and Saturday, and non-stop on big weekends. 

DDS Chief of Cool Alison Honda commented, "Unlike the Hop, we are committed to the overall dining experience at FoCo, not just 'bro-ing out' or whatever goes on over there. Our research team determined that these periods are prime time for making out. And if this initiative is to succeed, people need to hook-up. Also there's only so many times we can let you know it's Chicken Monday."

Dick’s House Diagnoses Male Student as Pregnant

I don't ask, for much these days
And I don't bitch, and whine, if I don't get my way
I only wanna fertilize another behind my lover's back
I sit and watch it grow standin' where I'm at
Fertilize another behind my lover's back
And I'm keepin' my secrets mine
I push my seed in her bush for life
It's gonna work because I'm pushin' it right
If Mary dropped my baby girl tonight
I would name her Rock'N'Roll

- Cody Chestnutt

Allen Walker ’11 was sick. He had been experiencing increasingly severe symptoms since the term began. What started as mild nausea turned into spontaneous and frequent vomiting. No medication was helping. So Walker decided to get in touch with Dick’s House to get an appointment to try to get healthy. They told him that the next available appointment was at 8 a.m. on the Friday of Green Key Weekend.

Charity Organizations Compete for Bake Sale Supremacy

It was an ugly scene in Novack Café on Sunday evening when a glitch in the college's scheduling system allowed a record eight campus organizations to set up food sales in the lobby at the base of the stairs.

Signs of the impending conflict began to appear in the mid-afternoon when students' inboxes began to fill up with blitzes about "Tonight in Novack!?!?!?!", "YOU Can Help Cure Cancer", and "CUPCAKES FOR DIABETES!" Most students simply deleted these messages, as they do with all recipient repressed blitzes.

Bake sales have long been a staple of Dartmouth College philanthropy. Although usually less successful than grilled cheese or taco sales on frat row, since students are less likely to be blacked out on a Sunday afternoon in Novack, bake sales still effectively capitalize on students' inability to equate DA$H to actual money.

Topside Hygiene Aisle Latest Arena for “Gender-Neutral” Debate

 "If you're going to have sex, use a condom." - Dennis Rodman

    The debate over gender-neutral social spaces has been raging for decades, causing world-shaking changes to campus, like some stuff that happened in Collis, and some other stuff that happened in Collis. The sides of the debate, up until recently, have been clearly defined. Proponents of change, mainly feminists who have been known to drop their politics to dress up for Kappa Kappa Gamma’s “Tight and Bright” themed meetings, argue that there are not enough gender-neutral social spaces on campus for those who would like an alternative to fraternities. The other side of the debate is composed mostly of sleeveless males who are reluctant to abandon their dominance of social spaces. For the first time, however, the sides of the debate have switched. Males on campus are arguing in favor of making the Topside hygiene aisle a gender-neutral space.

Male-on-Male Sex Not Necessarily Homosexual

“You know how I know you’re gay? I saw you make a spinach dip in a loaf of sourdough bread once.” -40 Year-Old Virgin

Evidence has been reported in the past few years indicating that, at least in the Dartmouth community, male-on-male sexual intercourse or fellatio does not in fact qualify as homosexual. In fact, case reports have shown that strictly limiting interaction with or even acknowledgement of women, necessitating high rates of bro-on-bro action, has led to a culture in which acts previously considered “gay” are now just “fratty.”

'13 Turns Down Opportunity to Hook Up with '10

Kendrick Monroe '13 awoke eagerly Wednesday morning, excited to tell both his friends and The Dunyun about his exploits from the night before.

From his perch on the back of a chair in the Hop, finishing up his second breakfast bomb, Monroe recounted his glorious achievements from the prior night when he "totally could've hooked up with the hottest '10 in KDE."

This is only the most recent incredible opportunity that Monroe has allegedly turned down this year. He also "totally could've walked onto the tennis or football team" and "beaten all those dbags who ran for president" had he chosen to do so. 

He recounted the fateful night, "It had already been a crazy, late night. I went 3-0 in pong, standard. I think it was at Phi Delt. My friends went to get some mozz sticks at foco but I'm on this new protein and fruit only diet so I decided to head back to the Choates. I was walking by KDE and there was a sick party going on, so I couldn't help but stop by."

DDS Signs Deal With Good Humor Ice Cream Truck

Amidst numerous staff layoffs, Dartmouth Dining Service has launched its new initiative “More Jobs, Less Firing”, spearheaded by the purchase of a Good Humor ice cream truck. DDS Head Michael Bublio commented, “We’re really excited about the addition of an ice cream truck to our offerings. It creates two new jobs, Driver and Ice Cream Gatherer, and will greatly service the Dartmouth community as the weather warms.”

The truck will run 7 days a week from 2 PM – 4 PM, looping the Green over and over again. Other than the standard Screwball (save the gum, always), Klondike Bars, and SpongeBob Ice Pops selection, the Dartmouth truck will offer such Dartmouth-specific treats as frozen Pong Paddle complete with white gumball pong ball, a customizable Face pop with your very own face, and chocolate-covered Nugs.

Accidental Purchase of Non-Alcoholic Beer Has No Effect on Party

George Ross ’11 screwed up. He is the new Social Chair of Theta Delta Chi, and was charged with supplying the beer, and therefore the fun, for Theta Delt’s weekly “Steaky Dudes and Bottom-Feeding Chicks” party. Unfortunately, Ross made a mistake in his communications with Jack Stinson, and ordered kegs of non-alcoholic beer instead of the campus favorite, Keystone Light.

“It’s been two days, and I’m pretty sure I’m the only person who’s noticed,” said Ross. “At first, I was really nervous that the entire party would be ruined because of this. People would first notice the taste difference, and then everybody would notice that they weren’t getting drunk. Everybody would blame me. But then… nothing.”

The party went off without a hitch.

College Cuts Econ Dept to Slow Spread of Douchiness on Campus

In a surprise move announced over the weekend, the College has cut the Economics department. Although the reasons were deemed as budgetary, sources inside Parkhurst admit that it was to slow the spread of "douchiness" on campus.

The move came in response to GQ Magazine naming Dartmouth the 15th douchiest school in the nation, only one spot behind Brown. President Kim allegedly responded, saying "Steps must be taken, there is no way my alma mater is going to be the least douchy school of the ivies."

The College quietly began these cuts last month by not letting freshman into any Economics courses for spring term. In an editorial, the freshman class president Andrew Kartsonis advocated for his class, "This is completely unacceptable. Just like every class before us, we came to Dartmouth to wear topsiders with colorful pastel pants, play some club volleyball and take econ courses. There's no reason we should be deprived of the Dartmouth Experience. "

Small Talk about the Weather Skyrockets to an All-Time High

Student researchers in the Anthropology department involved in a decades-old project called “Chitchat on the Hill” report that the number of mentions of the weather in casual conversation among acquaintances in the undergraduate body has peaked impressively in the past week, with an average of eleven conversations about the weather per person per day. This average marks an all-time record high for weather small talk, just barely edging out the surge of small talk about the weather following the Blizzard of ‘78. Though the social prowess of most Dartmouth students has never been particularly noteworthy, the trend of painfully boring small talk topics indicates that each year the student body becomes more and more noticeably crippled from social anxiety and general total ignorance of how to schmooze properly. Students who attended boarding schools are notable exceptions, but only to each other.

Dun-on-Dun with The Green

The Dunyun held a Dun-on-Dun with the center of campus The Green.

How do you deal with the lack of attention in the Winter?

Jerk off.

What do you do with all the leftover Frisbees?

Donate them to Haiti.

Doesn’t every girl look better in a sundress?

Yes. Yes. Yes.

What’s your favorite season?

Sophomore Summer. So much ass.

What is your position on puppies?

Puppy-Style is awesome. It’s like Doggy-Style but a little cuter.

Panarchists Permanently Blackballed from the Babysitting Industry

In a move that many view as a long time coming and others consider “total narc bullshit,” the National Association of Babysitters (slogan: “Say hello to your little friends”) announced yesterday that they would no longer accept any applicants who are shown to have ever been a member of Panarchy at Dartmouth. Linda Doolittle, the organization’s spokesperson, explained, “Don’t think we don’t know what’s going on in there!” The NABs already conduct a basic search of the national sex offender registry during their hiring process, but this new additional background check is meant to “keep out any other criminal ruffians disguised as Dudley Do-Right Ivy Leaguers in an effort to keep the children of this nation safe from debauchery.”