Rigorous Selection Process Legitimizes Student Group

The Wheelock Vox Society, a popular student organization, has seen an unprecedented number of applicants this fall. Sources inside Wheelock Vox attribute the rise in interest almost exclusively to its historically low acceptance rate. Despite already high levels of applications, the deadline was still extended by two weeks.

 The Dunyun has been unable to determine what exactly Wheelock Vox does.

New Hazing Policies Address "Buffoonery" Epidemic

Thanks to Dean Johnson’s new hazing policies, buffoonerous acts no longer have a place at Dartmouth College. The policies, which explicitly ban any and all acts of “buffoonery”—actually, look it up—have been strictly enforced by both Safety and Security and a number of 18^th century British police officers, who after hearing word of Dartmouth’s initiative, agreed to lend their expertise and experience in the fight against buffoonery.

 “It was hypocritical for us to condone buffoonery,” said Dean Johnson in a statement to the Dunyun. “Especially when we had such a no-tolerance policy on tomfoolery and ruffianism.” Dartmouth had previously banned tomfoolery and ruffianism in a controversial 1876 decision.

The Dunyun 102.2

102 Things to Do before you Graduate

1) Boot.
2) Break up with your boy/girlfriend from home now and save yourself some time.
3) Share personal information with random people in your building during orientation; never speak to them again.
4) Heckle aggressively at a sporting event not conducive to heckling.
5) Argue with a DDS employee about the definition of "stealing."
6) Touch the fire...and by that we mean hook up with a ginger.
7) Leave your 10A to boot in the bathroom.
8) Stacks.
9) Hook up with someone the first week of your FSP. Make it super awkward for the next nine.
10) Sit in a chemistry exam. Midway through, tear up your exam and run out yelling "Fuck it, I don't want to be a doctor."
11) Goodsam that trippee who pretends they don't recognize you.
12) “Raise Awareness” for a cause you couldn’t care less about.
13) Apologize for partying.
14) Keep your Croo hair for way too long.
15) Hook up with a mistake.
16) Be somebody else's mistake.
17) Spend hours picking your classes freshmen fall. End up taking Econ 1, Psych 1 and Writing 5.
18) Buy condoms from a vending machine.
19) Spike the tea at Sanborn.
20) Donate blood instead of pregaming.
21) Chuckle when you get the blitz for the Alpha Delta Literary Contest.
22) "Totally fail" your Gov paper by getting a B+.
23) Send a blitz that ignites a campus-wide controversy.
24) Tell your friends from home how cold it is. They care!
25) Complain about how KAF ruined the Periodicals room while enjoying an iced chai latte and eating a quiche.
26) Get a boner dancing the Salty Dog Rag. Tuck it.
27) Register an event just for the party pack.
28) Talk about how much you hate Theta Delt.
29) Go there anyways.
30) Get more excited for a blitz from Witstracking than from your most recent hookup.
31) BEMA.
32) Subscribe to the “Daily” Dunyun.
33) Lower your standards.
34) Get a slice of pizza from your floor meeting, then leave.
35) Reply-all. We care what you have to say. We really do.
36) Sit down with Tuckies in Byrne and start complaining about the economy.
37) Realize the hard way that Twin XL beds do not fit two people
38) Join an a capella group (just kidding).
39) Top of the Hop.
40) Pretend sucking at pong equates to just not caring.
41) Miss the bus from formal, make a weekend out of it.
42) Attempt to convert somebody to the sexual preference required to hook up with you.
43) Spend hours, days, weeks talking with your buddies about block-rushing Zete and totally "running shit" from day one. All shake-out Theta Delt.
44) Stay here longer than Jim Kim.
45) Pressure a sober kid into driving you to Fort Lou's.
46) Fart while receiving oral sex.
47) Tell your friends from home that Dr. Seuss went here.
48) Call it “FoCo” but have no idea why.
49) The Green.
50) Go through rush and corporate recruiting "just to see." Then join a house and take that job offer.
51) Steal a patch of Beta’s lawn for use as your own personal putting green.
52) Wait out a line of five.
53) Watch longingly with an arm outstretched while the 4 brothers behind the bar chug beers.
54) Struggle when the Novack lady asks you for the "magic word." Hint: It's fucking please.
55) Take a nap.
56) Realize that a dance-floor makeout means nothing. Suddenly feel inadequate.
57) Tentatively schedule lunch dates you have no intention of keeping.
58) Pretend you got mono from hooking up. Just pong.
59) Hone your stalking skills: DND, Facebook, Dartmouthsports.com.
60) Criticize Keystone, keep drinking.
61) Take a shit on top of Mt. Moosilauke.
62) Get fat.
63) Wake up when it's already dark outside.
64) Be totally over the Greek System. Go to BG.
65) Spend more time calculating what grade you need to hit your NRO than studying.
66) Wonder where your tuition money is going while trampling the freshly sodded Robo lawn.
67) Send a morning-after blitz.
68) Don't send a morning-after blitz.
69) Pretend you've never heard of cantaloupe. We just think that would be funny.
70) Search your name on Bored at Baker. Realize you accidentally submitted your name. FUCK.
71) 50 Yard Line.
72) Try to get a sandwich named after you at the Hop. Fail. You're no Billy Bob.
73) Knock over cups on a throw save. Don't offer to help clean it up.
74) Steal a black North Face when you're drunk. Keep it in case someone steals your bike and you need to offer a reward.
75) Listen to Toast while eating toast.
76) Request "I Just Had Sex" from the belltower.
77) Derive your sense of self worth mainly from things that don’t matter.
78) Black in trying to climb Bartlett Tower while shouting “I am the lone pine!”
79) Repair the Green Print and be a hero for 10 minutes.
80) Steps of Dartmouth Hall.
81) Flip a table to make room when FoCo gets too crowded.
82) Figure it's time you settle down and start looking for a relationship. Hook up with that freshman.
83) Pick up the D, read the Overheards, don't forget to recycle.
84) Poach someone else's EBAs.
85) Make better friends from Diversions than DOC.
86) Get pissed at other people for trying.
87) Fellate a professor during office hours, metaphorically.
88) Get treated for dysentery at Dick's House with a cherry-flavored popsicle. Feel better.
89) Get upset when someone steals your stolen bike from FoCo.
90) Abandon your standards.
91) Wake up in someone else's room...without their knowledge or permission.
92) Take advantage of someone for their room draw number.
93) President's Lawn.
94) Join the ten-foot-high club on the Dartmouth Coach.
95) Get COSO funding for a totally bullshit club, such as "Dartmouth Students for the Acceptance of 3rd Nipples," "Dartmouth Fights Tooth Plaque," or "Students for Africa"
96) Crush some freshmen in pong. Win by 2 fulls.
97) Feel like a boss when you get 18 blitzes. Hate the Listserv.
98) Go to the apple orchard/Derby/polar bear swim and think only about taking pictures for Facebook.
99) Hate everyone.
100) Confuse Advance Transit with the AT. Congratulate yourself on completing the AT when you get let off at the Hop.
101) Squander opportunities you don't deserve in the first place.
102) Rally.

Instagram Revolutionizes Sophomore Summer

Photographers and “photographers” alike are taking advantage of Instagram, a recent application that effectively transforms any innocuous iPhone picture into a nostalgic reminder of good times and our long lost youth.

Instagram works by filtering pictures of the Green on a nice day or of you and your friends wearing flair with a yellowish, aging tint so that instead of looking stupid, you look classy as fuck.

NBC Confirms that No One Outside of Dartmouth Cared about The Sing-Off

The a capella reality show “The Sing Off” took the Dartmouth community by storm last fall when the Dartmouth Aires competed on the show, capturing second place. However, NBC cancelled the upcoming season of the show this week, confirming suspicions that no one really cared about The Sing Off outside of Dartmouth.

Like a freshman during orientation, the greater Dartmouth community was enamored by catchy melodies, energetic dance moves and mostly the chance to see people they knew on national television. The greater Dartmouth community therefore assumed that, since they were excited for their connection to the fourth most popular reality singing competition on television, all of America shared this excitement.

Lone Pine Discovered to have been Early Cell Phone Tower in Disguise

Shocking new evidence has uncovered a century old conspiracy regarding Dartmouth’s famous Lone Pine. Documents found in Rauner Library by some freshman “trying to get the most out of his Dartmouth experience” show that the iconic tree was nothing more than an early prototype of a cell phone tower disguised as a pine tree.

Cedric Bell, a historian of Bell Telephone Company, which undertook the tower project, was surprised that it wasn’t discovered sooner, “It seems obvious when you look back at it. What do you see whenever you drive through rural New Hampshire? Huge pine trees towering over all the other trees on hilltops. If you saw the ‘Lone Pine’ now, you would immediately think about how obnoxious it is that Dartmouth let them build a cell phone tower overlooking campus and do nothing but nail on a few branches to conceal it.”

Bones Gate Ironically Becoming Mainstream

After years of maintaining a reputation as “alternative” and “edgy”, recent visitors and fraternity stereotype experts have officially determined that the fraternity has achieved mainstream status.

Bones Gate officially refutes this claim, instead asserting that they are not actually becoming mainstream, but are instead doing it ironically.

A Letter from President Kim

March 23, 2012

To the Dartmouth Community,

[Sorry it took me over a month to write you about a campus-wide hazing scandal but less than an hour to tell you about my sick new job offer.] I write to share the news that President Barack Obama [ever heard of him?] has asked me to stand for nomination as president of the World Bank. This is one of the most critical institutions fighting poverty [you know, that shit DDS workers complain about] and providing assistance to developing countries in the world today [plus great photo ops with starving children :)]. After much reflection [repeatedly introducing myself in front of the mirror as president of the World Bank], I have accepted this nomination to national and global service.

When I assumed the presidency of Dartmouth, I did so with the full and deep belief that the mission of higher education is to prepare us for lives of leadership and service in our professions and communities [You may think I’ve used Dartmouth as a stepping stone, but we all know the point of Dartmouth is getting a sick banking job afterwards, don’t hate because mine is better]. While President Obama's call is compelling, the prospect of leaving Dartmouth at this stage is very difficult [difficult to decide which shade of white I want my new business cards in, leaning towards eggshell]. Nevertheless, should the World Bank's Board of Executive Directors elect me as the next president, I will embrace the responsibility.

As Chair of the Dartmouth Board of Trustees Steve [what’s his name, fuck it] Something '78 and I have discussed, if I am elected, our Board will take appropriate steps to ensure continuity of leadership and determine the timing of a search [They will also update their search procedures, adding the question, “do you actually want to be president of Dartmouth College?”]. For now, I remain president of Dartmouth [senior spring bitches!]. Steve and I will keep you informed of the nominating process and timing of a final decision by the World Bank next month [you could also probably read about it in a White House press release, The Wall Street Journal, The Boston Globe, The Economist, The New York Times, and fuck it, maybe even Yahoo! News, I don’t know.]

Sincerely,
Jim Yong Kim
[President Dr.] President, Dartmouth College

Dartmouth Student Compromises Love of IBanking for a Soul-Sucking Career in Women and Gender Studies

In the success-driven environment of the Ivy League, many students feel pressured to give up

studies in subjects they genuinely love in order to ensure a lucrative future career.

James Allen ’13 has always been aware of his passion for the financial sector. “Ever since I was

a little kid I knew I wanted to be an investment banker. As I lay in bed at night, I would count

stock market futures instead of sheep. My first word was ‘capitalism’.”

Sadly, this has proved to be an unrealistic childhood dream. Allen was ridiculed by his peers

when he affirmed his desire to pursue a banking career.

Important iPhone Blitz really just Tiny Wings

Trevor Logan ’13 was seen in Collis today staring at his iPhone with a furrowed brow and serious demeanor. Despite widespread speculation that he was sending a very important email, new evidence indicates that he was in fact playing Tiny Wings.

Eyewitnesses report that Logan had been waiting to meet his friend, Caroline Rosenfeld ’14, when he suddenly remembered the ‘important blitz’ he had to send. Thankfully, Rosenwald’s late arrival allowed Logan the much-needed time to thoughtfully respond to the email.