New Hazing Policies Address "Buffoonery" Epidemic

Thanks to Dean Johnson’s new hazing policies, buffoonerous acts no longer have a place at Dartmouth College. The policies, which explicitly ban any and all acts of “buffoonery”—actually, look it up—have been strictly enforced by both Safety and Security and a number of 18^th century British police officers, who after hearing word of Dartmouth’s initiative, agreed to lend their expertise and experience in the fight against buffoonery.

 “It was hypocritical for us to condone buffoonery,” said Dean Johnson in a statement to the Dunyun. “Especially when we had such a no-tolerance policy on tomfoolery and ruffianism.” Dartmouth had previously banned tomfoolery and ruffianism in a controversial 1876 decision.

Several students have voiced opposition to the new policy, which they claim hinders their ability to feed beans to their neighbors’ horses or make fart noises with their butter churners. “We’re on probation for two terms because I buckled Pledge Ezekiel’s clogs together during Prayer,” said Josiah Westinghouse ’14.

“Pledge term won’t be the same anymore,” said Oliver Cromwell ’13, the pledge educator of Theta Delta Chi. “We’ve had to replace our more buffoonerous activities with drinking large amounts of ale and pistol duels.”

The repercussions for buffoonery are similar to those for tomfoolery or batch: anywhere from social probation to an afternoon in the stockades.

The buffoonery clause was added during an open forum Dean Johnson held last Wednesday at 10 PM to discuss the new policies. Even though many students couldn’t go because they had “a meeting,” Johnson was reportedly surprised that there had been almost no opposition to the hazing guidelines. Students voted overwhelmingly to ban buffoonery, with a din of  ‘yays’ drowning out the ‘nays.’

College administrators maintain that the new policies are not absurd or out-of-touch and will make Dartmouth a safer, more welcoming place for every white, male landowner.