In a move that many view as a long time coming and others consider “total narc bullshit,” the National Association of Babysitters (slogan: “Say hello to your little friends”) announced yesterday that they would no longer accept any applicants who are shown to have ever been a member of Panarchy at Dartmouth. Linda Doolittle, the organization’s spokesperson, explained, “Don’t think we don’t know what’s going on in there!” The NABs already conduct a basic search of the national sex offender registry during their hiring process, but this new additional background check is meant to “keep out any other criminal ruffians disguised as Dudley Do-Right Ivy Leaguers in an effort to keep the children of this nation safe from debauchery.”
Thursday, April 1, 2010
Wednesday, March 31, 2010
Student Sexiled Into Inner Room Wonders If There Is Anything Worse
“Hell hath no fury like a roommate trapped.” – William Congreve, paraphrased
On Monday night, Gregory Dunlop ’11 was awakened by the sound of his room’s door slamming shut. Dunlop, who lives in the inner room of a two-room double in Gile, at first thought that the sound was only the return of his roommate, Josh Martin ’11. Dunlop was just about to yell out to Martin when he heard a female voice on the other side of the door.
“They say the first reaction is often the best one,” said Dunlop. “And my first reaction was, ‘fuck.’ Turns out that that was the right one on so many different levels.”
On Monday night, Gregory Dunlop ’11 was awakened by the sound of his room’s door slamming shut. Dunlop, who lives in the inner room of a two-room double in Gile, at first thought that the sound was only the return of his roommate, Josh Martin ’11. Dunlop was just about to yell out to Martin when he heard a female voice on the other side of the door.
“They say the first reaction is often the best one,” said Dunlop. “And my first reaction was, ‘fuck.’ Turns out that that was the right one on so many different levels.”
The Dunyun Detective: Slitzing
Every upperclassman remembers that magical moment, that passionate eclipse, when she lost her Slitzinity. We all know the story: that Writing 5 cutie blitzes you asking when the first draft of that 3 page final paper is due, this leads to mild, then heavy Flitzing, and finally, full-on Slitzing. Recently, Slitzing has become a pillar of the Dartmouth hookup culture. But is it healthy? How is Slitzing really affecting us? The Dunyun takes a look.
What is "Slitzing," a Dartmouth outsider (Grandma) might ask? It’s an amalgamation of the term "blitzing," Dartmouth's version of barking at other people, and "sex," defined alternately as “the penetration of any orifice by another object” and “a highly designed coffee table book written by Madonna.”
What is "Slitzing," a Dartmouth outsider (Grandma) might ask? It’s an amalgamation of the term "blitzing," Dartmouth's version of barking at other people, and "sex," defined alternately as “the penetration of any orifice by another object” and “a highly designed coffee table book written by Madonna.”
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
Students “Already Excited for Green Key”
“Happiness makes up in height for what it lacks in length.” – Robert Frost
In a campus-wide survey awkwardly administered on your way to lunch after your 12 on Monday, students indicated that their break was good, but—more importantly—that they are excited for Green Key Weekend.
Green Key, which features festivals, carnivals, love-ivals, concerts and day drinking, was unanimously hailed as “the best weekend ever.”
“I love it so much,” said Rita Rogers ’11. “I love day drinking. It’s like normal drinking, but it’s during the day, and the sun is out, and all your friends are there. It’s just… Green Key. The freshmen really have no idea what they’re in for.’
Karyn Partridge ’13 confirmed that she has no idea what she’s in for.
In a campus-wide survey awkwardly administered on your way to lunch after your 12 on Monday, students indicated that their break was good, but—more importantly—that they are excited for Green Key Weekend.
Green Key, which features festivals, carnivals, love-ivals, concerts and day drinking, was unanimously hailed as “the best weekend ever.”
“I love it so much,” said Rita Rogers ’11. “I love day drinking. It’s like normal drinking, but it’s during the day, and the sun is out, and all your friends are there. It’s just… Green Key. The freshmen really have no idea what they’re in for.’
Karyn Partridge ’13 confirmed that she has no idea what she’s in for.
Monday, March 29, 2010
Student Reports Incident of Elusive Female Orgasm on Dartmouth Campus, Falls in “Love”
A shocking report of a true blue non-auto-induced female orgasm hit campus early Saturday morning after Maggie Turner ’13 experienced her very first climax during sexual intercourse with Dan Bailey ’11. Immediately following the awkward early-morning search for her bra, Turner trudged home at dawn to blitz out to all of her friends about it. “I was as shocked as anyone,” Turner says. “I mean, I was beginning to think that it didn’t really exist. I certainly don’t know anyone who’s ever had a real one, you know, the whole toe-curling, pillow-biting kit and caboodle.” Turner says her friends were “so jealous, and a little bit skeptical. You could pick it up in the ellipses that they didn’t believe me. Like, one of them asked if I was sure I didn’t pee and another one said ‘Pics or it didn’t happen.’ Well, if I could feel like that from pissing I would constantly drink coffee and beer, that’s all I’m saying.”
The Dunyun Cures AIDS
“They ain’t never curing AIDS. They can’t even cure Athlete’s Foot!” – Chris Rock
For decades, The Dunyun has been a shining light of social and political activism. From successfully uncovering the Watergate scandal to giving Monica Lewinsky romantic advice, we’ve always been doing what we can to make the world a better place. We have, however, not been without our critics. There are those who accuse us of “not doing anything” and of “just being mean to people.” However, this chapter in The Dunyun’s life is now in the past. On Sunday, The Dunyun successfully cured AIDS.
Acquired Immune Deficiency Syndrome, more commonly known as AIDS, is a health problem that has confounded medical experts and devastated the developing world. The disease has killed over 2 million people worldwide. For years, leading researchers have struggled to develop an effective vaccine or cure. The solution, however, is much more simple. All that one needs to do to cure AIDS and save the world is to make fun of shit.
For decades, The Dunyun has been a shining light of social and political activism. From successfully uncovering the Watergate scandal to giving Monica Lewinsky romantic advice, we’ve always been doing what we can to make the world a better place. We have, however, not been without our critics. There are those who accuse us of “not doing anything” and of “just being mean to people.” However, this chapter in The Dunyun’s life is now in the past. On Sunday, The Dunyun successfully cured AIDS.
Acquired Immune Deficiency Syndrome, more commonly known as AIDS, is a health problem that has confounded medical experts and devastated the developing world. The disease has killed over 2 million people worldwide. For years, leading researchers have struggled to develop an effective vaccine or cure. The solution, however, is much more simple. All that one needs to do to cure AIDS and save the world is to make fun of shit.
'12 Needs Third Class, Easy
After a terribly hungover first day of classes, Stevie Worthington '12 looked at his Schedule Detail and only had two classes: Socy 3: Talking to People and Rel 12: Advanced Praying.
Worthington had gotten jacuzzied the night before and was really feeling the stones in his stomach in the morning. But he managed to shop Econ 35: Corporate Recruiting in the 11. The teacher however refused to accept any more students even "social chairs".
"I'm an affluent Econ major, my Dad is Craig from Craig's List, and I'm in a frat," yelled Worthington. "How can you not put me in this class?"
Monday, March 15, 2010
Publication Ceased Until Spring Term
After a long term spent making up news--tiring work, let me tell you--The Dunyun's staff is taking a vacation. Don't worry! We'll all be back in the spring with even funnier headlines and maybe some articles that you might skim during your 12. In the meantime, however, we'd like to share our vacation plans with our wonderful readers. Feel free to use our ideas as inspiration for how to spend your break.
Stephen Briggs '12 is spending his break going on a cross-country drive, stopping at all 50 state schools to "pick up chicks." We don't have the heart to tell him that you can't drive to Hawaii, but also have faith that he can't count that high.
Frannie Mays '11 is turning 21 and looking forward to her first sip of alcohol. She will be eating roasted chicken with her fingers and pretending she killed it herself. She also has plans in the works to fuck a lion, play online bridge, and do an independent study of BG pledge term
James Engle '11 will be spending his days working on a tan and his nights working with a chainsaw to improve his lumberjack skills. In the wee hours, he will be watching Jude Law and Hugh Grant movies to perfect his charming British accent. He will also take a course on French cooking. He will return from spring break as the perfect man.
Stephen Briggs '12 is spending his break going on a cross-country drive, stopping at all 50 state schools to "pick up chicks." We don't have the heart to tell him that you can't drive to Hawaii, but also have faith that he can't count that high.
Frannie Mays '11 is turning 21 and looking forward to her first sip of alcohol. She will be eating roasted chicken with her fingers and pretending she killed it herself. She also has plans in the works to fuck a lion, play online bridge, and do an independent study of BG pledge term
James Engle '11 will be spending his days working on a tan and his nights working with a chainsaw to improve his lumberjack skills. In the wee hours, he will be watching Jude Law and Hugh Grant movies to perfect his charming British accent. He will also take a course on French cooking. He will return from spring break as the perfect man.
Friday, March 12, 2010
Shocking Study Reveals That Being Featured on the Dartmouth Homepage Leads to Depression and Substance Abuse
Dartmouth, like any other college, has many students who struggle with depression. For years, researchers have searched for a common link that may inform doctors on the treatment of the disease and, hopefully, how to prevent it. This search has been futile until recently, when a team working at Dartmouth-Hitchcock Medical Center discovered the missing link. Any student who is featured on the Dartmouth homepage will soon find him- or herself struggling with existential anxiety, depression, substance abuse, and a host of other problems. One leading theory, proposed by Roger Morton, a psychologist at DHMC, is that once an individual has been featured on the homepage, there is “nothing left to live for.”
According to Morton, being featured in a picture on the Dartmouth homepage is “the holy grail” of achievements for a Dartmouth undergraduate.
According to Morton, being featured in a picture on the Dartmouth homepage is “the holy grail” of achievements for a Dartmouth undergraduate.
Thursday, March 11, 2010
Dun-on-Dun with Bored @ Baker
Why'd you choose Dartmouth?
Piping hot girls. Am I hard guyz?
What's your plan after college?
AD pledge hopefully. Fingers crossed. Is it cool if I round my 3.6 to a 3.8 before Rush?
What are your thoughts on gay people?
DTF in the Stacks. Always.
What does it take to become newsworthy?
You click the button. (1 Newsworthy)
Are you single?
Been "interning" with Linda Gridley since Frosh fall. Yup.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
Posts
