Anniversary

Greetings from The Dunyun.

Sunday, December 5th, 2010

It's our first birthday! One year ago to the day, James Engle was sitting on Fourth Floor Berry with a full bladder, Frannie Mays was tripping balls on a Five-Hour Energy, Stephen Briggs was congratulating himself on finishing pledge term, and nobody had heard of Jayson Doubleday. We were muggles all. But James, Frannie, and Stephen were united by common cause: a desire to procrastinate, wasted writing talent, and a lot of stuff to complain about. And so we trudged on, making fun of more things than we knew were possible. Some people got pissed at us along the way. Oh well. Only God can judge me. And Dartmouth has no speech code, suckas!

A couple months into our time, Jayson imposed himself on our ranks, and we were too tired to object. The spring saw us starting to experiment with new styles, especially Briggs's signature "Dun-on-Dun" and "Dear Stephen" segments, and Frannie's unparalleled "Vox Querentis" rants, which have become staples. We took somewhat of a break over the summer, as Briggs was way too busy fratting to write, but have been back this fall, tired but determined. We're looking forward to our second year, which looks promising with new material, fresh styles, and some budding talent in the ranks.

To celebrate our first year, though, we've put together a fuckin' tome of new articles for you to read. We know it's finals and you're so stressed and you don't have the time to read all of them, but save this blitz and go back to a new article when you need a study break.

We love you,

The Dunyun

Free Breakfast for Dinner Completely Compensates Students for Usual DDS Price Level

Preying on students’ lack of sleep and day of subsistence on Novack food, DDS took the opportunity on the last night before finals to gain some goodwill from the student body. By offering breakfast for dinner, commonly called brinner, free of charge, DDS effectively eliminated all animosity towards its usually bloated price levels for the foreseeable future. 

Managers and employees alike were excited about the giveaway. Ed Harvin, the co-vice president of public goodwill and decorations for DDS, explained, “We’re always looking for ways to give back to students. I mean were keeping Novack open 24 hours today and even giving a larger selection of $4 drinks. All we ask for in return is a mere $1,500 per term and the patience to deal with limited dining options and long lines.” 

Vox Querentis: Wrong and THE WRONGEST

I have been done wrong. So Becky Gibson is this stuck-up, terrible girl with a whole group of cliquey friends that I’m not even about to try to talk to. They’re so mean and exclusive and they wouldn’t even let me join their Barbie Club EVEN THOUGH I served as loyal secretary to their Kittycat Tea Party Club for all of third grade. I spend most of my time talking to the assistant principal about how I think her and the Barbie Club are a downright poisonous element to the Adlai Stevenson Junior High community and in the meantime writing nasty letters about her to all my friends (and I know my loyal readers are used to seeing my anti-Becky opinions published in the weekly Fightin’ Amish newspaper, but today is reserved for the Jonas Brothers issue and I just don’t know where else I could publish an unsolicited and self-indulgent editorial on such short notice).

DREAM Extends Program to Choates, Eyes Move to River

The well-known community organization DREAM has announced an extension of its mentoring program to the dorms of the Choates cluster, and future plans to incorporate those of the River. DREAM at Dartmouth currently runs mentoring programs at Northwoods, Hollow Drive, and Windsor, all of which are local subsidized housing developments.

In its mission statement, DREAM states its goal of providing an opportunity for the children to “see new perspectives” and “take advantage of community resources.”

Although the inclusion of Dartmouth freshmen into the program will undoubtedly make for the oldest “mentees” in DREAM’s history, DREAM president Allie Gordon ’11 professed her optimism in positively affecting those students of the Choates.

Christmas Tree Given “Exempt” Status by PC Police

In a rare display of generosity and warmth, the PC Police voted unanimously this week to give the Christmas tree in the middle of the Green “exempt” status on its political incorrectness. Reasons cited for not making a big deal about the tree are “Christmas spirit”, “not ruining a good time”, and “too busy with finals”.

The PC Police could call out the tree on any number of grounds. The tree promotes a Christian-centric approach, as the most prominent location on campus is given over to a celebration of one specific religion. Other religions rarely get such prominent or long-lasting displays. But the tree in the middle of the Green is just so damn heart-warming, especially when it’s all lit up.

Dartmouth Holds Saturday Morning “Keyster Egg” Hunt for Hanover Youth

In a show of goodwill to the Hanover community, The Dartmouth Office of Community Relations (OCR) has organized a campus wide scavenger hunt for local children. The scavenger hunt, to be held Saturday morning, will be for crushed Keystones carefully hidden in bushes, gutters, and sidewalks around campus.

Giaccone launches new attack on Greek system, enlists PETA, admissions officers

Free the Dags.

Hanover Police has started looking for help from unlikely
sources in a new "creative" effort to "improve" the Greek
system, according to Nick Giaccone.

As the first step of the two-part plan--also known
as "Boost Webster"--representatives from People for the
Ethical Treatment of Animals will be invited to visit
fraternities.

The Need to Be Engaged

Dartmouth girls need to wake up and realize that all boys at Dartmouth are looking for is a wife, point blank.

Let's back up a second. To be more exact, let's back up about two nights. I'm in the basement of Theta Delt, and I see a guy talking to girl. Let's call him Guy, and her Girl. He asks her to play pong. My friend, let's call her Friend, turns to me and comments about how he just wants to "get in her pants."

'14 Fails Midterm, Claims to Stop Caring

Upon arriving at Dartmouth, James Thornton '14 instantly declared his intention to pull the 4.0 and become a successful neurosurgeon so he could "get all the ass" that he felt had been denied to him ever since he became an overachiever in 3rd grade.

News in Brief

“Scream Save” Popularity on the Rise

The “scream save,” consisting of screaming while the pong ball hurdles imminently towards your cups (dropping the paddle is optional), has recently become a quite popular go-to move for Dartmouth students during games of pong. This challenging save takes great mental reflexes combined with poor physical coordination, as well as genuine concern about the consumption of Keystone and/or the loss of the game. Scream saves are expected to increase Kappa pong talent by up to 63% in any given game, and up to 80% when combined with team saves.

AD Starts Bidding War for Spots to Supertails 2011

Following the recent success of Supertails 2010, Alpha Delta Fraternity has decided to sell spots to Supertails next fall. Supertails, which normally pairs AD with the “top three” sororities, Delta Delta Delta, Kappa Delta Epsilon, and Kappa Kappa Gamma, has become an institution all of its own. The reputation of “the top three” now supercedes the actual sororities invited. Given this, AD Social Chair Bob Shandell ’11 has decided to sell spots to next year’s Supertails, knowing that any sorority in attendance will instantly be considered part of the social elite.

“Just think about it,” Shandell said. “Let’s say we didn’t sell these spots, but all of a sudden, Kappa wasn’t invited. Instead, Alpha Phi got invited. People would start to take notice. ‘Oh, maybe Alpha Phi’s on the rise. They’re pretty cool. They went to Supertails!’”

News in Brief

“Acquaintance Duped by Cleverly Suppressed Recipient List”

Like most Dartmouth students, Walter Clausen ’14 was not planning on going to the Sings a capella show on Monday night at Zete. However, when he received a personal blitz from his trippee, Sarah, whom he sits two rows behind in Writing 5, asking “I know we haven't talked in a while but it would really mean a lot to me if you came to my show tonight. We’ve all been working really hard and I have a solo ;) but I'm kindof nervous,” he relented. 

The Dunyun’s Guide to Pretending to be Good at Pong

Let’s face it, most of us aren’t good at pong. I know, there was that one time that you “held table for five games” or “sunk four cups in a row to seal an epic comeback” but you usually fail to mention all the blown leads and attempts at spin serves when you sheepishly hit a cup. As a certified expert in not being good at pong, I've compiled a guide on how to look like you are good at pong, even if that is obviously not the case. 

It starts with what most would consider the basics, yet many people somehow fail miserably. This is not looking stupid or douchy while playing and starts and ends with not getting overly competitive. Sure, if you're sinking a cup in Masters then feel free to let out a loud “Let’s Go” but I don’t want to hear it at 11:30 on a Monday night. This extends to throwing anything in anger: paddles, cups, your partner, etc.

Vox Querentis: Sorority Semi Scrape Scene Alliteration

Sorority Semis are witness to more scraping than a fraternity basement. This can be deduced observationally by observing the KDE semi and contrasting it to the concurrent Heorot Dance Party, or by examining eyewitness accounts and expert testimonials. Either way, the conclusion is the same: more intense scraping can be found at a sorority semi than at a fraternity dance party.

The expectations are much higher. You’re either going with a friend-date, or you’re a clear mismatch with your date and there’s no chance the chemistry will align long enough for you to slip your tongue in. You’ve spent your entire night watching the couples around you get cuter and cuter, eventually going from a cute pong celebration to a full-on dance floor makeout. The basement starts emptying out, and only the dregs are left.

Students Fail to Read Fine Print of ’11 Class Council Blind Date Offer; Are Bound to Name Lovechild “CC”

The 2011 Class Council has recently offered seniors the chance to go on a free blind date with each other. Students had to fill out a personality questionnaire that was kept “confidential”. Based on this questionnaire, students were matched with other seniors and given gift cards to buy a meal at a dining establishment in town. Students were confused about the reasons behind Class Council’s decision to sponsor awkward blind dates. They were confused, that is, until they read the fine print of Class Council’s binding offer. If a pairing set up by Class Council leads to procreation down the road, the child will legally be bound to be named “CC”. Sources speculate that this is an effort to cement the relevancy of Class Council.

Stickers Validate Hundreds of Students as Good People

Although most Dartmouth students are actually good people, rarely does an opportunity come along for students to outwardly showcase that fact. However, the presence of a blood drive, election, and bone marrow donor registration drive provided students with the rare opportunity to prove to everyone they see that they are willing to put forth at least minimal effort to make the world a better place.

Harrison Frazier ’12 was excited to let people know that, on a seemingly ordinary Tuesday, he saved upwards of four lives and exercised his constitutional right, “I can only wear my DREAM shirt so many days of the week so I need other ways to show girls that I'm sensitive and care about other people and shit like that.”

~*~*~*FALL FASHION UPDATE*~*~*~

As the only woman writing for a virulently sexist publication, I have rightfully been assigned the task of researching all of fall’s most exciting new fashions! Even though fall term is well underway and we’ve already seen snow (or read about it on other people’s Facebook statuses), don’t break out that sleeping bag with sleeves you call a coat just yet! Because new fall fashion trends are still on the rise.

'14 Wins Game of Pong, Becomes Insufferable Douche

After having been told by several upperclassmen frat bros at dimensions that pong skill was the key to "women, social capital and corporate recruitment", Alex Straus '14 was determined to take his game to the next level.

He spent his summer training intensely, playing "hydropong" for hours by himself, and used up most of orientation watching pong games absorbedly while jotting notes in a spiral notebook.

‘11s Fearing Impending End of Relevance*

Senior year has only barely just begun, and seniors are already starting to fear for the end of their relevancy on campus. We saw it happen to the ‘08s. And then the ‘09s. And most recently, the ‘10s. They became irrelevant long before they graduated.

It starts with social apathy. Seniors become too tired and bitter to go out on a regular basis. Or on any basis. Seniors hang out at off-campus houses. If they do make it out to the frats, they beeline for a brother’s room and hang out upstairs all night, unable to handle the crowds and the noise of the basement or even the first floor. Seniors become socially irrelevant.

Jack Stinson Ball-Taps Nick Giaccone for “Messing with his Livelihood”

Jack Stinson and Hanover Police Chief Nick Giaccone have been beefing ever since Stinson made Giaccone eat a worm in the 3rd grade after convincing him that it would taste good. That incident started a decade of bullying, where Stinson would hurt and publicly humiliate Giaccone, with the latter powerless to stop him. For decades, Giaccone has been working to get back at Stinson, although all efforts have failed. In a last-ditch effort, Giaccone entered the Police Academy, and enjoyed a meteoric rise to success in the vast Hanover Police Department. This put Giaccone in a unique position to deal Stinson a fatal blow.

Group of Upperclassmen Works to “Improve” Freshman Experience

The typical freshmen FoCo runway experience of being judged at the hands of upperclassmen, who often judge freshmen and occasionally mutter, “don’t trip” and “worst class ever,” may be too intimidating for some, according to a group of upperclassmen currently trying to abolish the FoCo runway altogether or at least make it a more positive environment for first-year students.

Alicia Roth ’13, who is leading the group, explained to the Dunyun the roots of her cause, “Last fall I was carrying a full tray of food down the FoCo runway and I tripped on a backpack. I fell down, spilling the food, and a few upperclassmen shouted, “worst class ever” and “pick up the food.” It was traumatizing.”

President Kim Sends an Honest Blitz to Campus

Today, this happened. Or it might as well have.

14s Finally Starting to Realize their Trip Leaders’ Flaws

Since the end of trips, many trip leaders have fostered their trippees affection through mediums such as getting them on table that one time, dispensing moderately helpful course advice and giving them one of the five beers available at TDX. However, after over a month of adoration and hero worship by hundreds of ‘14s, trip leaders across campus are starting to lose their all-knowing, flawless status in the eyes of their trippees.

No ‘14s whom the Dunyun interviewed could pinpoint where their adoration for their trip leaders came from, but psychology professor Robert Stursberg compared it to the attachment of a nursing baby to its mother or a hostage to its captors in a related condition known as Stockholm Syndrome.

Vox Querentis: Facebook is the Best!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Finally, someone has given me a platform to state my feelings about Facebook to a whole bunch of people! I almost didn’t get this chance but then the Dunyun told me they had nothing to publish today, and they follow a strict “no sober after sundown” policy so none of them are available. Anyway, I think I’m pretty funny. The funniest thing I do is spell plural words with z’s instead of s’s—that’s always a hit on the net. I get a lot of likes on B@B with that move. But the Dunyun told me that’s why I never had a date to prom and get bumped from Homeplate tables regularly, so I guess I’m not allowed to do that here. But oh well, this makes me a campus celeb right? I think I know a lot of people. I was proactive by friending them all last summer before freshman year started. People like that! When you show personal interest in them. Facebook is such a great way to meet people and let them look at pictures of you! I make sure never to forget my camera whenever I go out and me and my girls are just crazy. We love dance parties! My favorite part about Facebook is looking at people who are at dance parties. It doesn’t matter if I don’t go myself because that way my shoes stay nice and clean. Who wants to spend an extra thirteen dollars at Kohl’s the next time they go anyway? Not moi! LOL (can I say that here if I don’t use the z?)

“Cactus Project” Encourages Male Students to Get Better Acquianted with their Taint

On Monday, mirrors were distributed to the 1,769 males on campus this term. The mirrors were distributed as part of the “Cactus Project”, a program sponsored by the Inter-Fraternity Council that seeks to help campus men get better acquainted with their taint, also known as a grundle in common parlance. For those readers who are unaware, the taint is the region in between the scrotum and the anus. Reactions to the project have been mixed.

Breaking: The Dunyun Isn’t Funny Anymore

Today, the Dunyun investigates itself, as numerous reports continue pouring in from anonymous tipsters that the Dunyun is no longer funny. The shift from “funny” to “unfunny” appears to have taken place gradually over the past ten months, deteriorating at roughly the same rate as Bored at Baker’s popularity, the percentage of 14s who are virgins, your optimism about your future, and Nick Giacconne’s self esteem. By our calculations, the shift to “unfunny” was most clearly realized over the summer, which is possibly related to the fact that internships kill all joy and laughter, and Stephen and Frannie blacked out for three months.

Football Team Uses Study Hall as a Tactic to Ease the Curve

The football team has troubles with academics. Everybody knows that. And so, in an effort to improve the academic performance of the team, head coach Buddy Teevens ’79 instituted “Study Hall”, a time in which the entire football team must be at the library. The motives behind this decision are not what they would appear, however. On the surface, it would seem that Teevens instituted this policy in order to encourage his players to study. In fact, the team comes to the library during peak study hours in order to talk loudly and distract the rest of the student body, thereby easing the curve and indirectly aiding the academic performance of the team.

Sorority Rush Indicates Lack of Hierarchy Among Sororities

After the dust settled on Fall 2010’s sorority rush, one thing was very clear: the hierarchy of sororities is no longer relevant. Any girls who were disappointed in the house in which they were placed were disappointed for very sophisticated reasons like the character of the girls in the house, and definitely nothing to do with socially perceived “coolness”. Kappa Kappa Gamma and Kappa Delta Epsilon sororities, historically top of the social heap, were happy to see the hierarchy system done away with.

“There’s no need to ‘win rush’,” said Hilary Rogers ’11, Kappa’s rush chair. “We’re happy to get a good group of girls, and hope that other houses have equal success. The sorority system is definitely not about winning anything. It’s about engendering lifelong friendships with a group of women.”

Campus Perplexed by Sudden Appearance of Attractive ’13 Girls

 In the past week, males across campus have been pleasantly surprised by the sudden appearance of attractive females, especially among the class of 2013.

Kendrick Monroe ’13 explained his exposure to the phenomenon, “Ya I saw a lot of hot ’13s last fall and a couple weekends in the spring but it’s like they just disappeared or something. Then last Saturday they decided to show back up again. I don’t even know where they came from but they were being herded around and were looking fucking good.”

VOX QUERENTIS “Fraternity Deliberations”

In response to yesterday’s letter from Frannie Mays ’11 (Vox Querentis: Sorority Deliberations), I would like to make a case for why John Q. Dude ’13 should be in our house.

Hey, shut the fuck up! I’m trying to talk!

Vox Querentis

The Dunyun is pushing its first birthday, and as a growing baby boy (let’s face it, the Dunyun probably has a dick), it needs to expand its horizons, push its own boundaries, and generally learn how to be more strategically lazy. Thus, we bring you the all-new Dunyun Opinion section, Vox Querentis: The Voice of One Complaining. Think of it like the opinion section of the D, except intentionally funny.

A Day Off

Today, the Greek system has swallowed the lives of all the Dunyun writers. We'll be back soon, we swear!

Until then, here's a thought to tide you over:

If a quiz is quizzical, then what's a test?

Administration Threatens Spoiled Students with More Renovations

Following the punishing renovations to Thayer (never forget) this summer, which widely expanded the dining hall inward, students fret the administration may enact further renovations if we continue to take our spoiling for granted. Several sources closely involved with administrative decisions confirm that these extensive renovations have been part of a concerted effort to minimize students’ unfounded sense of entitlement to dining and living spaces that generally leave room for personal space and that don’t look like the inside of a hospital.

Faulty Paddles Responsible for Pong Loss

Clarence Macalester ’14 was incredibly excited for his first game of pong. After a month of timidly asking line and constantly berating his trip leader, a member of Alpha Delta fraternity, with blitzes, his trip leader finally relented.

However, Macalester’s first pong game did not go as planned. He explained the source of his problems, “There was definitely something wrong with my paddle. I kept returning my trip leader’s shots the same way but the ball was going all over the place. Sometimes it would go way left, sometimes right. My stroke wasn’t changing so it must have been the paddle; could’ve had something to do with the sandpaper shit on it, who uses that?”

13’s Insecurities Easier than Ever to Manipulate

In the week leading up to rush, ‘13s insecurities surrounding getting into their top houses have reached a crescendo. Although mainly affecting girls, who essentially have no control over rush, almost no ’13s are immune from these feelings of anxiety. Upperclassmen have taken notice.

Josh Johnson ’11 explained his experiences with increased insecurity among ‘13s, “I just have to tell a girl that I ‘have a lot of friends in KDE’ and she immediately starts trying to impress me, layup city.”

Alex Nichols ’11 took this strategy a step farther, “I just tell girls that I have a list of ‘Cool ’13 Girls’ and a list of ‘Shitty ’13 Girls’ that I'm going to send to all my friends in sororities. Sometimes I have to add in ‘You know which list I want you to get on’ but usually knows what I'm getting after.”

The Dunyun Celebrates Its 169th Article

I'm honored that the Dunyun Staff has selected me to write this momentous article and I'd like it to serve as a celebration of the past 10 months of writing. The Dunyun has changed many of our lives and I'd like to hear from the Dunyun community about "what the Dunyun means to you."

Jim Kim's secretary was the first to get back to me and el Presidente said, "I enjoy this student organization. I enjoy any time students work together, take steps together and join forces together. That's how we're going to save the world. One step at a time. Together."

A Theta Delt '11 shot back a very brief reply, "Fuck The Dunyun."

Anonymous Song Angers Campus with its Jarring Instrumentals and Auto-Tune

Early last week, an anonymous Gmail account with the handle “Expecto Petronus” [sic] sent out a song titled “Out of Control” to the Classes of 2014, 2013, and 2012 (seniors are already that irrelevant, huh?). The song, which featured original instrumentals and Auto-Tune to cover up the voice of the singer, featured lyrics with some political message that had to do with something or other. Maybe something about blowjobs? Who knows. The song, which has been forwarded to almost every undergraduate on campus, has universally angered the student population. Why? The instrumentals and the Auto-Tune really suck.

Career Fair Gives Undergraduates a Chance to Practice Real-World Skills

The recent “Employer Connections” fair, hosted annually by Career Services, brought a variety of employers from such diverse fields as finance, consulting, finance, consulting, and Teach for America to Alumni Hall so that students could learn more about the companies and practice skills that they will need in the real world. These skills include fellatio, female fellatio (I feel like there’s a word for this…), pretending to care, coming to terms with that creeper who still exists even though s/he graduated, and nodding your head. These skills will be absolutely necessary when interviews and corporate recruiting come around, but for now, it’s just practice.

“My figurative fellatio skills were completely off,” said Robert Richman ’11, who attempted figurative fellatio on seven consulting firms and nineteen finance firms. “I was just figuratively fellating with my mouth, telling them how great their company was. I should have been figuratively fellating with my hands as well, gesticulating about the wonders of their industry. Gotta remember the hands in the future.”

Tom Dent '41 Dies at 90; Still Cares About Trivial Disagreement in College

Celebrated Dartmouth alumnus Tom Dent ’41 passed away early Monday morning at the age of 90. In the wake of his death, his loved ones and we as a community cherish the memory of a courageous man who was never afraid to tackle issues of minor inconvenience, no matter how temporary and ultimately meaningless they might be. Despite the many important events of his life, including witnessing the bombing of Dresden as a soldier during WWII and once going over Niagara Falls in a wooden barrel, he never forgot about one trivial injustice that once befell him at age twenty-one.

"Emory Hires Ring of Korean Spies in Attempt to Crack U.S. News Top 10"

In the wake of a year in which Emory fell to twentieth in the U.S. News & World Report college rankings, Emory president James Wagner decided to take a new approach to “playing the ratings game.”

Instead of toying with students to faculty ratios or sending out more mailings to high school juniors, he decided the best approach was to take an in depth look at college in the top ten to see what Emory was doing wrong. He decided to do this in the most inconspicuous way possible, sending a ring of Korean spies posing as a “documentary” crew to report on Dartmouth.

Professor Uses T-Shirt Cannon to Encourage Attendance in Large Classes

For years, Dartmouth professors have faced the dilemma of getting students to actually come to class. With lectures posted online and participation grades that are largely composed of whether you went to office hours that one time, students often have little motivation to roll out of bed for that 9, 10 or 2A. However, Bio 11 professor Harrison Frazier recently instituted a policy capable of motivating students in a way that $40,000 in tuition never could. 

Frazier developed his revolutionary idea while at a minor league baseball game over the summer, “I initially thought we could have dollar beer day but then I realized freshmen would never pay for beer at Dartmouth, especially a dollar. Then it hit me: T-Shirt Cannon.”

President Kim Drunk Blitzes Entire Campus; Feels Shame

Dartmouth College president Jim Kim woke up Sunday morning with a terrible headache and a Blitzmail inbox full of responses with the subject line “Re: Thank You.” Kim immediately knew he had made a terrible mistake. Following the football team’s thrilling and once-in-a-lifetime victory against football powerhouse Sacred Heart, Kim could no longer contain his excitement, raging harder than an alum during senior week. In a state of deep inebriation and struck by sudden sentimental drunk appreciation for a school where alcohol flows so freely, Kim abused his ability to send a campus-wide blitz within a matter of seconds by sending the following blitz:

Freshman Refuses To Stop Participating In Class

Jessica Del Monico was the valedictorian of Winchester High School, an AP scholar with distinction who created 9 soup kitchens. She applied to Dartmouth College with a moving essay about growing up Southern Italian in a predominantly Northern Italian Greenwich neighborhood and gained admission.

She had sat-in on a few classes over Dimensions and told Dunyun reporters, "Not gonna lie, they weren't that hard. I had read a few books on the subjects and it was pretty easy to comment. It's too bad I'm missing the midterm tomorrow."

Now Del Monico's a full-on student in her freshmen fall and The Dunyun shadowed her first few days of classes.

She attended every class, sat in the front row each time and according to Dunyun insiders, raised her hand 4-5 times each class.

David Deal '11 noted, "Yeah this freakin' freshmen girl will not shut up in my Psych class. How could you have so many questions about the syllabus? You just read it."

‘11s Too Tired to Make Snide Remarks about Croo Hair

The Class of 2011 is just, well… tired. We’ve been here for three years, seeing all the issues, having all the conversations. And, you know, like, we’ve seen it all. And heard it all. And some of it we just don’t want to do again. So we just can’t have the same conversation about Croo hair again. It’s even more tired than we are.

Every fall, a group of facetimey individuals returns to campus rocking tie-dyed hair. And every fall, other students feel the need to make snide remarks about how obnoxious it is to have hair like that, and yeah, we get it, you were on a Croo, and no, that isn’t a hint of jealousy in my voice. But now, man, we’re just too tired to rip on Croo people more.

Choice of Smoothie over Diet Coke Cements Healthy Collis Meal

As her yearlong quest to gain a bid to a top sorority draws to a close, Kelly Gambles ’13 thought it would be a good idea to “slim down a little” so that she could once again “fit into those three perfect dresses for rush,” which she picked out last December.

Gambles took a huge step towards achieving this goal while eating lunch at Collis Café when she decided to skip over her customary Diet Coke and instead opted for a much healthier option, a smoothie. Gambles explained her reasoning, “I’ve really been taking extra steps to be healthier. I get a smoothie with every meal now. They’re mostly fruit so you know they’re healthy. I also get half egg whites in my omelet, substitute brown rice on my stir fry and cut out the alfredo sauce on my pasta, that stuff goes straight to your hips. Yesterday I even skipped the pasta during lunch. I think my average Collis meal is around 400 calories.” 

'13 Hires Personal Pledge Trainer to Prepare Him for Grueling Term

    Hank Hendrickson '13 was getting tired of his summer internship, and his focus was quickly shifting to the approaching fall term--the term he plans to pledge one of the fabled Greek houses of Dartmouth. Mr. Hendrickson saw the pledges his freshman fall, wearing silly hats and acting in strange ways, and he yearned to be a part of the process.  What he didn't know, however, was how he was going to handle all the brutal hazing.
  So Hank decided to take the bull by the balls and begin his pledge term early.  He hoped that his experience would put him at an advnatage in the process--his esophagus, and other schpincter muscles, would be prepared.

The Dunyun 102

102 Things to Do before you Graduate

1) Boot.

2) Break up with your boy/girlfriend from home now and save yourself some time.

3) Share personal information with random people in your building during orientation; never speak to them again.

4) Heckle aggressively at a sporting event not conducive to heckling.

5) Argue with a DDS employee about the definition of "stealing."

6) Touch the fire...and by that we mean hook up with a ginger.

7) Leave your 10A to boot in the bathroom.

8) Stacks.

9) Listen to Filligar.

10) Sit in a chemistry exam. Midway through, tear up your exam and run out yelling "Fuck it, I don't want to be a doctor."

11) Goodsam that trippee who pretends they don't recognize you.

12) Get hit with a frisbee while walking through Collis.

13) Apologize for partying.

14) Make fun of someone for being on Dimensions or a Croo.

15) Hook up with a mistake.

16) Be somebody else's mistake.

17) Spend hours picking your classes freshmen fall. End up taking Econ 1, Psych 1 and Writing 5.

18) Buy condoms from a vending machine.

19) Spike the tea at Sanborn.

20) Donate blood instead of pregaming.

21) Take the Baker-Berry bathroom tour.

22) Join an a capella group (just kidding).

23) Send a blitz that ignites a campus-wide controversy.

24) Smoke a joint with the Robert Frost statue.

25) Invent fake reasons to apply for interim housing, like "The Brovertones."

26) Get a boner dancing the Salty Dog Rag. Tuck it.

27) Watch longingly with an arm outstretched while watching the 4 brothers behind the bar chug beers.

28) Talk about how much you hate Theta Delt.

29) Go there anyways.

30) Get Collis Ray to be the godfather of your kids.

31) BEMA.

32) Subscribe to the Daily Dunyun.

33) Lower your standards.

34) Get a slice of pizza from your floor meeting, then leave.

35) Reply-all. We care what you have to say. We really do.

36) Sit down with Tuckies in Byrne and start complaining about the economy.

37) Befriend Jim Gusanoz. Do it.

38) Become a drug dealer (please?)

39) Top of the Hop.

40) Fall on your ass on the ice and fight back the tears, but it hurts so much!

41) Go to Hanover High prom.

42) Attempt to convert somebody to the sexual preference required to hook up with you.

43) Spend hours, days, weeks talking with your buddies about block-rushing Zete and totally "running shit" from Day 1. All shake-out AD.

44) Pick a side in the Arab-Israeli conflict by favoring one side of the Pavilion.

45) Pressure a sober kid into driving you to Fort Lou's.

46) Fart while receiving oral sex.

47) Tell your friends from home that Dr. Seuss went here.

48) Try to rent porn from Jones Media Center.

49) The Green.

50) Go through rush and corporate recruiting "just to see." Then join a house and take that job offer.

51) Get yelled at by your mom for cutting the sleeves off all your shirts.

52) Wait out a line of five.

53) Invent illnesses to tell professors. We recommend diarrhea; they won't ask any more questions.

54) Struggle when the grill guy asks you for the "magic word." Hint: It's fucking please.

55) Take a nap.

56) Realize that a dance-floor makeout means nothing. Suddenly feel inadequate.

57) Take a professor out to lunch and hit on him/her.

58) Pretend you got mono from hooking up. Just pong.

59) Hone your stalking skills: DND, Facebook, Dartmouthsports.com.

60) Criticize Keystone, keep drinking.

61) Take a shit on top of Mt. Moosilauke.

62) Get fat.

63) Listen to sex noises from a back room.

64) Hope it snows...and by that we mean hope that a new cocaine shipment arrives in Hanover.

65) Spend more time calculating what grade you need to hit your NRO than studying.

66) Lower your standards...significantly.

67) Send a morning-after blitz.

68) Don't send a morning-after blitz.

69) Pretend you've never heard of cantaloupe. We just think that would be funny.

70) Search your name on Bored at Baker. Realize you accidentally submitted your name. FUCK.

71) 50 Yard Line.

72) Try to get a sandwich named after you at the Hop. Fail. You're no Billy Bob.

73) Knock over cups on a throw save. Don't offer to help clean it up.

74) Steal a black northface when you're drunk. Keep it in case someone steals your bike and you need to offer a reward.

75) Leave your mark on campus by excreting some sort of bodily fluid onto the Sphinx.

76) Request "The Thong Song" from the belltower.

77) Wake up when it's already dark outside.

78) Black in at Club Electra.

79) Repair the Green Print and be a hero for 10 minutes.

80) Steps of Dartmouth Hall.

81) Upper deck a Psi U toilet. Fuck those guys.

82) Figure it's time you settle down and start looking for a relationship. Hook up with that freshman.

83) Pick up the D, read the Overheards, don't forget to recycle.

84) Poach someone else's EBAs.

85) Make better friends from Diversions than DOC.

86) Pose nude for Joseph Mehling '69 a la Kate Winslet in Titanic.

87) Fellate a professor during office hoursíƒ∂metaphorically.

88) Get treated for Swine Flu at Dick's House with a cherry-flavored popsicle. Feel better.

89) Get upset when someone steals your stolen bike from FoCo.

90) Abandon your standards.

91) Wake up in a someone else's bed...without their knowledge or permission.

92) Take advantage of someone for their room draw number.

93) President's Lawn.

94) Join the ten-foot-high club on the Dartmouth Coach.

95) Get COSO funding for a totally bullshit club, such as "Dartmouth Students for the Acceptance of 3rd Nipples," "Dartmouth Fights Tooth Plaque," or "the Brovertones"

96) Crush some freshmen in pong, win by 2 fulls.

97) Steal a composite. Paste a picture of your family inside. Return.

98) Go to the apple orchard/Derby/polar bear swim and think only about taking pictures for Facebook.

99) Hate everyone.

100) Confuse Advance Transit with the AT. Congratulate yourself on completing the AT when you get let off at the Hop.

101) Squander opportunities you don't deserve in the first place.

102) Rally.

Elusive Commodity Known as “Social Capital” Revealed to be Primary Factor in Rush Process

In a controversial document leaked from the Greek Leadership Council yesterday, the long-guarded secrets of the inner workings of the sorority and fraternity rush process were revealed, leading many students to respond with shock and outrage. Though most people were aware that some combination of many complex factors come into play in order to properly categorize men and women into houses based on vague stereotypes such as stoners, WASPs, and assholes, no one was prepared to learn that there is only one distinct factor that matters: social capital.

Seniors Stop Pursuing Hook-Ups, Start Pursuing Spouses

As the class of 2011 enters their final three terms at Dartmouth, many have begun to more closely examine the men and women of their Dartmouth experience.

Mike "The Hallucination" McDonough '11 told The Dunyun, "Now, I've gotten the decade, the seven and the freshmen fifteen done. But man, it seems like every alumni met his/her spouse at Dartmouth. Straight from the DOC to the Chapel. Maybe I should start calling smushes back. I don't want to miss out on a wifey. If it don't smell bad, you might as well keep it. Right?"

Some seniors have resisted this revelation that they may have already met/smushed with their future spouse.

Nicole "Pookie" Steinberg '11 complained, "This is ridiculous. I know, let me tell you, I know for a fact that I've not met no husband. Just a bunch of pale, lanky grenades."

DOC to Add “Eat & Nap” to Next Year’s Trips Selection

Continuing their drive to get 100% of incoming freshmen to partake in the first year DOC trips program, the trips directorate voted on Thursday to establish “Eat & Nap” as an option for the next incoming class on trips. Eat & Nap edged out Competitive Eating, which several members of the directorate deemed too strenuous for the trippees that they are trying to attract.

Although 96% of the class of 2014 participated in the trips program, the main reasons given by the remaining four percent for not taking part included “being outside” and “physical activity.” Eat & Nap goes further than even the DOC’s most spirited past attempts to alleviate these concerns.

Freshmen Girls don’t yet Realize College isn’t like the Movies, Put out

Last night, over five hundred eighteen-year-old girls were unleashed on Dartmouth’s campus. These girls are the smartest bunch of incoming freshmen that the College has ever seen, ranging from one-man types fresh from high school romances to schoolgirls ready to shake off the confines of small-town America. No matter who the girl is, however, there is one thing she hasn’t yet realized: college isn’t exactly like the movies. Because they haven’t realized this, last night, more girls in the ’14 class put out in one night than will again for the rest of college. Campus men rejoiced.

Goldman Sachs Puzzled by Lack of Response to ‘Exciting Job Offer for Students’

Human resources officers at Goldman Sachs, a leading global investment bank, have been baffled by the lack of interest in a series of recruiting emails, which they have been sending to Dartmouth Students throughout the summer. Instead of an impersonal resume submission through DartBoard, Goldman recruiters attempted to take advantage of Dartmouth's unique blitz culture and make the process more personal by sending emails to each student. Although they have sent emails to students with subjects such as “Exciting Job for Dartmouth Students” and “Cool Student Job Opportunity!!!”, applications to Goldman Sachs are down 98% from last year.

Masters Victors Powered by Secret Source of Energy and Confidence

"Cocaine's a helluva drug." Rick James

Nobody could understand the phenomenon. On Saturday, both teams from Sigma Alpha Epsilon fraternity made it to the finals of Masters, an annual pong tournament between fraternities. SAE, which is not normally known for its athleticism or success, does have one thing on its side: some kind of secret shared between the brothers that allows its members to feel and act differently than the opponents.

Computing Services Announces Some Technicalities of Email Client Shift, Fails to Address the Future of Flitzing

In a move widely recognized as the largest cultural shift to Dartmouth since coeducation, Computing Services announced today that it will replace the 20+-year-old proprietary email client, BlitzMail, with a brand-new Microsoft prototype email client. The email, which was sent to all students, faculty, and staff, contained such unimportant details as the timeline for the transition, a conspicuously vague reference to the reasons for the choice of Microsoft over Google, and offers for help for those struggling with the transition. The email did not, however, address the only thing that students care about: the future of flitzing.

“13s Unsure how to Manflirt over the Summer”

Many male members of the Class of 2013 have encountered problems this summer keeping up their desired levels of manflirting, which reached startling levels in the winter and spring. Manflirting is a staple of freshman year due to Dartmouth’s unique rush calendar. However, most aspiring bros refer to it by euphemisms such as “hanging out” or “getting to know brothers” in order to distance themselves from the more often criticized girlflirting.

Many ‘13s were worried about their loss of prime manflirting time over the summer. While some solved this problem by simply staying on campus over the summer, Jacob Taylor ’13 was worried about being classified as “that guy” and decided that it would be more practical maximize his manflirting by “just visiting for a few weekends, you know, when I’m in the area. The ‘12s will definitely be excited to see a ’13 around.”

Real World "Full of Caspers"

“Who you gonna call? Ghostbusters!”

Jack Rapaport ’11 is the discoverer of a phenomenon. In the library, in the dining halls, and in humanities classes, there are caspers. Caspers, according to Rapaport, are “girls who you see around and who seem really cute and cool and great and haven’t hooked up with any of your friends, but are nowhere to be seen on a Friday night. On a Friday night, they might as well be ghosts.” Since his discovery of this phenomenon, Rapaport has declared himself a “ghostbuster”, a man who finds these ghosts and “takes them down.” Ever since starting his internship in New York City, though, Rapaport has found that the real world is more “full of caspers” than he could possibly have dreamed.

’13s Gain Valuable Experience From Internships

Andrew Kartsonis ’13 was excited to tell his friends that he had landed a prestigious, highly sought-after summer internship at Morgan Stanley this summer. After spending all year learning about abstract concepts such as supply and demand and GDP, Kartsonis finally got to gain some more practical skills. Best of all, this internship was located right in his hometown of Toledo, OH.

He explained how this internship was preparing him for life after college, “I’ve only been here three weeks but I’m already ‘getting my hands dirty’ and learning all the skills I need to succeed. And to think that last year I though Excel and PowerPoint were just for middle school science presentations. Thus far I haven't actually found any other skills that you need to make it in finance.”

Working at a Kosher Foods Emporium Guarantees Action; Trend Sweeps New York

A startling trend is overtaking cities across the Eastern Seaboard, especially the City of New York. Neil Strauss, author of The Game: Penetrating the Secret Society of Pickup Artists, has called it “the most guaranteed way to get ass since the invention of the boy band.” “The Move,” as some bystanders have come to call it, is simply to go up to a girl and, in casual conversation, mention that you work at a Kosher Foods Emporium. This works best if you mention that you work specifically at Goldman Snacks Kosher Foods Emporium. Other Kosher Foods Emporiums that will guarantee action with a mention are Morgan Stanley’s Flatbread and Jacob P. Morgan’s Brisket Bank.

13s Try to Explain Pong to Friends at Home, Fail Miserably

Across America, ‘13s are experiencing their first prolonged time away from Hanover and are wondering how they ever lived in their hometowns. This transition away from Hanover has been difficult for many ‘13s. Chris Hampson ’13 unfortunately learned the hard way that crossing in the middle of the street in New York City is met with more than an awkward glance and wave. After finishing a project for his internship, David Justice ‘13 headed down to his basement to “hang out.” However, he was greeted with only stacks of boxes and a single hanging light bulb. Undaunted, he urinated in the corner.

To remedy this situation, many ‘13s have attempted to introduce aspects of Dartmouth into their home lives. ‘13s have accomplished this in different ways. Stacey Jackson ‘13, upon her arrival back home, began to only listen to Filligar and classify everything in her hometown as either a-side or b-side (mostly b-side). To ease the transition from DDS, John Stiefel ‘13 began to only pay food with his debit card and leave excessive tips to make the prices more “realistic.” 

Reason Behind Commencement Speaker Revealed

In the wake of the commencement speech by Stephen Lewis in which he revealed that he had indeed not cured cancer, starred in a major motion picture or secretly led a country, the college was forced to admit the real reason that he was chosen to give this year’s commencement address. Associate Dean Miranda Harris explained that Lewis was chosen simply because, “It would’ve been weird to have Jim Kim speak at his own college’s graduation.”

According to Harris, Jim Yong Kim was lined up to deliver a speech at the 2010 commencement about his revolutionary AIDS work as far back as two years ago. However, he was named president of Dartmouth College, putting the search committee in an awkward situation. Allen Todd, the chairman of the committee, explained, “We still wanted the speech to be about Jim Kim’s accomplishments but we couldn’t have Kim actually deliver the speech.”

Publication Ceased Until Summer Term

This will be the last issue of the Dunyun until summer term when we will be replacing the Daily Dunyun with the Irregular Dunyun. We leave you with some inspiration on how to spend your summer term, our plans, and a final article.

James Engle '11 wanted to be original in his summer plans, so he decided to take an internship in New York City. The thing that he can't wait for more than anything else is to go out to bars and hear his finance friends talk about how much work they have, and how much money they have. But how it's justified that they have so much money, because they have so much work. And how the hours really aren't that bad, once you get used to them. He hopes to avoid the asshole virus by washing his hands after every time he touches somebody wearing a suit.

Frannie Mays '11 will be tripping balls on 5-hour energy at all times, looking for ways to make bitchery profitable as it is her only usable skill (internship with Omarosa?), and reuniting with Waffle House. She will also be terrorizing our youth in the sweltering heat of the tobacco industry hellhole known as Durham, NC. She will hit bull and win a steak. She regrets to inform you she is unavailable for 10X booty calls.

Stephen Briggs '12 is returning to the birthplace of Jon Bon Jovi for a fortnight, politely asking his Grandmother to remove sleeves from all his shirts and then returning to the Bubble for 10X. Briggs is currently holding one class, Astro 4: Staring Down Stars but may take more! He hopes to finally learn how to swim this Summer, discover where Hillel is (but still not stop by for Shabbot, sorry Grandma) and pick a perfect Masters bracket (July Madness). Oh yeah and frat frat frat.

Jayson Doubleday '13 will be trying to learn how to correctly use blitz and waiting to steal blitz nicknames currently belonging to ‘10s over interim. He is returning to the largest city in America (land wise), where he will be napping competitively and looking for a new pickup line since "I write for the Dunyun" is unlikely to work. In his free time, he is making up for 19 years of light to moderate physical activity by doing calisthenics, running and wearing lax pinnies so that he can impress '14s on his DOC trip next fall. Go Braves.

Students Fight for Facetime During Finals

 Across campus, students have been struggling to find a balance between getting their daily dose of facetime with the need to write papers and study for exams. Since, as Julia Levenson ’11 admitted, “no one has ever gotten anything done in Novack or on FFB,” students have been forced to retreat to other areas of the library to actually be productive.

However, this has not deterred most students from seeking out the facetime that they deem necessary. Mika Kelly ’11 was forced from her usual spot at a computer on First Floor Berry to the sixth floor stacks to write a 20-page paper for PHIL 23: Bullshitting. Since she was unable to get her usual amount of facetime in the stacks, she compensated by, “making a ‘facetime lap’ through 3rd, 2nd and 1st floor Berry plus Novack after each page I write. It’s not ideal but it get’s the job done. I make sure to talk obnoxiously loud to at least one person on each floor so I get noticed.”

Student Watches Everything on YouTube

Greg McMichael ’10 gained room-wide attention today when he reportedly accomplished the feat of having watched every single video on YouTube. Widespread student reaction to this news (reported here first) is “That’s stupid and not possible,” but sources confirm that as of 4 p.m. he could not find a single clip of a kitten and puppy snuggling or a fat person falling down that he didn’t already know like the back of his hand. Witnesses report that upon realizing he had exhausted all time-wasting options in video format, he instantly went into a state of panic in the middle of the Periodicals, screaming, “I CAN’T go back to Robot Unicorn Attack!”

Berry Sees Series of Strange Disappearances

This week has seen a string of strange disappearances from the study areas of Berry Library. As students descended on the library for reading period, they were met with only empty tables and vacant study carrels. Although these study areas were filled with books, backpacks and various empty Vitamin Water bottles, the owners of these belongings were nowhere to be found.

S&S and HPo are working together to apprehend this “Berry Snatcher” but thus far their efforts have been hampered by the victims’ nonchalance about their disappearances. They have been tracking the snatcher for years and, judging by past years, they are expecting him to become very active as exams approach.

HPo to Launch “Icing” Sting Operations

During a tense meeting Monday evening, Hanover Police Chief Nicholas Giaccone announced plans to “curb dangerous drinking by the students of Dartmouth College. And also the citizens of Hanover.” The new plan, nicknamed “Operation Frobro”, is in response to the new campus trend of “icing”, which Giaccone called “literally the most alarming threat facing Hanover.” 

Icing has become a popular trend among “bros” on campus. It consists of one bro presenting another bro with a Smirnoff Ice. Regardless of location, the receiving bro must drop to one knee and chug the ice on the spot. Getting iced in a public place, such as first floor Berry or Novack, has become a way to secure “bro” status. 

Giaccone announced that the police department would use undercover “Ice Operatives”, dressed as bros, who would offer Smirnoff Ice to students in creative ways in an attempt to “ice” them. The methods could vary from handing the Ice to the student to slipping it in the student’s backpack when he is not paying attention to putting it in a vending machine. If the student accepted the ice, regardless of method used, the undercover officer would promptly arrest the student and fine him $25,000 plus roughly $1.30 to cover the cost of the ice.

SLEEVE MONSTER APPREHENDED BY HANOVER POLICE

Around 2 p.m. on Sunday, Hanover Police apprehended “The Sleeve Monster”, a humanoid being whose official name is unknown. The Sleeve Monster was spotted at the Chiddy Bang concert in the grassy knoll between Kemeny Hall and Berry Library by a ’12 female who wished to remain anonymous, due to the sensitive nature of the information. The Sleeve Monster, who is most active during the fall term—the typical “pledge” term—and during Sophomore Summer, was expected to commit a string of crimes at fraternity bequests this coming week. The modus operandi for which the Sleeve Monster has become known is to sneak up on unsuspecting males, usually affiliated with a single-sex Greek organization, and snatch the sleeves off of their T-shirts and sweatshirts, leaving them sleeveless and alone.

Student Develops Social Life iPhone App

Steve Sweeney ’10 unveiled his thesis project in front of a packed auditorium in Thayer Thursday evening. After a week of sending out self-call blitzes explaining how much time he spent in the library and reminding everyone how good a student he is because he wrote a thesis, Sweeney unveiled his thesis project, a new iPhone app.

The app, Hand2Face, is a carefully crafted to help manage social lives and conversation for students who are too busy on their iPhone to pay attention to their friends who are usually in their direct vicinity and trying to engage them in conversation. The product mission states, “to eliminate all douchiness associated with using an iPhone in social spaces.” 

Dear Stephen

Dear Stephen,

As a rookie at Dartmouth, I just realized that my DBA doesn't roll over this summer. I currently have $762.38 in FoCo and $42.99 on the Topside. What would you say are the best ways to spend this?

Never Hungry,

Frankie Fresh '13

Letter to the Editor

Anonymous said...

I like how AD was the frat that held the forum but Phi Delt is the subject of the article. It seems the Dunyun has tarnished its previously sterling reputation as an unbiased source of news. I'm guessing 80% of the Dunyun writers are AD's anyways.

-http://www.thedunyun.com/2010/05/forum-fixes-everything.html#comments

Dear Halfwit:

Forum Fixes Everything

Larson Waters ’11 never thought he’d be accused of being a racist. But that is exactly what his critics were calling him on Thursday, after he painted an offensive mural on the side of the Collis Café and signed it with his fraternity’s Greek letters, Phi Delta Alpha. The mural depicted a scene resembling slavery, which Waters insisted was merely a reference to his fraternity’s pledge term. He knew that he had to act fast to prevent Phi Delt’s sterling reputation from being tarnished. After talking to his parents on the phone that night, he came up with the idea of holding a forum.

’13s Attempt to Secure Hookups for Summer

Across campus, 13s have begun to take the first steps to secure steady hookups for the upcoming summer. Regardless of whether this year has been one big dry spell or a steady stream of options, freshmen are making the effort to rekindle old flames and ignite new ones in pursuit of a fruitful off term.

Due to the D-plan’s ability to provide large chunks of time at home when all of your friends are at school and vice versa, most ‘13s haven’t encountered their high school friends since last summer or winter break. This makes it necessary for freshmen to take steps to revive their relationships before leaving Hanover.

'13 Has "Worst Week Ever"

“Life’s a bitch and then you die”

-NAS

Robbie Friedman ’13 has officially completed the documented “worst week ever.” Despite the fact that he is only a freshman, Friedman decided that his week was indeed the consensus “hardest week that anyone has ever had at Dartmouth.” 

Friedman’s roommate Xander Solomon ‘13, a pre-med two-sport athlete taking 4 classes, agreed that Friedman probably had the worst week ever, “I’m not exactly sure what he had going on but from the amount I heard about it, it seemed like he had more to do than any week I’ve ever had to deal with.”

Vanessa Koppel ’13, tried to reach out to Friedman when he seemed stressed earlier in the week. She took a break from studying for her exams in CHEM 12: Weeding Out Freshmen and HIST 95: All of Time to bring him a rice krispie treat from Novack but he just told her to “leave” because “you physically cannot understand what I'm dealing with.”

College to Offer Gold Star to Students Who Graduate Without Taking Gut Classes

One of the constant temptations of Dartmouth is for students to take “gut” classes, i.e. classes with optional attendance and a forgiving curve. Although there are factors that discourage students from taking gut classes, like a conscience and thousands of dollars of wasted tuition, many students still find themselves taking classes such as “WGST 34: Bein’ a Bro”, “NAS 60.1: Nodding Your Head”, and “Astronomy 4: Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star”. Many students who do not indulge in gut classes complain that their GPAs are unfairly punished by taking what they call “real” classes, which have “exams” and “learning” and nonsense like that. To compensate these students for their extra effort, the College will give non-gut graduates a “super-awesome” gold star to make up for the countless extra hours they spent in the library.

Dun-on-Dun with Jim Gusanoz

Hey Jim. How are you today?

What's going on Stephen? Am I taking this to Sphinx again?

Wait, are you serious? I wore a mask at the door.

You call from the same phone every time Briggs. I put it together. What can I get you?

Shit. Actually nothing right now. Can you answer a few questions for The Dunyun?

Not too many. We're getting killed tonight and frickin' Brendan took off without telling anyone. So it's just me driving the Chip Chariot tonight.

How'd you start at Gusanoz?

Well, I grew up in Memphis, Tennessee, homeless, with a drug-addicted mother and absentee father. My size caught the eye of a local football coach who enrolled me in a private Christian school. I struggled with friends but met SJ, a first-grader, who took me under his wing and into his family's home. After some debate about my rough past and ethnicity, they adopted me as a child and pushed me to play football. I eventually got offered a full scholarship to the Ole Miss Rebels. I however chose to work at C & As in Hanover.

The Dunyun's Green Key Lost & Found Update

ITEM W/DESCRIPTION @ LOCATION (DATE) BLITZ

LOST:
Sight of my values @ Gammapalooza (May 14) jesusluvsme
Actual sight @ BG (when was (U++ER again?) n00b
3 pounds of EBA’s weight @ upstairs bathroom of GDX (5/14) twobyfour
Beard (may have gone home with someone else)@ Sig Ep, (5/13) lightintheloafers
Eight games of tree and all dignity @ TDX (5/11) hardguy
3 teeth on the moon bounce @ frat row (5/14) drunkisthenewblack
Birth control pills @ AD, TDX, or Phi Tau?? (5/14) mommy2be
Control of bowel movements @ Convention (5/15) softguy
Track of all-liquid diet @ TDX pig roast (5/14) kappakween
Virginity to every member of Filligar @ AD (5/14) luckygal
Consciousness @ Chi Gam (5/14) 2fast2furious
Baseball signed by “Baby Ruth” behind the Sigma Delt fence (5/13) smalls
$300 in online poker @ Biscoh study lounge (5/13) fadedasfuk
All discretion @ TDX (5/14) dteffortless
My parents’ respect @ Phi Delt lawn party (5/14) itwasbehindatreethough
A bid to every house @ the block party (5/14) itwasbehindatreethough
A pint of blood @ Tri Kap (5/14) stairsaretricky
A bet that I wouldn’t drunk dial my mom again @ Novack (early morning 5/15) schloppy
At least 100 future votes for Senate seat in New England @ the block party (5/14) triplelegacy
An entire car @ ?? (5/13-15) probablydead
.3 GPA points @ BannerStudent transcript (5/15) all-campus listserv

FOUND:
Inner child @ Panarchy Rave (5/15) Xstatic
Actual child @ Panarchy Rave (5/15) maryallen
Fuckbuddy in the Choates @ Tri Kap (5/11) cougar10
16 wallets in various jackets @ TDX (5/14) finderskeepers
Jesus in an upstairs bedroom @ AD (5/14) womandoneright
A reason to break up with boyfriend from home @ AD (5/14) womandoneright
Bicuriosity @ SD (5/14 Cheeseball) AniDiFrancoluvr
My calling as a British noble @ Convention (5/15) Marquee
Nalgene of gin in the back of an ambulance @ DHMC (5/14) stonecoldsteveaustin
The G spot @ the middle of the green (promptly lost again when the Sun God appeared) (5/13) husbandmaterial
An entire car on the front lawn @ 14 Webster Ave. (5/14) PrezKim

Professor Forgets that He Cancelled Class

“Eighty percent of success is showing up.”

-Woody Allen

Jake Nash made his regular commute from Lebanon to Hanover early Friday morning. Like all new professors striving for tenure, he liked to hold office hours before and after his 9L, Socy 23: Motivation and Participation. Even though it’s only his first year as a professor, his class was overfilled. After one term with 19 students and a median grade of an A, enrollment exploded.

After thirty minutes in his office, Nash finished grading his class’ only midterm, a 30 question multiple choice test that was eerily similar to the one administered last term, and headed to Thrilsby 213 for class. However, when he got to the classroom, only 2 students greeted him, one of whom was covered in paint and the other wore only an American flag. Both of them were asleep on the floor and none of them were students in his class. He shook it off since students were usually late but after twenty minutes passed he realized that something was amiss. 

'13s Tweak Personalities for Pre-Rush

The past few weeks have seen sharp shifts in behavior from many ’13s around campus. Although completely unnoticed by a vast majority of the student body, ‘13s have shown strange personality fluctuations, occurring on Saturday or Sunday afternoons and usually coinciding with pre-rush events.

Although it has long been a tradition to completely change personality and wardrobe for fall rush, this class of freshmen has stepped up the personality modifications early in the game.

Dartmouth Females to Look Good for the Second Time This Term

For the first time since the day of the Kentucky Derby, Dartmouth women are expected to look good this coming weekend. After months of witnessing North Face-covered women in Uggs, men on campus were ready this term to return to a campus filled with sundress-wearing girls who spend more than two minutes on their appearance before going out. This, however, was not the case. While men were excited to see women look good at Kappa Delta Epsilon’s Derby party and Alpha Chi Alpha’s Pigstick party, their elation quickly subsided when campus women immediately reverted to wearing sweatpants and putting their hair in ponytails. Theta Delta Chi’s 80s party saw women trade in their sweatpants for Spandex, but also saw them put their ponytails on the side of their heads, which decreases their sex appeal by 43%.

Very Few Deaths at Room Draw This Year

Director of Housing Operations for the Office of Residential Life Rebecca Rothenberg was happy to report this morning that very few deaths were recorded after last night’s room draw. Rothenberg expressed satisfaction with the security measures put in place to minimize the casualty number. “I’d say it was a success, though I do want to stress that the final death tallies aren’t in yet,” she explains. “So I do want people to be prepared in case more bodies are recovered from the scene by the end of the day.” So far, Rothenberg assures us, no victims have been identified who didn’t “clearly have it coming.”

Dear Stephen

Dear Stephen,

I'm really excited for Green Key but I'm worried about navigating the Green scene. You're in my 'stronomy class and we crushed that Where's Pluto? Lab together, so hopefully you remember me. But what goes down this weekend?

I'm bringing like 8 friends up from home. I know there are mad alumni but you think we'll be able to get some pong in? Oh and dude, is there anyway you could swing by Stan and Son's and snag me a 30 of Bud, a 6-pack of something nice, and some Baked Lays? I'll pay you back of course; I've got mad DDS to burn so dinner on me one or two nights. That'll be clutch because we're probably just going to want to chill, watch Animal House maybe, and sip on some brews before braving the Green scene.

I told them to come Thursday or Friday, but what do you think? Correct me if I'm wrong but Thursday has "Yeah That's My Bed...Don't Leave" tails at AXA, Red, White, and Boob Bash at TDX, Patio Critters at the U, and who knows what else! But Friday is Phi Delt's famous Phinding Nemo party, some historical figure at GDX, and Gettin' Gammered at Chi Gam. I definitely feel like we're in a good situation though.

‘10s Going to Miss Dartmouth; Dartmouth Not Going to Miss ‘10s

With Green Key Weekend right around the corner, the Class of 2010 will soon be experiencing the annual wave of nostalgia that hits the senior class as they close in on their graduation date. ‘10s will reflect on the four years that they have spent at Dartmouth, and the close bonds that they have made with classmates, peers, professors, and the town of Hanover, which includes Jim Gusanoz. The one thing that they do not realize, though, is how little Dartmouth is going to miss them.

“Just fucking graduate already,” said Mark Lafferty ’11, the House Manager of his fraternity. “If I could take a shovel and move these assholes out of the house, I would. I have a little calendar set up in my room with X’s counting down the days to graduation. That’ll be the happiest day of my life: when I never have to deal with those fat pieces of shit ever again.”

Fraternity Invents New Pong Defense Mechanism

“If you don’t like their rules, whose would you use?”

-Charlie Brown

Sigma Alpha Epsilon Fraternity had a problem. Although they had never been renowned as a top house for pong, their cache had slipped even farther in the past two weeks after a series of embarrassing pong defeats in their own basement at the paddles of brothers from other houses. Alex Nichols ’11, SAE president, was able to play off the first few isolated losses as “flukes” because “some kids just suck at pong” or “I’m pretty sure the other team played Masters.” However, when a pair of brothers from Zete, a house that doesn’t even play pong, ran table for 9 games despite the fact that one of the Zetes passed out after 5, Nichols realized change was needed.

Breaking: Your Personal Life Deemed Irrelevant to Class Discussion

Despite a longstanding history and a wealth of assumptions on your part that indicate otherwise, neither your revelatory off-term in Africa, the dynamics of your family situation, nor any other tidbit of information regarding your personal life is actually in any way relevant to the reading you didn’t do for your 10A. This game-changing information may come as a surprise to you, since up to this point no professor has ever straightforwardly addressed how inane your baseless opinions appear to everyone else, probably out of respect for social graces (a term which is also likely unfamiliar to you; look it up on Urban Dictionary).

Dear Stephen

Dear Stephen,

The Dunyun makes me giggle so much and I have Disagreed on all Berry computers with any negative Bored At Baker posts. I posted yesterday, "The Dunyun, more like the Funnyun" and it looks like oh someone Trashed it. Wait, Michelle is not fat; this site is mean.

I am in a pretty funny situation though and need some advice from my favorite Dunyun writer. I can't find a Stephen Briggs in the DND entry; who are you? Are you cute? I also notice you haven't written a real Dunyun in 3 weeks; where'd you go? I miss you so. Seems like it's been forever since you've been gone.

Facebook Welcomes Spring to Dartmouth

Facebook officially welcomed spring to Hanover this weekend. In a flurry of activity brought on by temperatures in the 80s, Facebook helped the student body make a smoothe transition from 10W to 10S.

Girl Executes Elusive Friend Group Change

Christy Jacobs ’13 had made it through her first two terms at Dartmouth and by the standard measures, she was doing great. She was making good grades thanks to her early mastery of the NRO, was in the Decibelles, was an above-average pong player and was, as Steven Safari ’13 put it, “fucking hot”.

However Jacobs felt that something was missing and it wasn’t until her spring break trip to visit her bff at Middlebury that she identified the problem, her friend group. 

Chi Heorot to Hold Grossest-Themed Dance Party Yet

Chi Heorot has been struggling in recent years. A decade ago, it was the renowned home to the hockey team and campus’s grossest-themed dance parties. Now, it is only home to the hockey team, having ceded the dance party crown to Theta Delta Chi’s weekly “Steaky Dudes and Bottom-Feeding Chicks” party. Somewhere along the way, Heorot also picked up the Heavyweight Crew team, which gives them the distinction for the group with the most boring topic of conversation on campus. Heorot needed help.

Student’s Pregnancy Scare Alert Level Raised from Code Yellow to Code Orange

Authorities officially raised the pregnancy scare alert level for Penelope Hancock ’12 from Code Yellow to Code Orange today, prompting her to blitz out to her sorority to ask, “So who wants to go to CVS with me for the ol’ First Response (yes…again lol)?” Sources confirm that while most winter pledges assumed this message to be an obvious case of blitzjack, those who were active in the fall knew full well that she wasn’t kidding.

Dr. Seuss Actually Attended UMass-Dartmouth

Shit.

’13 Abandons Dimensions Team to Secure Hookup

Evan Brechter ’13 was thrilled to be selected to this year’s dimensions team. Since he wasn’t in an a capella group, an improv group or the president of his class, all usual pre-requisites for the dimensions team, he didn’t think he stood much of a chance. To compensate for his lack of talent, he gained admission to the group that hyped themselves up as “more selective than Cornell” by spending twelve hours crafting a ten-page application complete with pie charts detailing his strengths and a list of his family’s legacies at Dartmouth.

While most members of the dimensions crew were excited for the opportunity to share their love for Dartmouth with prospective students, Brechter had a different goal, to hook up with a prospie. He explained his reasoning, “This is what Dimensions is all about, reinventing yourself as a more desirable person and tricking unsuspecting prospies into liking you.”