Dartmouth Student Compromises Love of IBanking for a Soul-Sucking Career in Women and Gender Studies

In the success-driven environment of the Ivy League, many students feel pressured to give up

studies in subjects they genuinely love in order to ensure a lucrative future career.

James Allen ’13 has always been aware of his passion for the financial sector. “Ever since I was

a little kid I knew I wanted to be an investment banker. As I lay in bed at night, I would count

stock market futures instead of sheep. My first word was ‘capitalism’.”

Sadly, this has proved to be an unrealistic childhood dream. Allen was ridiculed by his peers

when he affirmed his desire to pursue a banking career.

Important iPhone Blitz really just Tiny Wings

Trevor Logan ’13 was seen in Collis today staring at his iPhone with a furrowed brow and serious demeanor. Despite widespread speculation that he was sending a very important email, new evidence indicates that he was in fact playing Tiny Wings.

Eyewitnesses report that Logan had been waiting to meet his friend, Caroline Rosenfeld ’14, when he suddenly remembered the ‘important blitz’ he had to send. Thankfully, Rosenwald’s late arrival allowed Logan the much-needed time to thoughtfully respond to the email.

King Arthur Flour Officially Reduces Sandwich Menu to Tuna or Hummus

In a move many saw as a long time coming, King Arthur Flour has removed every sandwich except for tuna and hummus from its menu. Fans of the popular coffee shop shouldn’t notice any difference because “those are the only sandwiches we ever have anyway,” said KAF employee Martin Holmes.

KAF’s current menu includes many elaborate sounding sandwiches like “curried chicken,” “tomato and chevre,” and “ham,” but Holmes admits that these items are “just for show” and “don’t actually exist, I think.” Sources say that the possibly fake sandwiches were intended to coax customers into waiting in line for 25 minutes for “brie and apple on a baguette:” a sandwich that few have actually seen.

Campus Reeling in Shock After Horrific Revelation that Someone Wanted to be in SAE that Badly

A recent article describing in graphic detail the initiation rituals of one member’s pledge term for Sigma Alpha Epsilon fraternity has shaken campus. While many critics of the article accuse the author, who chose to not be named due to his general hatred of attention, of exaggeration and lying, the Dunyun does not wish to downplay the horrific nature of this article.

Sarah Flenderson ’12, the Panhell spokeswoman, felt sick after reading the editorial, "I was seriously mortified. I mean, I could barely even finish reading...the blitz from my friend telling me this kid was an SAE."

Chi Gam Sends Brobible Video to Everyone he Knows

Last weekend, video footage of the Chi Gam basement was posted to the Brobible.com home page. The video featured Rick Papajohn ’12 dancing to “Hey Ya” in what Chi Gams are calling “a typical night in the Gam.” Dan Jacobs ’13 first stumbled upon the video during his daily rounds of the Internet (“Dartboard, WSJ, Brobible”), and immediately blitzed the link out to Chi Gam, subject: “Brobible Status—what up.”

Bottle of Long Trail Ale Solidifies Brother Status

With pledge term behind him, Jonah Adams ’14 headed over to SAE last night for some finals week pong. As a newly initiated brother, Adams confidently walked upstairs and secured a Long Trail Harvest Brown Ale from a ’13 friend. “Why drink Keystone when you don’t have to?” said Adams while pouring small amounts of his brew into cups for pong. “He just got downstairs and immediately got on table. I was like, no way!” said Daniel Jensen ’15, while waiting out a line of three. “But then I saw the fancy beer he was holding; dude’s a brother. Respect.” Sources report seeing Adams several hours later, emphatically holding the same bottle while talking to a group of female ‘15s, though he had “definitely emptied it during pong.”

Marching Band wakes up entire Campus

At 11:00 AM on the morning of the Princeton football game, Dartmouth students were arisen from their slumber by the horn section of Dartmouth’s esteemed marching band. Jeffrey Cohen ‘14 had fallen asleep at 5:30 AM after two games of harbor and several tequila shots, which he had “chased with high-fives.” Yet Cohen was thrilled to start his day with 40 loud instruments playing way too loudly outside his first floor Wheeler window. Surprisingly, Cohen was not seen at the football game later that day. A hungover Cohen assured the Dunyun that he would have been in attendance but he had to vomit, shower, and fall back to sleep.

Other Fraternities Kappatalize on AD, TDX, BG Probation

With the three fraternities that make up “the only circuit that matters” on probation for winter, other fraternities are looking to kappatalize by attracting new people to come over to hang out, play pong, and enjoy the snow. Harry Aht ’13 is hoping that his fraternity gets a much-needed influx of social kappatal after spending fall term literally knee-deep in ‘15s. To fully kappatalize, Phi Delt is temporarily changing its classic rock playlist to include more Katy Perry and LMFAO. Members of Panarchy believe the house can maintain its high level of kappatilization by also enjoying the snow.

Unopened Box of Condoms Haunts Freshman's Fall

Excited to begin a new, sexually active, phase of his life, Brian Houston ’15 purchased a box of Trojan Her Pleasure® condoms for freshman fall because, “it’s really about her, not me.” He placed the box in the drawer beside his bed, even removing the plastic wrapping for easier access. However, after only handful of dance floor makeouts, the box continues to sit untouched in his drawer, with the exception of two condoms used in an impromptu water balloon fight on his floor before he realized the cool kids lived in the Choates and not East Wheelock.

Houston cited several reasons for his lack of action this term; “I was really feeling out the scene and focusing on making friends. I’ve laid a ton of groundwork with girls for next term, especially with this cutie on my hall. As soon as she realized that freshman guys actually have a lot to offer, I'm in, literally.” When asked, Houston rebuffed the idea that he was too ambitious and maybe should’ve started with the 3-pack.

'14 Bumps Freshmen off Table Because He Can

Despite being a member of TriKap for two months, Nick Meyer ’14 still felt a rush of adrenaline when bumping a pair of freshmen off table simply because he could. The freshmen, who had waited out a line of four, looked disheartened but accepted their fate as they left their fully racked tree and walked out of the basement. Meyer then searched for a partner but drew little interest since every other brother in the sparsely populated basement was either playing or had next, with some also looking for a partner. After thirty minutes, Meyer was able to start his game after “his boy” made it over from Topliff.