President Kim Announces New Mascot: the Dartmouth Aires

Thanks to the administration’s help, the Dartmouth Aires finished 2^nd in NBC’s “The Sing-Off” last night. In a bold move, President Kim has made the Dartmouth Aires the official mascot of Dartmouth. This decision comes on the heels of unprecedented popularity for the all-male a cappella group who were the real winners of the Sing-Off last night (shit was rigged).

‘15s Celebrate Annual Turkey Drop

Today is Thanksgiving: that time every year when freshmen realize that their girlfriends and boyfriends from home are just not worth the effort. They have become the romantic equivalent of waiting 30 minutes in the Hop line only to find that they don’t have shelled eggs. They used to have shelled eggs, and it was awesome. But now those eggs are gone, and you’re only left with the line. Thanksgiving is when freshmen finally leave the fucking line.

Many ‘15s who “wanted to try the long-distance thing” and were “the exception to the rule” will finally throw in the towel and end it with their boyfriend/girlfriend/we’re-broken-up-but-still-talk-everyday-and-hookup-a lot-and-are-basically-a-couple from home.

Campus Bros Starting to Feel Uncomfortable with how much they Like The Sing Off

Seven weeks into the show’s run, the Dartmouth Aires have captivated campus with their performance on NBC’s “The Sing Off.” However, this enthusiasm has caused self-proclaimed bros across campus to question whether or not they have surpassed the acceptable level of excitement over a televised a capella competition.

When a crowd of Phi Delts were asked last night about watching The Sing Off, they nervously replied that the Monday Night Football game was “on a commercial break” and “was going to be a complete blowout anyways.”

When interviewed further, Patrick Schwartz ’13, claimed, “It was pretty random. Forty guys just showed up at the house and we didn’t have anything to do so we decided to watch The Sing Off. Wouldn’t it be weird if we had planned it? What is this Sig Ep?”

Novack Futilely Maintains that King Arthur Flour is their Rival

Despite being vastly outmatched in food quality, service, and facetime by King Arthur Flour, Novack Café still insists that they are a “competitor” with whom the KAF Café “splits clientele.”

Ever since KAF opened last spring, students have slowly veered away from the straight, no-frills, Keystone-Light-of-coffee from Novack and towards the delicious, Keystone-Light-in-an-orange-can-of-coffee from the KAF.

Occupy Dartmouth Protesters, Upset with ‘15s Inactivity Decide to Touch Fire

The rhythmic chopping of Mass General’s Medical Evacuation Helicopter could be heard over Hanover late Saturday evening.  On a night historically featuring arrests and hospitalizations of wayward freshman attempting to dispel allegations of “being the worst class ever,” this year’s Homecoming featured a novel twist.  The newest additions to the ICU: Burn Division were not slightly charred ‘15s, but rather three members of the highly ambiguous and increasingly irrelevant ‘Occupy Dartmouth’ protest.

When interviewed early Saturday morning under hospital arrest, gruesome burn victim and Occupy Dartmouth chief organizer Chase Flannels claimed the move was made to, “fight the rising inactivity of the freshman class.”  “No one was touching the fire, they needed to see what real action was,” Flannels flubbed in a morphine haze.  “In a world where passivity and complacent right wing ignorance dominate, corporate oppression is the only winner, man.”  The ambiguity of Flannels’ uncomfortably general statement has left Dartmouth’s intellectual community overwhelmingly ambivalent toward the protests.

Ban on Public Hazing Means Brothers Have no Clue who their Pledges are Anymore

A recent GLOS directive has banned all public hazing "because it's illegal,” and thrown the whole fraternity system into turmoil. Unable to tell which pledges are their own, upperclassmen have been committing random acts of hazing around campus.

Members of several fraternities are frustrated that they now have to “actually learn who these pledges are” and can no longer “just ask the bro in the cut-offs to wait in the King Arthur Flour line for me.”

Football Team Really Pissed They Had Such High Expectations This Year

After a disappointing 1-4 start, the Dartmouth football team and its supporters are all really pissed. The anger is not directed at the poor performance of the team, but rather the fact that they had actually convinced themselves that this was going to be the year.

Coach Bucky Stevens took partial responsibility, “I feel like I’ve let our boys down. I never should’ve let them get their hopes up like this and I blame myself. We’re Dartmouth football, we’re proud of it, and we should never let ourselves forget who we are with unrealistic expectations like winning. ”

‘The 99%’ Protests 1% of Dartmouth’s Guys Getting all the Hot Girls

A group of Dartmouth males, calling themselves ‘the 99 percent,’ has gathered outside The Hop (grill, not arts center) for the past week to “Occupy Dartmouth” in response to, as one protestor put it, “the gross inequality between the number of hot girls pulled by the ‘1%’ of Dartmouth males verses the other 99%, who are regularly shut out of hookups by the hottest Dartmouth females.”

A spokesman for Occupy Dartmouth attempted to sum up the goals of the group, “This is for all the ‘nice’ guys. The guys who watched that cute girl on their freshman floor hook up with that upperclassman. The guys who are tired of feeling like we’re a second option. We are the 99%.”

’15 Convinces Girl that Rocky Bathroom is one of the Dartmouth Seven

Ready to seal the deal and “break his Dartmouth cherry,” Alex Davis ’15 left frat row Saturday with Miley Carter ’15. Upon reaching his Russell Sage triple, Davis was disappointed to find his roommate already back and “playing fucking Fifa.” Carter called her room a no go because her roommate “has a midterm Wednesday and has been holed up in there for the past week.”

Davis quickly proceeded to suggest that the two of them embark on one of the Dartmouth Seven. “I didn’t want Miley to ever have the chance to ‘just want to go to sleep’,” said Davis. “ So I just rolled with it from there.”

Most Hated ’13 from Pledge Class Coincidentally Most Excited to Haze ‘14s

Mark Hanson ’13 had a rough pledge term a year ago. Widely considered the most disliked member of the Theta Delta Chi pledge class, he was routinely singled out to fetch meals for brothers, drink until he passed out before 9 PM, and leave class to move his pledge trainer’s laundry to the dryer, lest it form mildew.

However, having made it through pledge term, Hanson excitedly changed his D-plan in order to “Show the ‘14s what pledge term is all about.”