Anniversary

Greetings from The Dunyun.

Sunday, December 5th, 2010

It's our first birthday! One year ago to the day, James Engle was sitting on Fourth Floor Berry with a full bladder, Frannie Mays was tripping balls on a Five-Hour Energy, Stephen Briggs was congratulating himself on finishing pledge term, and nobody had heard of Jayson Doubleday. We were muggles all. But James, Frannie, and Stephen were united by common cause: a desire to procrastinate, wasted writing talent, and a lot of stuff to complain about. And so we trudged on, making fun of more things than we knew were possible. Some people got pissed at us along the way. Oh well. Only God can judge me. And Dartmouth has no speech code, suckas!

A couple months into our time, Jayson imposed himself on our ranks, and we were too tired to object. The spring saw us starting to experiment with new styles, especially Briggs's signature "Dun-on-Dun" and "Dear Stephen" segments, and Frannie's unparalleled "Vox Querentis" rants, which have become staples. We took somewhat of a break over the summer, as Briggs was way too busy fratting to write, but have been back this fall, tired but determined. We're looking forward to our second year, which looks promising with new material, fresh styles, and some budding talent in the ranks.

To celebrate our first year, though, we've put together a fuckin' tome of new articles for you to read. We know it's finals and you're so stressed and you don't have the time to read all of them, but save this blitz and go back to a new article when you need a study break.

We love you,

The Dunyun

Free Breakfast for Dinner Completely Compensates Students for Usual DDS Price Level

Preying on students’ lack of sleep and day of subsistence on Novack food, DDS took the opportunity on the last night before finals to gain some goodwill from the student body. By offering breakfast for dinner, commonly called brinner, free of charge, DDS effectively eliminated all animosity towards its usually bloated price levels for the foreseeable future. 

Managers and employees alike were excited about the giveaway. Ed Harvin, the co-vice president of public goodwill and decorations for DDS, explained, “We’re always looking for ways to give back to students. I mean were keeping Novack open 24 hours today and even giving a larger selection of $4 drinks. All we ask for in return is a mere $1,500 per term and the patience to deal with limited dining options and long lines.” 

Vox Querentis: Wrong and THE WRONGEST

I have been done wrong. So Becky Gibson is this stuck-up, terrible girl with a whole group of cliquey friends that I’m not even about to try to talk to. They’re so mean and exclusive and they wouldn’t even let me join their Barbie Club EVEN THOUGH I served as loyal secretary to their Kittycat Tea Party Club for all of third grade. I spend most of my time talking to the assistant principal about how I think her and the Barbie Club are a downright poisonous element to the Adlai Stevenson Junior High community and in the meantime writing nasty letters about her to all my friends (and I know my loyal readers are used to seeing my anti-Becky opinions published in the weekly Fightin’ Amish newspaper, but today is reserved for the Jonas Brothers issue and I just don’t know where else I could publish an unsolicited and self-indulgent editorial on such short notice).

DREAM Extends Program to Choates, Eyes Move to River

The well-known community organization DREAM has announced an extension of its mentoring program to the dorms of the Choates cluster, and future plans to incorporate those of the River. DREAM at Dartmouth currently runs mentoring programs at Northwoods, Hollow Drive, and Windsor, all of which are local subsidized housing developments.

In its mission statement, DREAM states its goal of providing an opportunity for the children to “see new perspectives” and “take advantage of community resources.”

Although the inclusion of Dartmouth freshmen into the program will undoubtedly make for the oldest “mentees” in DREAM’s history, DREAM president Allie Gordon ’11 professed her optimism in positively affecting those students of the Choates.

Christmas Tree Given “Exempt” Status by PC Police

In a rare display of generosity and warmth, the PC Police voted unanimously this week to give the Christmas tree in the middle of the Green “exempt” status on its political incorrectness. Reasons cited for not making a big deal about the tree are “Christmas spirit”, “not ruining a good time”, and “too busy with finals”.

The PC Police could call out the tree on any number of grounds. The tree promotes a Christian-centric approach, as the most prominent location on campus is given over to a celebration of one specific religion. Other religions rarely get such prominent or long-lasting displays. But the tree in the middle of the Green is just so damn heart-warming, especially when it’s all lit up.

Dartmouth Holds Saturday Morning “Keyster Egg” Hunt for Hanover Youth

In a show of goodwill to the Hanover community, The Dartmouth Office of Community Relations (OCR) has organized a campus wide scavenger hunt for local children. The scavenger hunt, to be held Saturday morning, will be for crushed Keystones carefully hidden in bushes, gutters, and sidewalks around campus.

Giaccone launches new attack on Greek system, enlists PETA, admissions officers

Free the Dags.

Hanover Police has started looking for help from unlikely
sources in a new "creative" effort to "improve" the Greek
system, according to Nick Giaccone.

As the first step of the two-part plan--also known
as "Boost Webster"--representatives from People for the
Ethical Treatment of Animals will be invited to visit
fraternities.

The Need to Be Engaged

Dartmouth girls need to wake up and realize that all boys at Dartmouth are looking for is a wife, point blank.

Let's back up a second. To be more exact, let's back up about two nights. I'm in the basement of Theta Delt, and I see a guy talking to girl. Let's call him Guy, and her Girl. He asks her to play pong. My friend, let's call her Friend, turns to me and comments about how he just wants to "get in her pants."

'14 Fails Midterm, Claims to Stop Caring

Upon arriving at Dartmouth, James Thornton '14 instantly declared his intention to pull the 4.0 and become a successful neurosurgeon so he could "get all the ass" that he felt had been denied to him ever since he became an overachiever in 3rd grade.

News in Brief

“Scream Save” Popularity on the Rise

The “scream save,” consisting of screaming while the pong ball hurdles imminently towards your cups (dropping the paddle is optional), has recently become a quite popular go-to move for Dartmouth students during games of pong. This challenging save takes great mental reflexes combined with poor physical coordination, as well as genuine concern about the consumption of Keystone and/or the loss of the game. Scream saves are expected to increase Kappa pong talent by up to 63% in any given game, and up to 80% when combined with team saves.