Goldman Sachs Puzzled by Lack of Response to ‘Exciting Job Offer for Students’

Human resources officers at Goldman Sachs, a leading global investment bank, have been baffled by the lack of interest in a series of recruiting emails, which they have been sending to Dartmouth Students throughout the summer. Instead of an impersonal resume submission through DartBoard, Goldman recruiters attempted to take advantage of Dartmouth's unique blitz culture and make the process more personal by sending emails to each student. Although they have sent emails to students with subjects such as “Exciting Job for Dartmouth Students” and “Cool Student Job Opportunity!!!”, applications to Goldman Sachs are down 98% from last year.

Masters Victors Powered by Secret Source of Energy and Confidence

"Cocaine's a helluva drug." Rick James

Nobody could understand the phenomenon. On Saturday, both teams from Sigma Alpha Epsilon fraternity made it to the finals of Masters, an annual pong tournament between fraternities. SAE, which is not normally known for its athleticism or success, does have one thing on its side: some kind of secret shared between the brothers that allows its members to feel and act differently than the opponents.

Computing Services Announces Some Technicalities of Email Client Shift, Fails to Address the Future of Flitzing

In a move widely recognized as the largest cultural shift to Dartmouth since coeducation, Computing Services announced today that it will replace the 20+-year-old proprietary email client, BlitzMail, with a brand-new Microsoft prototype email client. The email, which was sent to all students, faculty, and staff, contained such unimportant details as the timeline for the transition, a conspicuously vague reference to the reasons for the choice of Microsoft over Google, and offers for help for those struggling with the transition. The email did not, however, address the only thing that students care about: the future of flitzing.

“13s Unsure how to Manflirt over the Summer”

Many male members of the Class of 2013 have encountered problems this summer keeping up their desired levels of manflirting, which reached startling levels in the winter and spring. Manflirting is a staple of freshman year due to Dartmouth’s unique rush calendar. However, most aspiring bros refer to it by euphemisms such as “hanging out” or “getting to know brothers” in order to distance themselves from the more often criticized girlflirting.

Many ‘13s were worried about their loss of prime manflirting time over the summer. While some solved this problem by simply staying on campus over the summer, Jacob Taylor ’13 was worried about being classified as “that guy” and decided that it would be more practical maximize his manflirting by “just visiting for a few weekends, you know, when I’m in the area. The ‘12s will definitely be excited to see a ’13 around.”

Real World "Full of Caspers"

“Who you gonna call? Ghostbusters!”

Jack Rapaport ’11 is the discoverer of a phenomenon. In the library, in the dining halls, and in humanities classes, there are caspers. Caspers, according to Rapaport, are “girls who you see around and who seem really cute and cool and great and haven’t hooked up with any of your friends, but are nowhere to be seen on a Friday night. On a Friday night, they might as well be ghosts.” Since his discovery of this phenomenon, Rapaport has declared himself a “ghostbuster”, a man who finds these ghosts and “takes them down.” Ever since starting his internship in New York City, though, Rapaport has found that the real world is more “full of caspers” than he could possibly have dreamed.

’13s Gain Valuable Experience From Internships

Andrew Kartsonis ’13 was excited to tell his friends that he had landed a prestigious, highly sought-after summer internship at Morgan Stanley this summer. After spending all year learning about abstract concepts such as supply and demand and GDP, Kartsonis finally got to gain some more practical skills. Best of all, this internship was located right in his hometown of Toledo, OH.

He explained how this internship was preparing him for life after college, “I’ve only been here three weeks but I’m already ‘getting my hands dirty’ and learning all the skills I need to succeed. And to think that last year I though Excel and PowerPoint were just for middle school science presentations. Thus far I haven't actually found any other skills that you need to make it in finance.”

Working at a Kosher Foods Emporium Guarantees Action; Trend Sweeps New York

A startling trend is overtaking cities across the Eastern Seaboard, especially the City of New York. Neil Strauss, author of The Game: Penetrating the Secret Society of Pickup Artists, has called it “the most guaranteed way to get ass since the invention of the boy band.” “The Move,” as some bystanders have come to call it, is simply to go up to a girl and, in casual conversation, mention that you work at a Kosher Foods Emporium. This works best if you mention that you work specifically at Goldman Snacks Kosher Foods Emporium. Other Kosher Foods Emporiums that will guarantee action with a mention are Morgan Stanley’s Flatbread and Jacob P. Morgan’s Brisket Bank.

13s Try to Explain Pong to Friends at Home, Fail Miserably

Across America, ‘13s are experiencing their first prolonged time away from Hanover and are wondering how they ever lived in their hometowns. This transition away from Hanover has been difficult for many ‘13s. Chris Hampson ’13 unfortunately learned the hard way that crossing in the middle of the street in New York City is met with more than an awkward glance and wave. After finishing a project for his internship, David Justice ‘13 headed down to his basement to “hang out.” However, he was greeted with only stacks of boxes and a single hanging light bulb. Undaunted, he urinated in the corner.

To remedy this situation, many ‘13s have attempted to introduce aspects of Dartmouth into their home lives. ‘13s have accomplished this in different ways. Stacey Jackson ‘13, upon her arrival back home, began to only listen to Filligar and classify everything in her hometown as either a-side or b-side (mostly b-side). To ease the transition from DDS, John Stiefel ‘13 began to only pay food with his debit card and leave excessive tips to make the prices more “realistic.” 

Reason Behind Commencement Speaker Revealed

In the wake of the commencement speech by Stephen Lewis in which he revealed that he had indeed not cured cancer, starred in a major motion picture or secretly led a country, the college was forced to admit the real reason that he was chosen to give this year’s commencement address. Associate Dean Miranda Harris explained that Lewis was chosen simply because, “It would’ve been weird to have Jim Kim speak at his own college’s graduation.”

According to Harris, Jim Yong Kim was lined up to deliver a speech at the 2010 commencement about his revolutionary AIDS work as far back as two years ago. However, he was named president of Dartmouth College, putting the search committee in an awkward situation. Allen Todd, the chairman of the committee, explained, “We still wanted the speech to be about Jim Kim’s accomplishments but we couldn’t have Kim actually deliver the speech.”

Publication Ceased Until Summer Term

This will be the last issue of the Dunyun until summer term when we will be replacing the Daily Dunyun with the Irregular Dunyun. We leave you with some inspiration on how to spend your summer term, our plans, and a final article.

James Engle '11 wanted to be original in his summer plans, so he decided to take an internship in New York City. The thing that he can't wait for more than anything else is to go out to bars and hear his finance friends talk about how much work they have, and how much money they have. But how it's justified that they have so much money, because they have so much work. And how the hours really aren't that bad, once you get used to them. He hopes to avoid the asshole virus by washing his hands after every time he touches somebody wearing a suit.

Frannie Mays '11 will be tripping balls on 5-hour energy at all times, looking for ways to make bitchery profitable as it is her only usable skill (internship with Omarosa?), and reuniting with Waffle House. She will also be terrorizing our youth in the sweltering heat of the tobacco industry hellhole known as Durham, NC. She will hit bull and win a steak. She regrets to inform you she is unavailable for 10X booty calls.

Stephen Briggs '12 is returning to the birthplace of Jon Bon Jovi for a fortnight, politely asking his Grandmother to remove sleeves from all his shirts and then returning to the Bubble for 10X. Briggs is currently holding one class, Astro 4: Staring Down Stars but may take more! He hopes to finally learn how to swim this Summer, discover where Hillel is (but still not stop by for Shabbot, sorry Grandma) and pick a perfect Masters bracket (July Madness). Oh yeah and frat frat frat.

Jayson Doubleday '13 will be trying to learn how to correctly use blitz and waiting to steal blitz nicknames currently belonging to ‘10s over interim. He is returning to the largest city in America (land wise), where he will be napping competitively and looking for a new pickup line since "I write for the Dunyun" is unlikely to work. In his free time, he is making up for 19 years of light to moderate physical activity by doing calisthenics, running and wearing lax pinnies so that he can impress '14s on his DOC trip next fall. Go Braves.