'13 Confused Why Couple Brought No Books To Stacks

In the midst of a late study session for his Econ 22 midterm, Mike Virgen '13 observed a male and female enter his Stacks level with "no books, not even book bags".

Virgen commented, "I had been studying a while so maybe my memory is cross-faded but yeah, nothing at all. They sat down a few seats away from me and started giggling. Public speaking midterm maybe?"

While the couple giggled in the corner, Virgen's computer died and although both having "absolutely nothing on them", he felt bold and asked the Couple if either had a charger.

The male responded, "You're gonna have to give me 20 minutes sauce boss. I'll get you some juice then."

AD Embraces Honesty; Replaces “Super Tails” with “Gettin’ Tail(s)”

Controversy arose on the Greek scene this week when Alpha Delta Fraternity decided to change the theme of its termly tails event “Super Tails” to “Gettin’ Tail(s).” The guest list, which previously included the three sororities deemed most “dick-hardening” by general consensus of the brothers, has been reformed to include girls across campus who are “most likely to actually get it wet,” Arthur Andrews ’10, social chair of AD, explained to the Dunyun. Now, instead of having open season on unwitting pledges from KDE, Kappa, and TriDelt, the brothers are only inviting women who “really know what they’re getting themselves into. You very well may be ejaculated on at a moment’s notice. Not all girls are down with that, surprisingly.”

Man Has Unbelievable Sex with Incredibly Hot Yoga Instructor

    On Tuesday night, at approximately 9:43 p.m., Doug Wallace ’12, in the culmination of literally days of effort, had amazing sex with his wickedly hot yoga instructor, Jeanie Martin ‘11. This entire plot was set in motion when Wallace signed up for the yoga class with the express purpose of meeting women.
    Wallace’s plans were well thought-out. In his historic Four Point Plan, he laid out the foolproof framework that led him to success.
    “First, everybody knows that hot chicks do yoga,” said Wallace. “Second, yoga makes these chicks flexible. And that translates directly into sexual ability. I’ve had sex with so many women, that settling for having regular sex again is just something I can’t deal with.”

Man Finds Clitoris Thanks to Campus-wide Email

    Larry Winters ’11 never thought he’d find the clitoris again. On the evening of Friday, January 22nd, he realized that he was unable to find the clitoris. It was something that had been entrusted to him by his girlfriend, Martha Jones ’11. Not being able to find it would be, according to Jones, “a big deal.”
    Winters knew that he had to find the clitoris, but did not want to send an email to the entire campus.
    “Well for one thing, I didn’t want to clog inboxes. Those ‘lost’ blitzes are so annoying. But I had to find it. There was also the shame of admitting that I couldn’t find it… I didn’t want to be like that girl who has to blitz out to campus and say that she lost her jacket at maybe TDX or maybe GDX and that it could be in that cute brother’s room at either place.”
    Before resorting to a campus-wide email, Winters decided to do everything he could to locate the clitoris. He started by asking his girlfriend.

Dick's House Renamed "House of Dick"

Dartmouth College Health Services' officials have voted to change campus health center Dick's House's name to House of Dick. DCHS spokesperson, Richard Johnson, commented, "We hate to get caught up in semantics, but we firmly believe that House of Dick gives a chiller, hipper, and more girthy image of our student health services."

All maladies will now be described in the "context of cock" and the center has rallied behind the motto, "Dick Makes You Sick".

Campus physician, Dr. Michelle Fingerhood, elaborated, "Pregnancy will now be known as poked by an unprotected dick. STDs: poked by a dirty dick. H1N1: fucked by swine dick. Strep: blew somebody with strep dick. Hangover: too drunk to get dicked last night."

Student Assembly Proposes Facebook Farmville App as an “Alternative Social Space”

For years now, there has been debate among the student body and those in the administration about the widespread social power of the Greek scene on Dartmouth campus. Many question whether it is healthy for thousands of 18-22 year olds to live in a frigid wasteland where the only outlet for relief from various emotional and psychological stresses is getting blackout drunk in fraternity basements on piss-flavored beer as often as possible, and the few dismal bars in town actually ID you, and the alternative entertainment options offered by the College include watching movies at the HOP, i.e. Superbad, so you can enjoy watching even younger kids get drunk instead of stooping to such illegal activity yourself, and wondering to yourself at night, “Where is the clitoris really? I hope I know by my wedding night,” and sometimes calling your parents but calling them “Dude” or “Bro” when a pretty girl walks by so she knows you’re legit even if you aren’t in that A-side frat, and pretending you have a lot of work to do so people don’t question why you are in the library on Friday night watching anime porn.

Cave Drawings Found Near Hanover Spark Governance Debate Amongst Alumni

The cave drawings found by Association of Sixty-Somethings (ASS) spelunkers last weekend have re-ignited the heated governance debate amongst alumni. The drawings, which have been carbon-dated to the 3rd century B.C., depict a group of men standing around a table. On one side of the table, there are more men than on the other.
Jonathan Robertson ’76, an outspoken critic of the “parity” side of the governance debate, says that the cave drawings show a clear precedent for the Board of Trustees’s 2007 addition of eight new charter trustees, removing the age-old parity between charter and alumni-elected trustees.
“The table is a clear representation of the Board,” said Robertson. “And the men on the left, who outnumber the men on the right, clearly show the charter trustees. And the men on the right are the alumni-elected Trustees.”

'13 Makes First-Ever Topside Condom Purchase, Magnum

In a move causing quite the gossip around campus, Jason Sykes ’13 purchased Magnum condoms from Topside late Wednesday night. This is the first documented contraception sale at the campus convenience store and “definitely foreshadowed getting some”, commented Conor Michaels, a Tuck student in the store at the time.

Sykes had already gained a name for himself on campus as a “ladies man”, when he invented (and boned) the “Sykes Seven: UGA, DOC leader, DDS Employee, arresting S and S officer, Dick’s House nurse, and officers at Tri-Delt and KDE”. Multiple floormates have complained of "excessive moaning", which Sykes shrugged off as "just jealousy because they can't pull."

Roommate Jeff Tulio ’13 noted, “I mean I know Jason was boning regularly, but this is just such a public display of poon. He kept asking for Magnums at floor meetings, but our UGA refused to buy them for him after they stopped doing the In N Out burger.”

’12 Tridelt Winter Pledge: “I’m Pretty Now, Right?”

After a full three months of gut-wrenchingly embarrassing unaffiliation, Meg Daniels ’12 was able to secure a bid from Delta Delta Delta sorority this week and, in a recent press conference held live on boredatbaker.com, demanded to know whether or not she’s attractive now. Daniels, who dropped out of fall rush and canceled her winter Foreign Study Program after receiving preference night invites to Alpha Phi and Kappa Delta, posted her name at strategic intervals in order to get instant feedback on her new status in the ranks of campus socialites. The posts included “Meg Daniels?”, “Meg Daniels a/d”, “Who are the new Tridelts? I want to bang all of them”, and “Meg Daniels – hot? For the love of god please respond.”

“It’s not that I’m so shallow that I allow what a group of girls and, by association, the rest of campus thinks of my appearance control my every action and emotion,” said Daniels in an interview at Collis Café, “it’s just that fall term really sucked and I’d love to know how much hotter I am now that my sweatpants have letters on the butt.” Indeed, fall sorority rush drew heavy criticism around campus when over 100 girls dropped out due either to sickness or not getting bids from their first-choice houses. For many sophomore girls, including Daniels, Tridelt was a top choice due to its status among the “Big Three” sororities known for attractive members. “I think most of our pledges rush for reasons besides this silly heteronormative ‘rank’ perception,” claimed Tridelt rush chair and Art History major Stephanie Collins ’11, “there’s the sisterhood, and….um….we all really love each other a lot. Oh, and we have tails with Psi U on Friday.”

Haitians Show an Outpouring of Support for Phi Delt

Though the small island country of Haiti may be a world away from our little College on the Hill, an inspiring act of charity last weekend made many reconsider what it means to be part of the human community. When the victims of the devastating earthquake that wreaked havoc on Haiti heard of the tragic state of the Phi Delta Alpha house right here on campus, charred and uninhabitable, they answered the call for help. Following the earthquake that destroyed much of the country last Tuesday and left an estimated 100,000 to 200,000 people dead, a group of nearly eight thousand Haitians who had received donations of clothing, food, and basic supplies rallied together to send those supplies straight to the town of Hanover, New Hampshire, to help the brothers of Phi Delt recover from their own crisis.
David Jeffs ’10, president of Phi Delt, expressed his gratitude at the compassionate move. “It is truly a saintly act to give to those who have so little. After the Haitians did that for us, I just had to do my part and send some ITunes gift cards their way. I sent a fruitcake too. I hope no one’s allergic to nuts!”