Study Shows High Correlation Between Morning-After Blitzes and Sex the Night Before

A study released today by the Department for Women and Gender Studies and the computer help desk showed a strong correlation between receiving or sending morning-after blitzes and having had sex the night before.

“The origins of the morning-after blitz have been ambiguous for too long”, according to Marjorie Meyer, a WGST professor. “We’ve answered the question, if you’re getting a morning after blitz, there’s a good chance you had sex last night.”

G45: Bike and Hike Shares Inside Joke, Becomes Best Trip Ever

Last week, the funniest thing happened during G45: Bike and Hike. I would try to explain it to you but you’d never understand. Oh My God it was hilarious though. Needless to say, it allowed G45 to forge relationships more stable than the ones they have yet to end with their long distance girlfriends.

“It was a had-to-be-there moment,” said Johnny Kalin ‘15. “Just between me and the best fucking trip ever. And this girl Annie I met at the Lodge. What a cutie.”

Annie Guerra ’15 was going to tell him that every trip found a Canadian Groundfruit, “but why ruin his fun?”

Students Start ‘Big Green Noodles, LLC’

“Students Start ‘Big Green Noodles, LLC’”

Like nearly all Dartmouth students, Bryan Yu was fed up with the lack of authentic ramen noodles in the Upper Valley. Because of this constant dark mark on Dartmouth’s dining scene, he and three other ‘13s started “Big Green Noodles, LLC.” Yu told the Dunyun, “Dartmouth students won’t stand for the cheap ramen sold at Topside, CVS, the Coop or Wal-Mart. What do you want more after a hard day in the library than to get back to your dorm, go to the kitchen, boil some water, and then enjoy some authentic, delicious ramen.” What’s better, Big Green Noodles offers these noodles at an affordable $2.25 per pack, operating on razor thin margins.

Details on ordering authentic ramen at a low, low price can be found here www.biggreennoodles.com or here www.amazon.com.

15's Brother was an '09, No on Cares

Jacob Millinger ’15 arrived for his Section A trip excited to follow in the footsteps of his brother Ethan, an ’09. Jacob explained, “My brother was a pretty big deal on campus. He did a bunch of clubs, was in a frat, you know, all the important stuff. It’ll just be nice to go somewhere where people already know something like that about me.”

Unfortunately, the presence of Ethan Millinger’s brother on campus failed to impress upperclassmen as much as Jacob expected. Even HCroo members, known for their excitement over even mundane things, could only muster a tepid smile combined with a “Ya, maybe”, when he proclaimed, “I’m Jacobs. My brother, Ethan, was an ’09. You probably know him.” However, Millinger did set up a tentative pong date with his “hot trippee” by subtly mentioning, “My brother was an SAE and they all love him there. I could definitely get us on table when we get back.”

At press time, Millinger wasn’t sure “which one SAE is.”

Frisbee Team Drops "Ultimate" from Name

The name change is not expected to decrease the number of annoying people on the green on a nice day.  

The Senior Dunyun

Things I’m Most Going to Miss Making Fun of at Dartmouth

Making fun of shit is my go-to respite from the desperate futility of trying to take anything about my life seriously at this school. College is all about relishing the last few years we have not to take things seriously, which is why my #1 favorite thing to make fun of is anything and everything onto which we place an unwarranted sense of importance.

Luckily for me, Dartmouth abounds with faux importance.  First, I’m going to miss all those fratstars who love comparing their fraternity’s pledge term to boot camp training in the actual military, where soldiers are training for actual life-or-death situations, and where learning how to pull your trigger is a high-stakes lesson instead of a way to figure out how to waste even more social money on beer. I’m also going to miss the sororitystars (aka biddypros) who pose for pictures (usually muploads) while falling all over each other as if their own cuteness makes them incapable of holding up their own body weight.

I’m going to miss Jack Stinson, and especially that eyebrow raise he gave me whenever I looked halfway decent, and that glassy-eyed twinkle that accompanied his not-so-subtle come-ons of “Lookin’ good!” and “I have a social chair jacket for you.” Speaking of social chair jackets, I’m going to miss all those almost-baseless myths about Dartmouth, like that those jackets actually exist, or that JD Salinger frequented our library, or that Panarchy makes crack in the basement, or that Jim Kim owns five IPads, four IPhones, three Blackberrys, and two Macbook pros, or that drinking beer out of another dude’s asshole doesn’t make you gay, or that every single non-dining Hanover business besides (including?) Stinson’s is a drug front (WHO SHOPS AT MICHAEL’S AUDIO-VIDEO AND/OR VON BARGEN’S?).

I’m going to miss all the servers at the Hanover restaurants who treat me as if my very presence is an unwanted and inconvenient burden, and who quite literally scoff at me when I ask for a glass of water. To all of you servers and cashiers out there who are brave enough to unabashedly hate your job and all of your customers, I salute you for being yourselves and humbling the fuck out of me.  When I lived in the South, I used to only get the eye-roll from movie theater cashiers when I ordered a side cup of nacho cheese to go with my popcorn (direct quote from my Dad: “We’re gonna have to roll you to high school!”) and the Dairy Queen workers when I paid for my Blizzard with pennies while walking through the drive-thru. But now I see that I am always ruining someone’s day just by walking into an establishment, and that’s a lesson that all of us—especially the Sun God—should learn.

I’m going to miss making fun of the Sun God, the epitome of taking oneself too seriously while being all-around terrible and laughable. I’m going to miss using the phrase “I know brothers” in every situation, like taking an ENGS class and having access to free Thayer printing at 3 in the morning, or knowing how to get a JoYo in the new FoCo. I’m going to miss making fun of freshmen who think saying shit like that grants them access into a sacred club, as if dumb slang defines Dartmouth. I’m going to miss making fun of freshmen in general, because I hate them for having everything in front of them and not even knowing what embarrassingly incredible opportunities they have ahead of them for learning to laugh at themselves.

Finally, I would like to take credit for the song “Out of Control.” Not because I actually wrote it, but because it is certain to be forever legendary if only for being the only secret at Dartmouth that has remained a secret. Whereas my legend will fade faster than gossip about the Kappa Klepto (she’ll pull your credit card right out of you from any hole).

So long, Da Mouth. It’s been real being so fake with you.

Kathleen Mayer aka Frannie Mays '11

Four years have given me a lot to make fun of. When the Sun God came, everybody else was sad. I was thrilled: fresh material. 

I’m going to miss feeling disgruntled every time I see a Frisbee fly across the Green. For the last time, it’s a pedestrian zone and not a sporting arena. 

See, in the real world, I can’t make fun of Croo or crew. Nobody but a Dartmouth person can understand how facetimey it is to keep your hair dyed for too long during Orientation. And why do people join the crew team just to punish themselves for a year and then quit immediately following rush? 

When I first meet my co-workers, the quickest way to win their approval will not be an unexpected “Fuck Psi U/Theta Delt!” (I list both of them because while they are interchangeable to the general public, you have to make sure that you say “Fuck Theta Delt!” if you’re talking to a Psi U, and vice versa. I hate screwing that one up.) 

I’m going to miss BG, the GGMM, and everybody else who can tell you the difference between “postmodern” and “meta”. 

Collis will one day turn into a giant block of tofu. The building will be closed because everybody knows that tofu is not structurally sound. 

I never touched the fire. 

I’m going to miss pondering the meaning of life while staring at the one vending machine in Novack that sells sandwiches guaranteed to give you food poisoning. 

Yelling, “Stop! Thief!” whenever somebody sets off the beepers in the library will never get old. 

If people continue making hand motions to indicate their secret society affiliations in Facebook pictures, I will have material to last me well into my alum years. 

I don’t think there are any secret virgins or secret deaf people in the real world. But then again, they are secret for a reason. It still confuses me why they choose to congregate in East Wheelock. 

I’m going to miss making fun of forums. 

If I overhear(d) something hilarious on the subway, can I still blitz that in to The Mirror?

In the real world, sometimes the football team makes it to the postseason. 

I’m going to miss getting passive-aggressive comments from the grill workers at the Hop and FoCo whenever I order something too labor-intensive. 

A Dartmouth parking ticket costs the same as an eighth of weed. A utilitarian would wonder why so many stoners get so many parking tickets. 

Jim Gusanoz dressed up as Rob Zombie for Halloween. Still gets me. By the way, Boloco takes itself too seriously. 

If I ever see a sign in the real world that says “Baby Changing Station,” I’m immediately going to rip off the letter ‘c’. 

When I was a freshman, nobody called Sig Nu “The Noodle”. I’m glad we added that to the lexicon. 

I’m going to miss making fun of so many things at Dartmouth. 

- Tom Mandel aka James Engle ‘11

Stuff Dartmouth People Like #9: Saying Hi to Abstract Concepts

Dartmouth people use ‘Sup’ and ‘Oh Hey’ the way Twitter uses hash-tags. Common lines like “I am wasted right now” have evolved into “I am wasted right now. Oh hey alcohol.”

This has been an inexplicable development in a Dartmouth dialect previously famous for “blitz,” “pong,” and “foco de chao” (tell your friends).

These arbitrary hellos are perfect for when you want to disguise your self-call as a clever joke. Got a good grade on your econ exam? Try: “Can’t believe I got an A. Sup curves.”

America Ends War on Drugs in Response to 14's Column in the D

In a swift departure from a decades long policy, president Barack Obama announced yesterday a full and immediate end to the war on drugs. Although the reason for the sudden reversal of attitudes wasn’t initially clear, Mr. Obama pointed to what changed his mind and the minds of politicians across America: an editorial by a ’14 in Monday’s issue of The Dartmouth.

Mr. Obama praised the ’14 for his well-reasoned argument, “Every morning I pick up the D, the obvious pick for opinion articles about things other than Dartmouth College. This scholar just made such bold assertions like ‘the war is not succeeding.’ How can you say no to that?”

Bobby Rush Gives Political Incorrectness on Campus a Great Fallback

This past weekend saw many musical acts come to Hanover. There were jam bands and notable rappers and cover bands and DJs. There was also Bobby Rush, the 75-year-old R&B singer who put on the most politically incorrect show Dartmouth has ever seen (citation pending). Prior to Rush’s show, which included three dancers whose sole purpose was apparently to shake their behinds, political correctness had been relative in Hanover. Now everybody knows that Bobby Rush is a 100 on the scale, with everybody that I hate on this campus at the 0 end. And anything that anyone could possibly do would have to be less than 100 on the scale.

Students Inexplicably Forget About Lodge During Room Draw

Much to everybody’s surprise, room draw ended with housing still available in the Lodge. Generally considered to be a top-tier housing option, the large, full-bathed suites of the Lodge were overlooked in favor of the Fayerweathers or Mass Row.

But don’t expect this oversight to last long.

Upperclassmen are shocked that rising sophomores forgot this housing gem. “I remember last year I had the 53^rd pick of my class and prayed for a Lodge room,” said Justin Armstrong ’13. He currently lives in Lodge 27. “I’m moving to Hitchcock next year. Do you have any idea how far that is from Jewel of India? Fuck me.”