Freshman Tries Marijuana for the First Time, Realizes he is “So Thankful for Wind”

Percy Needlenose ’13, who hails from Cleveland, Ohio, had never experimented with marijuana before Monday night. Descriptions of Percy by his various friends and acquaintances range from “kind of a prude,” to “wet blanket. Total cockblock” to “noticeably asthmatic” to “really good at macrame.” Needlenose himself was featured in a “Spotlight On” during fall term in recognition of his first-place victory at the national speed chess championship in Saint Louis last summer. In that article, he described himself as, “a true champion of social dignity. I feel it is vulgar and garish to lose control of oneself, for after all, what else do we have but our clarity of thought?” Needlenose went on to say that he plans to tirelessly work to disband the “barbaric, lawless and paganistic” Greek system and confirmed that he was, in fact, the one who reported you to the UGA last term because he smelled you smoking weed, but “those PotHead Hippies deserved it.”

Bichon Frise Accepted as Legacy Student, Leaves Critics Barking Mad

A controversial admissions decision has been leaked to the press by an insider in the Dartmouth admissions office; namely, that the college has decided to accept a seven-year-old Bichon Frise whose owners are wealthy alumni of the school. The Dunyun's source chose to remain unnamed, but claims "I feel as a representative of the college it is my duty to make sure that others are as outraged as I am. This is nepotism at its worst and a clear ploy to pander to our alums for large donations in these trying economic times." The source added, "Bitches ain't shit."

Rarely Used Resource Known as "Common Courtesy" Determined to be Expendable

In a blitz sent out this morning, President Kim announced the College's decision to cut common courtesy from the budget. When the idea was first proposed by Acting Provost Carol Folt, the administration came under fire for the term's perceived ambiguity. In response, the President's office issued a statement saying, "'Common courtesy' is an umbrella term, which we use to include everything from looking Friday's hookup in the eye, to thanking the people who swipe your card, to sustaining a conversation with someone who won't promote your social standing."

Katie E. Croo Enters SA Presidential Race; Witnesses Forced to Invent Term, “Déjà Déjà vu”

    Dartmouth has an unfortunate trend of having individuals with the same name. Most of these double-named individuals manage to lead fairly dissimilar lives, thereby differentiating themselves and not leading to too many wrongly addressed morning-after blitzes. However, this rule does not apply to the several Katie E. Croos on campus. The past two Student Assembly Presidents have been named Katie E. Croo, and another Katie E. Croo has recently announced her candidacy. Lay observers on campus note the dizzy sensation that accompanies such repetition.
    “It’s like a record skipping,” said one individual who wished to remain anonymous but was eager to be interviewed. “Only instead of having the record re-play itself every couple seconds, it takes a whole year to loop back around. It’s kind of like watching an episode of Lost. I’m not really sure what year I’m in anymore.”

Mclane 3 Claims Responsibility for Increase in Alcohol Related Arrests

Members of the third floor of Mclane Hall invited the presidents of every Dartmouth fraternity and sorority to an "emergency meeting" on Friday afternoon in the Baker Library Tower Room.

In front of an audience of four floor mates, three winter term pledges and this Dunyun reporter, Alex Weaver '13, the self-proclaimed "mastermind" behind Mclane 3, apologized to the entire Dartmouth Greek system for "All the hardships that we've caused you in the past month", confessing that "Mclane 3 takes full responsibility for the increase in Good Sams and alcohol related arrests this year, which has been caused solely by our pre-games."

Men Hold "D-Day" For Gender Equality

After excellent support for V-Week and V-Day, a group of Dartmouth men decided to seize the gender equality momentum and hold D-Week and D-Day (or Day of Dick). 

D-Day organizer, Richard Dickey '10, told Dunyun reporters, "D-Week is a movement for men and their penises. The goal is to raise awareness for the oppressed male out there, the blue-balled, turtling, penis-wielder who keeps shooting blanks. We hope that throughout this week, men will laugh, cry, and in the end, get off."

D-Week commenced with a talk from porn giant Lexington Steele titled, "Re-Member Me", a touching look into a 12-inch life.

Steele commented afterwards, "It's the least I can do. Men's dicks don't get enough loving these days."

Other events included a screening of "Saving Ryan's Private's", free bush trimmer giveaways, and a speech from a Dick's House nurse on how to turn a hernia check into so much more.

Budget Cuts Force Administration to Downgrade Commencement Speaker from Boutros Boutros-Ghali to Flavor Flav

Though the commencement speaker for this year’s graduation ceremony had not yet been announced, sources within the administration reported to the Dunyun that they “had Boutros Boutros-Ghali on lock, son!” However, upon learning that the college would have to cut 100 million dollars from the budget, and following President Kim’s decision to strike a compromise with those who felt strongly that the same person who makes their Paninis could definitely not also be the one to put their waffle fries on the plate, the administration had to back out of their agreement to meet Boutros-Ghali’s speaking fee of $75,000. The former secretary-general of the United Nations commented that he regrets that he can no longer serve as the commencement speaker, but noted that he’s “all about the Benjamins, y’all.”

“Dartmouth X” Professor to Reach out to Underrepresented Groups in Class

    For years, Professor Allison Lowood has been teaching Sociology 36: The Dartmouth X. However, for this spring’s class, she is hoping to have somebody other than freshman guys and senior girls take the class.
    “I’ve always had my class fill up to capacity with freshman guys and senior girls, with the occasional junior girl thrown into the mix,” Lowood said. “They all want an institutional reason why they aren’t being appreciated besides their annoying self-righteousness. Come to think of it, if that’s the reason why everyone’s taking the class, maybe we should switch to the Women and Gender Studies Department. That fits their description much better.”
    Johanna Murray ’10, who took the class her junior spring, commented that the class “opened [her] eyes to the injustices of the system.”

Dun-on-Dun with Collis Ray

Dunyun reporters sat down with campus icon Collis Ray for a Dun-on-Dun interview.

What made you decide to work at Collis?

Didn’t like the Hop.

How’s your family?

Good.

Why do you always work the Breakfast Sandwich spot?

Who makes them better Bubba? You getting two today? [I nod yes] My boy.

Where are you from?

Nearby.

Do you realize you’ve gained quite a following on campus?

Settle down now Bubba.

Campus-wide Blitz Teaches Fraternity Brother There Is No Such Thing As "Half-Consensual Sex"

Miller Andrews ’11 was in for a shock last Friday when he opened his Blitzmail inbox to find a blitz with the subject line “Sexual Assault Facts” accompanied by little emoticon vaginas on either side. Normally, Andrews deletes all blitzes sent by organizations associated with women in any way, because he lives by the phrase “Girls are for homos.” On Friday, however, he was waiting for a friend in Thayer Dining Hall and was checking his blitz at a blitz terminal to kill time, and since this was the only blitz he had received since leaving his dorm room, he had no choice but to open it in order to save face. His entire perspective changed when he read the first line: “Consensual sex is when both partners are freely and willingly agreeing, or consenting, to whatever sexual activity is occurring. Sex without consent is sexual assault/rape.” Andrews was floored. “It just didn’t make sense,” he reports. “Both people have to consent? How did I not know this before? Shouldn’t they call it mutually consensual then? Or double-consensual? I mean, it’s not like both my parents ever had to sign permission slips before I went on marching band trips in high school.” He immediately forwarded the blitz to his fraternity to let them know, only to receive responses such as, “Clean your vag, bro,” “Such a f-g,” and “Yo we should put those [vagina] pictures in our next campus blitz.”