Novack Futilely Maintains that King Arthur Flour is their Rival

Despite being vastly outmatched in food quality, service, and facetime by King Arthur Flour, Novack Café still insists that they are a “competitor” with whom the KAF Café “splits clientele.”

Ever since KAF opened last spring, students have slowly veered away from the straight, no-frills, Keystone-Light-of-coffee from Novack and towards the delicious, Keystone-Light-in-an-orange-can-of-coffee from the KAF.

Occupy Dartmouth Protesters, Upset with ‘15s Inactivity Decide to Touch Fire

The rhythmic chopping of Mass General’s Medical Evacuation Helicopter could be heard over Hanover late Saturday evening.  On a night historically featuring arrests and hospitalizations of wayward freshman attempting to dispel allegations of “being the worst class ever,” this year’s Homecoming featured a novel twist.  The newest additions to the ICU: Burn Division were not slightly charred ‘15s, but rather three members of the highly ambiguous and increasingly irrelevant ‘Occupy Dartmouth’ protest.

When interviewed early Saturday morning under hospital arrest, gruesome burn victim and Occupy Dartmouth chief organizer Chase Flannels claimed the move was made to, “fight the rising inactivity of the freshman class.”  “No one was touching the fire, they needed to see what real action was,” Flannels flubbed in a morphine haze.  “In a world where passivity and complacent right wing ignorance dominate, corporate oppression is the only winner, man.”  The ambiguity of Flannels’ uncomfortably general statement has left Dartmouth’s intellectual community overwhelmingly ambivalent toward the protests.

Ban on Public Hazing Means Brothers Have no Clue who their Pledges are Anymore

A recent GLOS directive has banned all public hazing "because it's illegal,” and thrown the whole fraternity system into turmoil. Unable to tell which pledges are their own, upperclassmen have been committing random acts of hazing around campus.

Members of several fraternities are frustrated that they now have to “actually learn who these pledges are” and can no longer “just ask the bro in the cut-offs to wait in the King Arthur Flour line for me.”

Football Team Really Pissed They Had Such High Expectations This Year

After a disappointing 1-4 start, the Dartmouth football team and its supporters are all really pissed. The anger is not directed at the poor performance of the team, but rather the fact that they had actually convinced themselves that this was going to be the year.

Coach Bucky Stevens took partial responsibility, “I feel like I’ve let our boys down. I never should’ve let them get their hopes up like this and I blame myself. We’re Dartmouth football, we’re proud of it, and we should never let ourselves forget who we are with unrealistic expectations like winning. ”

‘The 99%’ Protests 1% of Dartmouth’s Guys Getting all the Hot Girls

A group of Dartmouth males, calling themselves ‘the 99 percent,’ has gathered outside The Hop (grill, not arts center) for the past week to “Occupy Dartmouth” in response to, as one protestor put it, “the gross inequality between the number of hot girls pulled by the ‘1%’ of Dartmouth males verses the other 99%, who are regularly shut out of hookups by the hottest Dartmouth females.”

A spokesman for Occupy Dartmouth attempted to sum up the goals of the group, “This is for all the ‘nice’ guys. The guys who watched that cute girl on their freshman floor hook up with that upperclassman. The guys who are tired of feeling like we’re a second option. We are the 99%.”

’15 Convinces Girl that Rocky Bathroom is one of the Dartmouth Seven

Ready to seal the deal and “break his Dartmouth cherry,” Alex Davis ’15 left frat row Saturday with Miley Carter ’15. Upon reaching his Russell Sage triple, Davis was disappointed to find his roommate already back and “playing fucking Fifa.” Carter called her room a no go because her roommate “has a midterm Wednesday and has been holed up in there for the past week.”

Davis quickly proceeded to suggest that the two of them embark on one of the Dartmouth Seven. “I didn’t want Miley to ever have the chance to ‘just want to go to sleep’,” said Davis. “ So I just rolled with it from there.”

Most Hated ’13 from Pledge Class Coincidentally Most Excited to Haze ‘14s

Mark Hanson ’13 had a rough pledge term a year ago. Widely considered the most disliked member of the Theta Delta Chi pledge class, he was routinely singled out to fetch meals for brothers, drink until he passed out before 9 PM, and leave class to move his pledge trainer’s laundry to the dryer, lest it form mildew.

However, having made it through pledge term, Hanson excitedly changed his D-plan in order to “Show the ‘14s what pledge term is all about.”

Game Theory Professor asks Student ‘What Grade he thinks he Deserves' on Assignment

Larry Jones ’12 was asked by his game theory professor “what grade he thought he deserved” before assigning a grade to his first paper. “It was a total mindfuck," said Jones, "What does he want me to say? What is he thinking? What if I say ‘A’? I think it’s my dominant strategy, but what if he thinks it’s worse so he counts off for that too? Maybe this is the point of the whole assignment? It's like game theory or something.”

New Sorority Sister “Actually Not a Bitch”

Shelley Keller ’14 was so excited to become a part of Kappa aka “the best sisterhood ever” aka “11FinallyImInASorority.” However, she was shocked to learn that Hannah Lee ’14 aka “that raging bitch from my freshman floor” was to be her new sister.

But after an evening of giggling, jungle juice, and debating just how badly KDE/TriDelt lost rush, Lee and Keller were “like seriously, best friends.” In an interview with the Dunyun, Keller insists that she judged Lee unfairly for screaming in the hallway at 4 AM and asking Keller if she “really needed that second fro-yo?”

Going on FSP Makes Mundane Details of Girl’s Life Deserving of Blog

Before heading off to Europe for her fall foreign study program, Melinda Grayson ’13 realized that all of her friends, family, Facebook friends, and even sorority sisters would be extremely interested in her experience. To share her experience, as well as keen cultural insights that only she could provide, Grayson decided to start a blog.

“It’s just so interesting. It’s like my life at Dartmouth but I’m in Europe!” Grayson told the Dunyun, “I’d imagine all my friends are reading. It isn’t like I’m doing something normal, I’m traveling around Europe!”

Confused ’14 Spends Whole Night Man-flirting With Other ‘14

Excited for an evening of low-key pong before rush, Owen Jacobs ’14 headed over to AD to meet his friend Steve-From-Class-Council who “is roommates with the social chair, I think.” After holding his own with a sink and two hits in the first game, Jacobs went in for a post-game handshake and complimented his opponent, Kyle Craver ’14, on his “dirty spin serve.”

At this point, Jacobs wanted to meet more ADs and insisted on playing with Craver. Despite bewildered glances from the brothers, Jacobs assumed Craver was a brother based on pong ability and his confident, laid back demeanor.