Jack Stinson Ball-Taps Nick Giaccone for “Messing with his Livelihood”

Jack Stinson and Hanover Police Chief Nick Giaccone have been beefing ever since Stinson made Giaccone eat a worm in the 3rd grade after convincing him that it would taste good. That incident started a decade of bullying, where Stinson would hurt and publicly humiliate Giaccone, with the latter powerless to stop him. For decades, Giaccone has been working to get back at Stinson, although all efforts have failed. In a last-ditch effort, Giaccone entered the Police Academy, and enjoyed a meteoric rise to success in the vast Hanover Police Department. This put Giaccone in a unique position to deal Stinson a fatal blow.

Group of Upperclassmen Works to “Improve” Freshman Experience

The typical freshmen FoCo runway experience of being judged at the hands of upperclassmen, who often judge freshmen and occasionally mutter, “don’t trip” and “worst class ever,” may be too intimidating for some, according to a group of upperclassmen currently trying to abolish the FoCo runway altogether or at least make it a more positive environment for first-year students.

Alicia Roth ’13, who is leading the group, explained to the Dunyun the roots of her cause, “Last fall I was carrying a full tray of food down the FoCo runway and I tripped on a backpack. I fell down, spilling the food, and a few upperclassmen shouted, “worst class ever” and “pick up the food.” It was traumatizing.”

President Kim Sends an Honest Blitz to Campus

Today, this happened. Or it might as well have.

14s Finally Starting to Realize their Trip Leaders’ Flaws

Since the end of trips, many trip leaders have fostered their trippees affection through mediums such as getting them on table that one time, dispensing moderately helpful course advice and giving them one of the five beers available at TDX. However, after over a month of adoration and hero worship by hundreds of ‘14s, trip leaders across campus are starting to lose their all-knowing, flawless status in the eyes of their trippees.

No ‘14s whom the Dunyun interviewed could pinpoint where their adoration for their trip leaders came from, but psychology professor Robert Stursberg compared it to the attachment of a nursing baby to its mother or a hostage to its captors in a related condition known as Stockholm Syndrome.

Vox Querentis: Facebook is the Best!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Finally, someone has given me a platform to state my feelings about Facebook to a whole bunch of people! I almost didn’t get this chance but then the Dunyun told me they had nothing to publish today, and they follow a strict “no sober after sundown” policy so none of them are available. Anyway, I think I’m pretty funny. The funniest thing I do is spell plural words with z’s instead of s’s—that’s always a hit on the net. I get a lot of likes on B@B with that move. But the Dunyun told me that’s why I never had a date to prom and get bumped from Homeplate tables regularly, so I guess I’m not allowed to do that here. But oh well, this makes me a campus celeb right? I think I know a lot of people. I was proactive by friending them all last summer before freshman year started. People like that! When you show personal interest in them. Facebook is such a great way to meet people and let them look at pictures of you! I make sure never to forget my camera whenever I go out and me and my girls are just crazy. We love dance parties! My favorite part about Facebook is looking at people who are at dance parties. It doesn’t matter if I don’t go myself because that way my shoes stay nice and clean. Who wants to spend an extra thirteen dollars at Kohl’s the next time they go anyway? Not moi! LOL (can I say that here if I don’t use the z?)

“Cactus Project” Encourages Male Students to Get Better Acquianted with their Taint

On Monday, mirrors were distributed to the 1,769 males on campus this term. The mirrors were distributed as part of the “Cactus Project”, a program sponsored by the Inter-Fraternity Council that seeks to help campus men get better acquainted with their taint, also known as a grundle in common parlance. For those readers who are unaware, the taint is the region in between the scrotum and the anus. Reactions to the project have been mixed.

Breaking: The Dunyun Isn’t Funny Anymore

Today, the Dunyun investigates itself, as numerous reports continue pouring in from anonymous tipsters that the Dunyun is no longer funny. The shift from “funny” to “unfunny” appears to have taken place gradually over the past ten months, deteriorating at roughly the same rate as Bored at Baker’s popularity, the percentage of 14s who are virgins, your optimism about your future, and Nick Giacconne’s self esteem. By our calculations, the shift to “unfunny” was most clearly realized over the summer, which is possibly related to the fact that internships kill all joy and laughter, and Stephen and Frannie blacked out for three months.

Football Team Uses Study Hall as a Tactic to Ease the Curve

The football team has troubles with academics. Everybody knows that. And so, in an effort to improve the academic performance of the team, head coach Buddy Teevens ’79 instituted “Study Hall”, a time in which the entire football team must be at the library. The motives behind this decision are not what they would appear, however. On the surface, it would seem that Teevens instituted this policy in order to encourage his players to study. In fact, the team comes to the library during peak study hours in order to talk loudly and distract the rest of the student body, thereby easing the curve and indirectly aiding the academic performance of the team.

Sorority Rush Indicates Lack of Hierarchy Among Sororities

After the dust settled on Fall 2010’s sorority rush, one thing was very clear: the hierarchy of sororities is no longer relevant. Any girls who were disappointed in the house in which they were placed were disappointed for very sophisticated reasons like the character of the girls in the house, and definitely nothing to do with socially perceived “coolness”. Kappa Kappa Gamma and Kappa Delta Epsilon sororities, historically top of the social heap, were happy to see the hierarchy system done away with.

“There’s no need to ‘win rush’,” said Hilary Rogers ’11, Kappa’s rush chair. “We’re happy to get a good group of girls, and hope that other houses have equal success. The sorority system is definitely not about winning anything. It’s about engendering lifelong friendships with a group of women.”

Campus Perplexed by Sudden Appearance of Attractive ’13 Girls

 In the past week, males across campus have been pleasantly surprised by the sudden appearance of attractive females, especially among the class of 2013.

Kendrick Monroe ’13 explained his exposure to the phenomenon, “Ya I saw a lot of hot ’13s last fall and a couple weekends in the spring but it’s like they just disappeared or something. Then last Saturday they decided to show back up again. I don’t even know where they came from but they were being herded around and were looking fucking good.”

VOX QUERENTIS “Fraternity Deliberations”

In response to yesterday’s letter from Frannie Mays ’11 (Vox Querentis: Sorority Deliberations), I would like to make a case for why John Q. Dude ’13 should be in our house.

Hey, shut the fuck up! I’m trying to talk!

Vox Querentis

The Dunyun is pushing its first birthday, and as a growing baby boy (let’s face it, the Dunyun probably has a dick), it needs to expand its horizons, push its own boundaries, and generally learn how to be more strategically lazy. Thus, we bring you the all-new Dunyun Opinion section, Vox Querentis: The Voice of One Complaining. Think of it like the opinion section of the D, except intentionally funny.

A Day Off

Today, the Greek system has swallowed the lives of all the Dunyun writers. We'll be back soon, we swear!

Until then, here's a thought to tide you over:

If a quiz is quizzical, then what's a test?

Administration Threatens Spoiled Students with More Renovations

Following the punishing renovations to Thayer (never forget) this summer, which widely expanded the dining hall inward, students fret the administration may enact further renovations if we continue to take our spoiling for granted. Several sources closely involved with administrative decisions confirm that these extensive renovations have been part of a concerted effort to minimize students’ unfounded sense of entitlement to dining and living spaces that generally leave room for personal space and that don’t look like the inside of a hospital.

Faulty Paddles Responsible for Pong Loss

Clarence Macalester ’14 was incredibly excited for his first game of pong. After a month of timidly asking line and constantly berating his trip leader, a member of Alpha Delta fraternity, with blitzes, his trip leader finally relented.

However, Macalester’s first pong game did not go as planned. He explained the source of his problems, “There was definitely something wrong with my paddle. I kept returning my trip leader’s shots the same way but the ball was going all over the place. Sometimes it would go way left, sometimes right. My stroke wasn’t changing so it must have been the paddle; could’ve had something to do with the sandpaper shit on it, who uses that?”

13’s Insecurities Easier than Ever to Manipulate

In the week leading up to rush, ‘13s insecurities surrounding getting into their top houses have reached a crescendo. Although mainly affecting girls, who essentially have no control over rush, almost no ’13s are immune from these feelings of anxiety. Upperclassmen have taken notice.

Josh Johnson ’11 explained his experiences with increased insecurity among ‘13s, “I just have to tell a girl that I ‘have a lot of friends in KDE’ and she immediately starts trying to impress me, layup city.”

Alex Nichols ’11 took this strategy a step farther, “I just tell girls that I have a list of ‘Cool ’13 Girls’ and a list of ‘Shitty ’13 Girls’ that I'm going to send to all my friends in sororities. Sometimes I have to add in ‘You know which list I want you to get on’ but usually knows what I'm getting after.”

The Dunyun Celebrates Its 169th Article

I'm honored that the Dunyun Staff has selected me to write this momentous article and I'd like it to serve as a celebration of the past 10 months of writing. The Dunyun has changed many of our lives and I'd like to hear from the Dunyun community about "what the Dunyun means to you."

Jim Kim's secretary was the first to get back to me and el Presidente said, "I enjoy this student organization. I enjoy any time students work together, take steps together and join forces together. That's how we're going to save the world. One step at a time. Together."

A Theta Delt '11 shot back a very brief reply, "Fuck The Dunyun."

Anonymous Song Angers Campus with its Jarring Instrumentals and Auto-Tune

Early last week, an anonymous Gmail account with the handle “Expecto Petronus” [sic] sent out a song titled “Out of Control” to the Classes of 2014, 2013, and 2012 (seniors are already that irrelevant, huh?). The song, which featured original instrumentals and Auto-Tune to cover up the voice of the singer, featured lyrics with some political message that had to do with something or other. Maybe something about blowjobs? Who knows. The song, which has been forwarded to almost every undergraduate on campus, has universally angered the student population. Why? The instrumentals and the Auto-Tune really suck.

Career Fair Gives Undergraduates a Chance to Practice Real-World Skills

The recent “Employer Connections” fair, hosted annually by Career Services, brought a variety of employers from such diverse fields as finance, consulting, finance, consulting, and Teach for America to Alumni Hall so that students could learn more about the companies and practice skills that they will need in the real world. These skills include fellatio, female fellatio (I feel like there’s a word for this…), pretending to care, coming to terms with that creeper who still exists even though s/he graduated, and nodding your head. These skills will be absolutely necessary when interviews and corporate recruiting come around, but for now, it’s just practice.

“My figurative fellatio skills were completely off,” said Robert Richman ’11, who attempted figurative fellatio on seven consulting firms and nineteen finance firms. “I was just figuratively fellating with my mouth, telling them how great their company was. I should have been figuratively fellating with my hands as well, gesticulating about the wonders of their industry. Gotta remember the hands in the future.”